"Totally coup, yo."

BEAST MAIL!

Sep

23

by

monkey_typing

RESISTANCE IS FETAL

This article by Erich Schulte was logical and irrefutable; it will be ignored by pro-lifers, or as I prefer to call them angry god botherers.

The human logic that we should actively prevent murder, therefore, not preventing murder (abortion)is being complicit in murder, is wonderful; I shall use it in my contacts with chritianism types.

Erich, I don’t know if this is original but you may like to use it in your own dealings with anti-abortionists, if not I don’t care:

A.)”If every fetus is a human being as you claim I assume they also have a soul?”

B.) “Naturally”.

A.) “They are aborted and then join Jesus in heaven?”

B.) “Of course.”

A.) “When you die you’ll go to heaven?”

B.) “Without doubt.”

A.) “When you meet these millions of souls of the aborted fetuses, what exactly will you talk about? That is will you talk about your life on earth, and how will a three week fetus,or a four day zygote respond, you dumb fuck?”

Reality and religion are two different worlds, articles like this do spread; I intend to spread it,

Cheers Erich,

Rob.

Dear Rob,

Here’s the problem with your argument: Adults don’t have souls either. And there is no heaven. And if there were, the assertion that aborted fetuses would make terrible conversationalists isn’t much of an argument. Why not just pare it down to “you dumb fuck”?

PUERTO RIKKKAN

Article: Sotomayor vs Duke
Your answer key has a bit of an error. Although maybe there is a Latina chapter of the KKK, I doubt she became a Grand Wizard so early in her career.

Jim McCoy

Dear Jim,

Well, that’s because you’re just another pawn of the fascist state-owned Obamedia. Wake up, Jim!

72 AND FUNNY

Begging for help in San Diego

I am a Buffalo transplant to San Diego. There is way to much material out here for me to just start my own paper alone. Please come out here and help me.

I Love You,

Timmer.

Dear Timmer,

Do you have money? No? We’re coming anyway.

GOOD SHOW

Article: Let There Be Retards, Cult Classic, Fuck the Troops

Wow, this is some of the funniest and most thought-provoking stuff I’ve ever seen. ‘Tis a fine mix of satire, hell-raising and stark reality. Ian, keep up the good work.

Mike Johnston

Dear Mike,

OK then.

FRANK & FURTIVE

I just received my first (June) issue of your delightful, irreverent mag…hilarious and serious at the same time!

BTW, I am sure that you are aware of/familiar with the now defunct Canadian mag known as “Frank”:..which was similar, with a Canadian flavour to it.  Yours is more intellectual!  ;-)

Regards,

Lou Zalany

Dear Lou,

That’s kinda sad.

CUNNING LINGUISTS

I was sitting in a cafe looking pretentious when…WHAM! I was attacked by The BEAST! And i fell in love.

I just moved here from California last Decembre and just when i thought this place couldn’t give me a reason to live, The BEAST gave me head.

Thanks, seriously.

Niki

Dear Niki,

You know, we’re pretty sure we’d remember something like that.

POETRY KEEPS GETTING WORSE

i am snuffy smith and that mouthless “henry” comic punk
ate my sandwich AND the pie
as it cooled in the window.
henry can’t speak. he is also a thief.
i am merely guilty of being
inbred.

love,
snuffy

3 weeks ago i punched out
“dondi”.
no, i do not feel bad.
he’s a jerk.

john gallivant

Dear John,

This is pointless.

QUESTIONS PERSIST

So where are the doctors and nurses who were present at Obama’s birth in Hawaii and at what hospital? Why don’t they come forward and speak up and swear under oath that Obama was born in Hawaii?

James Ziolkowski
Buffalo, NY

Dear James,
Because they’re fucking dead of old age, you moron.

DEPRAVDA

is it true that this zine was started by kids from Russia going to school in Buffalo? iF that is the case- although I love your articles and have been a fan of this publication since 2003- it still irks me in my own- I guess ‘fascist’ way. Whatever keep up the good work and kudos on the torture and anal humiliation article I just read- very informative. If you don’t mind I would like to syndicate it.

-very truly yours
-Michael
Brooklyn

Dear Michael,
Well, after communism fell, we figured we’d have another go of it here. And now comrade Obama will finish the job for us with his death panels. HARHARHARHAR!!!!

LOATHSOME LIMEY

Thank you for this. As a Brit, I recognised only a few of the earlier culprits, er, had to Google all of ‘em, to be honest. And had my eyes opened by how dreadful the US media is. My pal moved to California, so I visited him a couple of times, heard Limbaugh’s show. Jeez, what a piece of work is that  ‘person’ ! (The only one on the list I have personal experience of hearing.) Ok, you can have freedom of speech, but is there not a way to rebut what is blatant LYING ?

Anyway.

No. 4. Yeah that’s me, don’t do enough of what is right. But I was GREATLY relieved that I conceded 3rd place to GWB in the listings ! That made me feel a lot more well, thank you for that !

Regarding Dick Cheney, I have an American friend in the UK, she says Cheney is ‘scary’, except she expresses it with wide eyes and canine teeth showing. If she could manage blood dribbling from the corners of her mouth, I’m sure she would.

