"Totally coup, yo."

BEAST UNDER ATTACK!

Jan

24

by

Horrid gossip hag pens sinister hit piece on BEAST editor


After four sleepless days, I finally finish and post the Loathsome List, then snort some hillbilly heroin, smoke a roach and slip into a 30-hour coma. I wake up to find that the list is wildly popular, and that I’ve received an email from one Betsy Rothstein—the editor of some insipid Beltway gossip blog called Fishballs DC. She wants to talk to me. Naturally.

Rothstein: "Like, D.C. and stuff, fer sure!"

Rothstein: “Like, D.C. and stuff, fer sure!”

By email I joke that I need proof that she’s not truly Tucker Carlson—an allusion to when Carlson punked Phawker by sending emails from keith@keitholbermann.com. Betsy doesn’t get the joke and offers her credentials. She is, by most accounts, not a very bright woman. Now, I’d never heard of Betsy or her Fishballs but, despite her mental deficiencies, she seemed pleasant enough and, well, there’s no such thing as bad press. Right? RIGHT?!

Avuncular and compliant—to a fault perhaps—I suggest that I ring her cell using Skype. She’s wary. “Does this mean you can see me or vice versa?” she writes. Again, not the sharpest bulb in the box.

A mumbling little girl answers the phone and I say, “Honey, can you put your mother on the phone?”

“No!” she squeaks like a mouse. “I’m [inaudible mumbling] Betsy Rothstein! I’m [inaudible mumbling]. Interview [inaudible mumbling], OK?”

“Oh
,” I say, confused. “Your voice…it’s…I can’t hear you properly.”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I was just sucking Tucker Carlson’s cock. Can you hear me now?”

“Wha—what? What did you say? I don’t think I—”

“I said I was sucking Tucker Carlson’s cock. Can you hear me now?”

“Uh…yeah,” I say, rather stunned. “Did you say—it sounded like you said—”

“I did,” she says. “It’s just part of my job—you know, like, D.C. and stuff.”

“OK? Um…but. I don’t—”

“Let’s just start the inter—”

“I thought he was gay?” I ask. “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Oh, he is,” she relays bluntly. “Huge fag—not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Um…”

“Yeah, he says he just ‘likes the warmth of my mouth’,” she says. “He says it ‘makes him feel safe,’ like he’s ‘back at camp.’”

“I am—huh?”

“It’s just part of my job—you know, like, D.C. and stuff and junk.”


“I—I don’t under—I—”

“Like, whatever!” she snaps. “This is my interview! I’ll ask the questions!”

“Jesus,” I say. “Fine. Go ahead.”

“I haven’t read your piece; why was Tucker on there?”

The rest of the interview was fairly mundane and went pretty much like she describes. She gives a succinct history of The BEAST:

“The site is a Buffalo-based publication originally founded by Rolling Stone‘s Matt Taibii. Taibii no longer has any affiliation with the publication.”

Who is “Matt Taibiiiiii”? Maybe he’s the son of NBC reporter Mack Taibiiiiiiiii? Dunno. Whoever he is, he’s certainly not the greatest financial reporter of our generation.

fishballs-taibbi

She goes on to praise my work as “a uniquely nasty writeup fitting of ‘Mean Girls’ the movie.” Spoiled high school brats also find the Citizens United ruling and egregious government malfeasance unconscionable, apparently. Good for them. And to think, after speaking with Betsy, I was worried about our kids. “Is our children learning?” I wondered to myself. But, despite her mousy voice and knack for pubescent sniping, I’ve since learned that she’s nearing menopause. This surprised me.

The funniest bit of her blog post is when she refers to me as “bitchy” and “obsessed”. This is from a gossip columnist who is said to have once bugged Dave Weigel’s taint and tailed him for weeks with a receiver. Of course, that’s just a rumor—one I don’t lend any credence. But the charge of “obsession” has oft been slung her way. And stuck.

But, you know, that’s her M.O. As is the case with her interest in our Loathsome List, she finds a popular person, place or thing (nouns, generally) and wriggles her way in like a parasitic worm. It’s a desperate ploy for web hits, I imagine, because as of this writing her site has driven a whopping 29 visitors to The BEAST. She did, however, fail to link to the Loathsome List. But…ah! Fishballs LA did not.


So in conclusion, although Rothstein interpreted my humor as “paranoia” you should rush over there and read about how “loathsome”—the title I gave her, btw—I am. They need the hits.

