EATING ON THE TOILET AND OTHER WAYS TO MAXIMIZE PRODUCTIVITY
In the old economy, time was money. In the new economy, time is less money. Our parents’ generation (well, the white ones with penises, anyway) earned nearly double what we do, for doing the same jobs. These depressing facts in mind, here are some time-savers that’ll help get you to your non-union job faster, and suck the life out of you more efficiently than ever!
Whether you’re starting a new job, or just had your hours reduced, it is always important to be punctual. One great way to save time in the mornings is to have breakfast while sitting on the toilet. The people of Great Neck, Long Island have made a recent tradition of “dining while dumping,” says Great Neck Village Tribal Leader David Albury. “The people of Great Neck, we all have a toilet in the living room. We go to bathroom while we eat Crispix and listen to Morning Edition. We’ve been like this since two-thousand. It save lot of time,” said the former member of the middle class, as he got on the LIRR to head to his part-time security job on Wall Street, where he protects the nation’s benevolent job creators.
But you shouldn’t just Dine and Dump for breakfast. Many employees bring lunch from home and consume it in their company’s rest room, like legal secretary Gwendolyn Rosemond. “My job graciously gives me a whole half hour for lunch, so rather than waste my time standing in line to get food and then eating it quickly so I can get back to work, I just bring food from my house and eat it right in the ladies room,” she said from her favorite stall.
It’s not just bathroom hours that count when you’re saving time. Remember, when you’re working a job with no (or terrible) health benefits, no overtime pay, horrible hours and continuous threat of layoff – while the business is making record-breaking profits — you want to work really hard to show your dedication to your employers.
One important point not to be forgotten is to avoid doing what you love. Being efficient requires that you to give up on outdated ideas like “dreams” or ‘hope.” If you have not gone home at the end of a work day hating your life, then you’re not really working. “Contemplating Suicide,” said the poet and full time waiter, Joseph Clarke, “is what makes life worth living.” Boredom, anger, and frustration are the key building blocks to productivity. These emotions are especially useful after your job cuts off all internet access. Work just goes faster when you hate every minute of it.
You should also be sure to make your desk a clutter-free zone. The best way to do this is to toss as many files into the trash as humanly possible. These files are just slowing you down and need to be destroyed. If the files are needed more than once you can always throw away the parts that are least likely to get you fired. “When I destroy a file, I make sure to set small fires within the file room during fire drills. I figure, it keeps the Fire Marshall on his toes and it extends the time we get to be out of the office,” says an anonymous source, who’s been a temp worker at a Conde Nast publication for six years running.
And finally, you should cut back on socializing. Knowing the names or even the faces of co-workers uses up precious time best spent grinding away at things that will be very important in the future when you find yourself lying in some hospital somewhere waiting to die. Leave any conversation in the toilet where it belongs. If you find yourself trapped by a co-worker who wants to talk about things unrelated to work, like the weather or how you’re doing this morning, be sure to report that person to the boss. Any sort of pleasantiries in the work place could promote people discussing things they dislike about the job, which, if left unchecked could lead to horrible ideas like unionizing, adequate vacation time, child labor laws, and something called “weekends.”
Joe Dixon is a comedian from NYC. He is currently drunk and/or angry. Get thee to his Youtube channel.