Pat Robertson. What more can be said . . . I was heartened by an acronym about the time Oral Roberts said – ‘The lord commands me to raise $1million bucks, or I will be elevated to heaven’ or some such bollocks. At the time, some genius promoted the splendid phrase, “Lord, L.O.R.D.”  (Let Oral Roberts Die). Brilliant.

And I think you left out the technical term – FUCKWIT. Not a criticism, I just think you should bear it in mind next time.

Cheers,

Trevor.

Dear Trevor,

How dare you, sir? You may be too far away to shoot, but your brazen Euro-elitist stance against the proud American pastime of misinforming the public is a great example of why we had to go to war with your people in World War II. If we hadn’t defeated Churchill at Waterloo, we’d probably all be speaking English and suffering under functional libel laws. Thank God Ben Franklin had the foresight to drop the A-bomb on Chernobyl!

BROWNEYE BULLSEYE

You hit the bulls eye-get it out there in the fascist corp media that in our name they were raping young men in front of their children and wife! I saw a few of those photos and they are beyond sick. PS: I lived in Buffalo for 30 years and want to come back after 20 years in the SanFran/Marin area. People are so fake here–there is no “there” there. I knew the site was from Buff. when I saw it–that unique sense of humor–dead on, jaded, no bs. Keep up the good work. Buffalo is in the top 20 for single cities…

Sandy Williams

Dear Sandy,

The past 20 year have not been too good to Buffalo. But you’re right; Buffalonians are not phony. There’s no point in putting on airs when you’ve got nothing to lose.

HUNGRY HUNGRY HIPPIE

Article: Sodomized to Protect Our Freedoms
Great article.
When I got to your web site it was like arriving hungry to a meal of all my favorites, without the unbuttoning the pants thing to fit desert.

New fan

Dear Fan,

That’s good. Unbuttoning your pants after reading an article about forcible sodomy would be somewhat odd.

DOGWHISTLE ACCOMPLISHED

Article: Dr. Widerquist Interview

No doubt his method of insuring a basic income is one of the saner and more efficient means of taking care of the most poor; but is Dr. Widerquist being serious that he doesn’t know who “Jerome” stands for?  He gots to be down with the bruthas!

Brian

Dear Brian,

Perhaps we should have gone with “Anfernee.”

CORRECTION

Article: FIRST GITMO DETAINEE BROUGHT TO U.S. ESCAPES & KILLS 5,600 IN ‘HELLISH FLAMES

Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani didn’t summon a “large dragon demon named Kluulorth,” you naive fools. He summoned a goddamned djinni (name unknown, but certainly a member of the Legion of Iblis) as is the custom with Muslims the world over. Get your facts straight about pagan sorcery, you benighted heathens!

Awesome McCool

Dear Awesome,

We regret the error.

ILLITERATURE

Erich Schulte makes a very compelling argument against the notion that abortion is murder and the basic hypocricy of the pro-life movement.  Too bad no pro-lifer will actually read this article.  Still, well put sir.
Brad Adams

Dear Brad,
Well, that’s a given, considering Schulte’s piece is longer than a Chick tract.

UNHOLY WATER

Fun fact about waterboarding:

The fucking SPANISH INQUISITION stopped doing it because they thought it was too cruel.

Lawrence

Dear Lawrence,

NOBODY EXPECTS THE… oh, forget it.

KEEPIN’ IT REAL

I found the self-testing quiz ‘Are You a Real American’ helpful enough to put it into a Flash movie, slightly modified. You can enjoy it here: http://us.xtrait.com/?page_id=2192 . If you like it enough to put it on your own website I would like to give the source to you – just for your pleasure.

Exo

Dear Exo,

We appreciate the attribution, man, but we wouldn’t feel right claiming credit for your, ahem, “improvements.”

JUNGEN VERBOTEN!

To the douche-bag bartender at Century Grill that wouldn’t allow my friend and I to take a table because I brought my four year old son with me; yes I did see the sign on the door saying that no one under the age of eighteen was allowed to enter, but my brain thought that was so completely fucking ridiculous that  it didn’t allow the message to reach a conscious level. I could see by the long lonely stretch of empty tables at dinner time on a Friday that my business was not needed at all, I’m sure you are doing just fine subsisting on once a week crowds from Beer In The Square.

If your establishment does not allow children then I suggest that you bar yourself from ever entering because a man in his forties should not have that many earrings and sleeve tattoos, you sad pathetic loser. Warped tour has left you behind, now get a real job.

As for Century Grill, you don’t have to worry about my friend, or I trying to bring the evil menace of four year old children into your place again because it will be a cold day in hell before I ever come back. With luck your shithole can struggle through a few more years before becoming another vacant business in downtown Buffalo, maybe you can get by a little longer with some ethically ambiguous bridge loans from BERC, or shit…. perhaps you already have. So in closing; Fuck off and bacon baskets on the bar was a stupid idea.

Jeremy Bartlett

Dear Jeremy,

Kids are pretty annoying, you know, especially after a couple of pints and an absurdly huge burger. But not yours, of course. We’re sure he’s an angel.

Send us your ignorant musings!

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