______

Horrid gossip hag pens sinister  hit piece on Murphy


After four sleepless days, I finally finish and post the Loathsome List, then snort some hillbilly heroin, smoke a roach and slip into a 30-hour coma. I wake up to find that the list is wildly popular, and that I’ve received an email from one Betsy Rothstein—the editor of some insipid Beltway gossip blog called Fishballs DC. She wants to talk to me. Naturally.

I joke that I need proof that she’s not truly Tucker Carlson—an allusion to when Carlson punked Phawker by sending emails from keith@keitholbermann.com. Betsy doesn’t get the joke and offers her credentials. She’s, by most accounts, not a very bright woman. Now, I’d never heard of Betsy or her Fishballs but, despite her mental deficiencies, she seemed pleasant enough and, well, there’s no such thing as bad press. Right? RIGHT?!

Avuncular and compliant—to a fault perhaps—I suggest that I ring her up using Skype. She’s wary. “Does this mean you can see me or vice versa?” she writes. Again, not the sharpest bulb in the box.

A mumbling little girl answers the phone and I say, “Honey, can you put your mother on the phone?”

“No!” she squeaks like a mouse. “I’m [inaudible mumbling] Betsy Rothstein! I’m [inaudible mumbling]. Interview [inaudible mumbling], OK?”

“Oh
,” I say, confused. “Your voice…it’s…I can’t hear you properly.”

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I was just sucking Tucker Carlson’s cock. Can you hear me now?”

“Wha—what? What did you say? I don’t think I—”

“I said I was sucking Tucker Carlson’s cock. Can you hear me now?”

“Uh…yeah,” I say, rather stunned. “Did you say—I thought he was gay?—not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Oh, he is,” she relays bluntly. “Huge fag—not that there’s anything wrong with that.”

“Uh…”

“Yeah, he says he just ‘likes the warmth’,” she says. “He says it ‘makes him feel safe,’ like he’s ‘back at camp.’”

“I…what?”

“It’s just part of my job—you know, like, DC stuff and junk.”

“I—I don’t under—I—”

“OK, shall we start the interview?”

“Uh…sure,” I say.

FishballsDC

All comments or questions should be directed at the intensely private Betsy Rothstein. She can be reached @ 202-747-4338.

  • Bob

    I.. I don’t.. What is.. People read this?

  • E Scott Frogelman

    you are the coolest. she is an old whore. but i would put my p in her v. whatever. oh yeah, she sucks at writing. that’s another thing that she has that you don’t.

  • robert puglia

    what a tunamelt, ala paula deen

  • robert puglia

    ps; thank you for hating clucker tiresome

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    Being invested in the whole Loathsome thing, there’s not much I can say that won’t sound defensive.

    But what the fuck is her blog about? It’s like some precious DC gossip column; with the stink of coddled grads acquainted with the mechanics of English, but who remain detached enough from reality outside the dorm that even the most disturbing of propositions has about equal gravitas to “Stars Without Makeup.”

    Does she gloss over the numerous political accusations, the moral indictments, and zoom in solely on the most superficial personality traits mentioned as a deliberate attempt to trivialize things; or is she really just being true to her priorities?

    It’s like she’s auditioning for the waiting room weekly; stuff that won’t stir up the body’s humors in other human soy milk lattes, while they look forward to their root canals.

    It’d be nice if someone could level a bit of decent criticism; even something that just skipped the ‘I know you are, but what am I?’ shtick that calls the authors loathsome.

    The authors already called themselves loathsome in a past edition. But I don’t really expect journalists to research things anymore (much less chicks whose derogatory clichés begin and end with movies for high school girls).

    And I’m not even tagged. That does it.

    Fuck you… um… hold on… gotta switch tabs…

    … … …

    … Betsy Rothstein!

    That’s right — I’ve vaguely hated you from the moment I heard of you fifteen minutes ago! And I’ll hold a diffuse contempt for you until later today, when I’m downloading “Boardwalk Empire.”

  • IDM

    When I want DC Gossip, there’s nothing better than Wonkette. Hers was uninspiring, sadly. At the very least, it should’ve linked the video with you at the Creation Museum.

  • Laura

    I think the loathsome list goes over this bloggers head. Has Perez Hilton contacted you for an interview yet? Or maybe you can do an interview with Perez posing as a gay rights group or something. That’d be fun!

