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About: Murphy


Posts by Murphy:

The BEAST Page 3 Cranky Death-Bird

June 1st, 2010 by


Name: Steve

Turn-ons: Po-boys, winged flight, “Treme,” green energy, Canadian offshore oil drilling regulations, which requires both remote safety shutoffs and pre-drilled pressure release wells, french fries and Calgon.

Turn-offs: The MMS, crystal meth, John Goodman’s neck, BP, Haliburton et al, Tony Podesta, Sarah Palin, all this fucking oil that’s on me and Rand Paul’s stupid face.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Cranky Death-bird: Look at me!

Future Plans: Imminent and painful death.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As the proverbial canary in the coal mine.

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Emails from idiots

June 1st, 2010 by

Pulp dreams

i love you. i even had a subscription when you were still into murdering trees (pussies!). please never stop. also, murphy, write a book or something!
<3333 always,
Evan Read More

1 Comment

Government bailouts of Christianity

June 1st, 2010 by


That’s what I think we ought to start calling these state/church separation issues. A phrase like “violation of the Establishment Clause” might interest nerds who are into constitutional law and secularism, but it’s the kind of phrase that causes everyone else’s eyes to just gloss over when spoken. Read More


Slick Talk

June 1st, 2010 by


Bipartisan Kool-Aid Threatens Media Ecosystem


It’s all relative

While it’s borderline retarded to call the BP disaster “Obama’s Katrina,” like comparing apples and a bunch of dead black people, it’s not entirely unfair of Sarah Palin to bring up Obama’s ties to the unsafe oil giant.

As emotionally satisfying as it is to pin this black eco-death on Palin’s moronic “Drill, baby, drill!” ethos, it’s totally meaningless, because, you know, she is meaningless.

The partisan slick talk in the Gulf is killing objectivity — an already threatened species in the media marshlands. The relativism and blame-gaming obscures one very basic truism in American politics: fossil fuels are still a bipartisan issue. Seeing the established “left” and the “right’ snipe at each other over the web and TV is to watch the American people being lied to through omission. Read More

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Nice to meet me

June 1st, 2010 by

New Editor-in-Chief Ian Murphy raps about The BEAST and more with contributor D. Armenta

Say, Mr. Murphy—can I call you Ian?

Of course, Mr. Murphy is my father’s name. [Insincere chuckle]

Is the Buffalo Beast dead, or what? First you stopped printing, then went to website, then all posts stopped. What’s going on?

The BEAST isn’t dead, but it is starving. It’s very difficult to maintain the financial viability of any media outlet, especially in the internet age, and our particular brand of vulgarity has never played well with advertisers. While our abject lack of operational capital has been apparent, well, forever, it never seemed to bother us. But this winter was a demoralizing time, for a bunch of reasons, and we basically just dropped the ball. However, as this sycophantic interview and the other fresh posts suggest, I have picked up that ball. And I hope to accomplish some kind of sports metaphor with said ball in the near future. Read More

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Oil Spills: Scientific Consensus?

June 1st, 2010 by

I’m not convinced


Oak-Forrest2-120x120Good evening. I’m Forrest Oak.

There’s a lot being made over this BP “oil spill” down in the Gulf. A lot of green-mongering. A lot of the same old Chicken Little routine we’ve seen coming out of the Gore-ista camp, for the last 700 years in this country. And, frankly, it’s just a whole mess of environmentalist bed-wetting.

Is anyone asking the tough questions? I mean, besides me. I’m Forrest Oak. For instance, is there really scientific consensus that this “spill” exists? And if there is scientific consensus on its existence, can we say with absolute certainty that it is man-made? It seems a little egotistical to think that humans could affect their environment on such a large and catastrophic scale. Some things are just not within our power. Now, if God wants to release a million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico – if oil spills really exist – then that is within his divine power. But to suggest we could do that? Pure arrogance. Read More

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We-a culpa

May 31st, 2010 by

The long overdue story of how Roger Pielke Jr., Alternet & I caused the next holocaust



“The phrase ‘climate change denier’ is meant to be evocative of the phrase ‘holocaust denier.’”
– Dr. Roger Pielke Jr., political scientist, environmental studies professor at the University of Colorado at Boulder, blogger and Senior Fellow at The Breakthrough Institute (TBI) think tank

“‘Global warming denier’ has long been viewed as a loaded term, Wikipedia notes, because it conjures an association with Holocaust deniers.”
– Ted Nordhaus & Michael Shellenberger, founders of TBI Read More


The 50 Most Loathsome Americans, 2009

January 29th, 2010 by


50. Tiger Woods

Charges: Rose to god-like celebrity and tycoon-level riches smacking a ball into a hole with a stick. His promiscuity with commercial endorsements makes his sexual dalliances seem frivolous by contrast. Cheated on his Swedish supermodel wife with over a dozen women, all of whom look like “Rock of Love” washouts.
Exhibit A: “Who is your new boy toy?”
Sentence: Zero stroke penalty. Read More


John Edwards Admits To Fathering Most Of Asia

January 26th, 2010 by


Recent controversy surrounding former Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards reached a new high on Tuesday, as Edwards admitted to having an affair while his wife struggled with cancer, starring in an explicit sex tape with his alleged mistress, and to being the father to at least 90% of the population of the entire Asian continent.

Analysis of the blood from several hundred random Chinese, Indian and Iranian citizens confirmed large quantities of Edwards’ DNA, implicating him as the father — bizarrely, even in cases where the individual tested was of equal age or older than Edwards himself.

Edwards initially denied the findings, asserting that the story — and by extension, Asia as a whole — was “false,” “completely untrue, ridiculous,” and “made up.” Ten minutes later, his publicist confirmed the findings in a press release.

“It was wrong for me ever to deny that Asians are my children, and hopefully one day, when they understand, they will forgive me,” read the statement. “Because when you’re this attractive, and your wife is all sickly looking from cancer, you just can’t help yourself.”

Scientists also used the collected genetic data to estimate that Edwards’ age, originally reported to be 56 years old, is probably closer to 1,600 years.

“In order to give rise to close to nearly one billion children, [Edwards] must have begun sexual activity in the late 5th century, sometime during his first marriage to a woman who had ovarian cancer,” said Dr. Eli Irving, a geneticist at Northwestern University. “It really is quite remarkable.”

After the news broke, Edwards was instantly condemned by several environmental groups for causing the overpopulation and overcrowding in much of Asia and the Middle East, where the dense concentration of Edwards’ children is threatening many natural resources.

“If John Edwards could have kept it in his pants, the world would probably still have many of its extinct species,” said Evelyn Milford, spokesperson for the World Wildlife Fund. “Including the dinosaurs.”

Allegations of infidelity and corruption have plagued Edwards since his days as a North Carolina senator, when he had sex with everyone he knew and used campaign money to buy whatever he wanted. However, some say even more shocking revelations have yet to come to light.

“Based on his striking good looks and ability to easily infatuate women,” said Dr. Irving, “it seems likely to me that he is actually a vampire.”

“Is it just a coincidence that the vampire in the Twilight series is named Edward?” the doctor asked, a twinkle — or possibly homosexuality — in his eye. “I think not.”

Edwards’ camp immediately decried the claim, calling it “absurd,” “stupid” and “completely without truthhood”. 45 seconds later, Edwards’ publicist confirmed the rumor.

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