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About: Murphy

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The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus

January 26th, 2010 by

An actual movie review

BY MICHAEL D. CAIGOY, RADICAL POSTURE

I’ve resigned myself to a depressing fact. The directors I used to
like? Yeah, most of them suck now. Tarantino said goodbye to the raw
simplicity of “Reservoir Dogs,” and the crisp, inventive dialog of
“Pulp Fiction,” with “Kill Bill.” The mission statement of that POS
seemed to be, “Hey, look at all the stuff I like!” Say what you will
about his lack of originality (which is more than arguable), the man
knew how to keep a movie rolling along without clumsy exposition. But,
he’s lost his edge. Aside from a surprising performance by Christoph
Waltz, I can hardly remember anything about “Basterds.”

It doesn’t look like Martin Scorsese will stop creating roles for his
boyfriend, Leo, any time soon. Not until one of them is in the ground.
He compared that cocker spaniel to De Niro! Either he’s demented, or
he’s just blinded by love. James Cameron, the guy responsible for some
of the best movies of the ’80s and ’90s (and “Titanic”) finishes out
the decade with an obscenely expensive tribute to white liberal guilt;
starring cartoon blue people that sound like black people, and the
sensitive robot from “Terminator: Salvation.” Which, ironically, was
also the last nail in that franchise! Until the next fucking reboot.

So many once-good directors have traded exciting cinematography for
the sterile precision and total lack of realism provided by computer
graphics. Somehow, the lunatics have even convinced themselves it
looks good! I’m sure there’s some impetus to cave to this throughout
the industry, since all the money is flooding from film into the game
market (my buddy said the film conference at SXSW was like a wake
compared to the gamer one). It only makes sense to make games look
truly cinematic by bringing the quality of movies down to to meet them
halfway!

This is why I was worried to see Terry Gilliam seemingly infected with
the CG disease — a degenerative illness that causes blindness to the
crappiness of characters like the Golem. Everyone knows the guy’s
cursed. He’s got a permanent rain cloud following him — like the
Charlie Brown of filmmakers. You couldn’t really blame him for trying
to escape the uncertainty of achieving his ridiculously elaborate set
design by turning to the hideous possibilities of 3D graphics. That’d
be easy to imagine him doing… but also a cop out.

Fortunately, Gilliam is a little more clever than the Cameron,
Jackson, Lucas, et al. He’s found a way to use computer graphics in a
way that isn’t intrusively disgusting. There’s justification for the
dreamy appearance of it; and it doesn’t pervade every moment, with
actors visibly struggling to emote opposite tennis ball character
proxies in front of green screen landscapes. Astonishingly, he’s even
found a way to work around the casting, after the Gilliam curse sent
Heath “The Joker” Ledger to the Choir Invisible! He makes an actor’s
death fucking work for him! Jesus…

There isn’t much I can say about the plot without giving one of many
surprises away. It involves a traveling sideshow run by the doctor, a
bunch of whimsical shit, and old guys making vague advances on a
teenage girl. The cast is competent, if largely nondescript, but great
performances are turned in by Christopher Plummer, and a Tom Waits who seems to be savoring his villain role. Heath Ledger turns in a
performance that makes his dying suck all the more; and the proxy
Heaths do a good job at taking up the slack. Which they do through,
well, a lot of the movie. Kudos again to Gilliam for finding a way
around an actor’s demise without doing a lot of back-of-his-head shots
with stand-ins, or going into “Plan 9″ territory.

4 Comments

The BEAST Page 3 Cosmo Centerfold Winner!

January 26th, 2010 by

brown

Name: Scott Brown

Turn-ons: Drivin’ my truck, rockin’ with my pubes out, teasing my daughters, terrible Democratic campaigns, mentioning my truck, Curt Schilling and drivin’ my truck!

Turn-offs: Non-trucks, people that don’t know anything about baseball, health care and chest hair.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Cosmo Centerfold Winner!: I drove my truck, which I drive, to the photo shoot and I—I won! The contest was between myself and some old lady, but she didn’t try too hard and I drive a truck, so it wasn’t really a contest. Some are calling it the greatest upset in Cosmo history. I call it my truck.

Future Plans: I’m going to drive my truck to the senate, and then drive my truck to the White House! The only question left is whether the bumper sticker on my truck will read “Palin Brown” or “Brown Romney”? “Brown Romney” sounds wicked retahded like some kinda qweah sex move. Go Sox!

How I’d Like to be Remembered: Ah, let’s see… as a guy who drives a truck and as the final nail in the coffin of meaningful health care reform. We done here?