    I have an adhd child (or maybe he’s indigo) and in a way should have found your undercover article of the retard in the creationism theme park offensive but atlas I couldn’t help laughing even though you completly got the aspergers act wrong. Sorry to critique your act but if you ever pretend to have aspergers around people who actually know what aspergers is then you will be discovered right away. I don’t think most fundies know the difference between mental retardation, aspergers and polio though. Next time remember people with aspergers would not be over friendly, but more likly the opposite. I think the cluelessness of the fundies is what made me laugh more than anything, ok so the pictures did too.

    Despite the fact that I should have found you offensive the adhd in me (yes I am an indigo adhd person as well) interupted my feelings of outrage with my sense of humor.

    Btw I love that you guys talk about indigo children in the manner you do because I have gotten into arguments with people on adhd parent forum about this topic. Some idiots think there child with adhd is indigo and therefore shouldn’t be disciplined, which scares me. Ok my rant is done and I hope you all have a nice week!

  • HonestJohn

    She’s deleted all negative posts on her “story” (including mine)…what a tool.

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    There are more comments on this article about her article than on her article itself.

  • Sean Hannity

    well, let’s be fair – half of the comments on the articles on this site are from you, bunting and murphy.

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    Hannity

    Not counting mine on either site, there are still 4x as many comments on this article. But who’s counting?

  • http://nanobotswillenslaveusall.wordpress.com/ Josh Bunting

    Betty blocked me. I think she might have finally realized that all those chipper, mindless comments were sarcastic.

  • steve

    Peppercorns shit, indian corn in my shit, peanuts in my shit. you cannot clip the balls off this one, Larry. Your soul is dog shit. I must admit you castrate a fine heifer, but you smell of aids. do me a favor. go to the corner store and buy a gallon of milk, go home, start a fire in your living room, and drown yourself in the toilet. watching lucy pour sardine juice all over her tits. watching Thomas Pynchon burn himself making Babaganoosh. Watching the chief of police dance the dance of kings, of spiritual slam dunks. suicide! WHAT A DREAM!

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    She blocked me. Way to go, Betsy. At this rate, the only comments left will be from her mom.

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    I don’t like being thwarted by technological gimmickry. Time to send an e-mail inquiry.

  • Tech-NO!

    Use an IP hider and make her nuts a web proxy like anonymizer works well too

  • robert puglia

    i asked her why she deleted negative comments. i was deleted and blocked. her article is a protracted negative comment and not funny. what a cretin.

  • http://www.cinemasucks.com/ Mike C.

    I e-mailed her about the technical problems currently hindering any lively discourse on her site. I don’t know about you, but I’m optimistic.

    Hello Betsy Rothstein.

    I noticed, as certainly you have as well, that I was accidentally blocked
    from posting a brief response to your article about our 50 Most Loathsome
    Americans list. Since no writer as confident in their abilities as you
    would depend on censorship to quell criticism, I thought I’d alert you to
    this, so measures might be taken to avoid it being misconstrued as a
    deliberate expurgation.

    We’re not afraid of criticism, though we ask that the dialog flow both
    ways; which is why our comments section remains open to even the most
    strident of readers.

    Surely, you have no intention of stifling the free speech of your own reader.

    Er, readers.

    -MC

  • robert puglia

    who says her mom liked it? dc fish smell.

  • James Nasium

    Beast publisher Paul Fallon is nominated for Douche of the Year

  • robert puglia

    …but james nasium takes the prize.

  • Phil

    HAHA Robert! His name was JIM NASIUM! Like a gymnasium! AAAHAHAHAHA!!! That guy is clever! Loved the list this year! With all that’s happening in the world currently, she must be one serious journalist to be doing slam pieces on Murphy. There’s a word for her though…Loathsome!

  • Howdini

    Bitch blocked her mom!

    Her mom!

    Bitch.

  • mr. mike

    She can’t even spell Taibbi’s name correctly twice for fuck’s sake!

    Who gives a flying fuck what some rich white ditz thinks?

  • Zilla

    Check her comments section… 4 comments, and TWO of them are Chris Riordan trying to bait Rothstein to friend him on Facebook by saying he has “information about Ian Murphy”.

  • Slab Beefchunk

    Hahahahahaha!! Now *that’s* funny. She wants you in the worst way, Murphy.

  • Dan

    To be fair the whole pretending to be retarded thing was in kinda poor taste.

  • Strangepork

    I agree Dan, retards taste terrible.

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