"Totally coup, yo."

BEAST Page 3 Emo Conservative





Name: Derek Hunter

Turn-ons: Bein’ Emo, my hair and stuff, Twitter, Tucker Carlson, Twilight, True Blood, The Cure, The Crow, money, Andrew Breitbart, straw men, like, Townhall or whatever. Baseless ad homs. I dunno. You know. Hanging out at the mall, Hot Topic. Stuff. Being dark. Whatever. I don’t care. Life is darkness.

Turn-offs: liberals, scientific consensus, empirical reality, organized labor, decency, poor people, humanity, sunny days, doin’ what my parents tell me and junk, and making cogent points.

How we got to be the BEAST Page 3 Emo Conservative: The BEAST guys follow Dave Weigel on Twitter, he retweeted something of mine, and then they read some of my articles on Big Government. At first they said reading my stuff was like “eating an unseasoned, aborted fetus,” but then — masochists that they are — they decided to make me the Page 3 Emo Conservative, and I was like, “Whatever, you can’t depress me any more than I am. I’m, like, dark and brooding.” So here I am. Whatever. You don’t know me. I’m dark.

Future plans: I dunno. You know. Just, like, you know, writing incoherent bilge for my corporate paymasters and keepin’ my hair good. And, like, being super dark. And stuff.

How we want to be remembered: As the, like, darkest, most Emo Conservative you’ve ever seen — cuz, like, I don’t even care and stuff. Whatever. Life is meaningless. I should probably kill myself. Whatever.
  • john gallivan

    rer-un was stupid (he was named re-run ’cause he repeated a lot of grades). honestly, i’m too drunk to remember why i’m responding
    to the picture of ‘re-run’. i do remember the mother on the show ‘what’s happening’ seemed to have asthma. she was biiiiig.

  • http://vectorpress.blogspot.com Trevor

    This is oddly appropriate — conservatives are alwasy behind the cultural trends and Emo slit its wrists into oblivion about five or six years ago in the more up-to-date coastal enclaves

  • http://anteprepro.xanga.com/weblog/ Anteprepro

    I can’t imagine how one could be a conservative and NOT be some kind of emo. Most of them practice the political version of wallowing in self-loathing and slitting their wrists, after all. Every Log Cabin Republican, every Jewish conservative, every ethnic minority Republican, every Republican woman, every Republican schlub living in abject povert is voting for a party that is actively opposed to them. It’s hard to imagine that they aren’t doing so while listening to Linkin Park, wearing all black and primping their hair to give the proper aura of unwavering despair and loneliness. Every time I see one of them playing Rabid Right-wing Attack Dog, I can only imagine them when the camera stops, returning to their doghouse, hoping that their masters’ will finally stop beating them. And diving headfirst into Serious Angst when they realize that, no, they won’t.


  • robert van bakel

    Emo are instinctive, animals really. I try to remain human and develop empathy, like ya’know?

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