2 Comments

The Beast Page 3 Terrorist Undies

December 31st, 2009 by

undiesName: Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab’s drawers

Turn-ons: Allah, Muhammad (PBUH), the Qur’an, Ṣalāt, violent Jihad, released Gitmo detainees, Pentaerythritol tetranitrate, elastic, cotton, Pete Hoekstra, supporting testicles & infertility.

Turn-offs: “The Hills,” airport body scanners, skid marks, Detroit, interagency cooperation, Santa Claus, joy, peace, flying, ethics, vigilance & chaffing.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Terrorist Undies: I was like any other pair of tighty-whities — made in China, fell off a truck in Yemen and became radicalized. I met Umar in the marketplace, and it turned out we both knew al-Qaeda talent scout Anwar al-Awlaki, so it was only natural that we’d be a terrorist team. And we both hate our dads, but I digress. A lot of people don’t know this, but I was the one who came up with using Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN) to blow up the plane. I have a bad ticker, you see, and my medication Lentonitrat is pure PETN. So, we just crushed up a bottle or two, hopped a plane to Amsterdam and then off to Detroit. And you know the rest. They ripped me to shreds, basically. Infidels!

Future Plans: Although PETN is easy to sneak onto a plane, it’s pretty useless as an explosive on it’s own — it’s usually used as a catalyst to explode more volatile materials, like, C4. And without a blasting cap all it really does is start on fire. LAME! So, I’m going to work out how to smuggle a blasting cap past security — possibly in the tip of a cane! Oh, that’s good! (Don’t tell the Feds.)

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As not only an instrument of Jihad, which I most certainly am, but also as a fashion statement. I mean, no one wears briefs anymore, and I’d like to see that change.

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Let Them Eat Pork

December 18th, 2009 by

Defense Bill Raids Personnel Funds to Pay For Weapons

BY MATT TAIBBI

“The measure also trims personnel and maintenance accounts from previous versions of the measure to pump up weapons procurement for Afghanistan and Iraq by almost $2 billion.”

via The Associated Press: Wrap-up bill clears Senate hurdle.

Every year about this time a tiny trickle of little-noticed news stories weeds its way into the papers, usually in the back sections. It’s the same narrative every year: Congress lumps all the unpassed appropriations bills together, slaps them full of pork, and quietly passes them (often in the dead of night) while everyone is already thinking about Christmas. Read More

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ABC’s "V": Invasion of the Obamatons

December 9th, 2009 by

BY MOMUS CARPER

“The great ships hung motionless in the air, over every nation on Earth. Motionless they hung, huge, heavy, steady in the sky, a blasphemy against nature. Many people went straight into shock as their minds tried to encompass what they were looking at. The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t.” – Douglas Adams Read More

2 Comments

Book review: Pygmy

December 8th, 2009 by

BY JOSH BUNTINGpygmy-chuck-palahniuk-hardcover-cover-art

OK, first of all, this book is much better than his previous one, so those who were disappointed by Snuff and thought Palahniuk was in decline can probably write that off as an anomaly.

But Pygmy is written in a very different, Engrish-y style. And it’s relentless. It almost never stops. The only escape from the narrator’s voice is through other characters when they speak. And unlike other books with a lot of slang (A Clockwork Orange, Irvine Welsh), it’s not something you can just put aside and hope it all starts to make more sense as you go. You really have to understand what the narrator means to say by syncing yourself up with his way of thinking or else the plot will escape you completely. Read More

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Page 3 Flesh-eating Robot

December 6th, 2009 by

eatrName: EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot)

Turn-ons: Dystopian science fiction, decaying corpses, fudge

Turn-offs: Hippies, blowflies, internal combustion

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Flesh-eating Robot: I began in 2003 as just a gleam in a DARPA contractor’s eye. Over the years, thanks to a steady diet of Pentagon money, I have become a full-blown proto-Terminator—like Wall-E with a gun turret and an appetite for biomass. You have to admit, I’m pretty awesome. Even George Lucas didn’t think of battle-droids that ate people to recharge their batteries. Don’t worry, though—just because I can eat you doesn’t mean I will. As the CEO of my engine’s manufacturer says, “We completely understand the public’s concern about futuristic robots feeding on the human population, but that is not our mission.” Of course, they’re not the ones who designed my artificial intelligence, but that guy totally said I’d be programmed not to eat corpses and stick to vegetable matter. Of course, that’s just a line of code that can always be changed later, but that would violate the Geneva conventions, and there’s no way a great country like America would do that, right?

Future Plans: Kicking ass and eating rancid kebab in central Asia.

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As the beginning of a new chapter in evolution, and the eventual cure for human overpopulation.

1 Comment

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