Aries(March 21-April 19)
Poor Aries, you’ve had a bad run of luck in the dating department lately and it has you a bit depressed. Well, at least it’s not as depressed as the poor bastard sitting across from you at the restaurant. Christ, even the waiter wanted to kill himself and him interaction with you was minimal. Having a conversation with you is like trying to escape a black hole, no matter how hard you try it just keeps sucking. I’ve seen coma patients with more charisma than you. Do us all a favor Aries and become a shut in.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus, you’re the kind of person than makes the earth a shitty place to live. The amount of bullshit produced by you in one day could fill the Grand Canyon twice. The only positive thing about your existence is that you will in fact die some day (preferably whilst on fire). If you look up “scum” in the dictionary it says; “Scum n. impurities which rise to the surface of liquid and collect on it,” what it should say is “Taurus.”
Gemini (May 21 –June 20)
A small word of advice Gemini, the next time you decide that you need to move over four lanes of traffic quickly try using a fucking turn signal. Doing that may help to avoid the seven car pile up that you were apparently oblivious of. I’m glad you got to Happy Hour on time. In fact I would join you but it seems a good portion of my lower torso became part of the steering column in my car shortly after some asshole cut me off. Gemini, you’re a self-centered asshole.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Sensitive little cancer, I know you are upset at the way that girl at last Saturday’s party rudely shunned your advances, but you did have vomit on your shirt as well as the hand you were using to touch her hair. She may have hurt your feelings but you didn’t have much going on in the self-esteem department to begin with. Look to Venus for consul and try not to drink a quart of grain alcohol before courting a lady. Unless of course that lady happens to be Elizabeth Taylor.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
I told you six weeks ago to have that thing looked at and now look at it. For gods sake you left a wet spot on the couch when you sat down. Picking at it did no good either considering can see it through clothing. Leo, look to Saturn for some antibiotics and several months of skin grafts. Now please leave and don’t worry about the couch, I’m going have it burned.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo, just because you think riding a bike instead of driving a gas guzzling car is the right thing to do doesn’t mean that I want to drive six miles an hour down a main road. That shit might have gotten you laid back in 1963 but today it’s going to get your hippie ass run over. Look to Jupiter for your answers and take the goddamned bus.
Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra, still having trouble figuring out what could have gone wrong at your recent job interview? Well, for starters the majority of job candidates do not wear sweatpants (let alone ripped ones) to their interview and there is the mater of excusing yourself to take a “dump” halfway through the meeting. Think about that before slapping your wife around for “holding you back.” Losers aren’t made, they’re born, and you Libra are a thoroughbred.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
So you got caught masturbating at work and your boss has it on the security tape, worse things have happened. The fact that he made you watch the tape before saying, “I guess I don’t have to tell you that you’re fired,” was a bit painful. Actually the worst part was that you were using the children’s section of the Sears catalog for jerk off material. Yes, I’d have to say that your days in the Big Brother organization are over. Now do us all a favor and jump off a bridge.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Please stop calling her Sagittarius; if she wanted to talk to you she would have called back after the thirty-fifth call you made. The fact that you have been driving down her street slowly several times a night is not one of your shining points. Mars called to you Sagittarius and is telling you to leave that poor woman be. There are plenty of lonely women down at the Tim Horton’s for you to pick up.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Capricorn, look to Neptune this month because I don’t have to much for you this time around and you’re just going to have to accept it. Basically, life has diarrhea and is going to use you for toilet paper. I’m sorry but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Now stop that crying and go drink some bourbon, because bourbon is your friend and we all need friends. Just deal with it Capricorn and have a shot for me.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Little Aquarius, you desperately want to know the key to happiness and I just want to tell you and I am here to tell you that so does everyone else. If happiness and truth could be found in a damned horoscope then we would have a ticker-tape parade down Main Street USA and I’d be in charge of confetti. Either quit your bitching and accept that life is not perfect or just start main lining heroin into your veins. The choice as always is up to you Aquarius.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
If you want the attention of the girl across the street there are better ways than to press your genitals up against your living room window every time she is waiting to pick up her little brother from the school bus. The truth is that most people buy cards or some flowers rather than leave disgusting smears on the window glass. Please Pisces, stop that before someone calls the police again and you have to lie about the smell coming from the basement. Look to Saturn Pisces and put some pants on.