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Breaking News: Football Is Violent

Mar

08

by

New Orleans Saints plan football version of Death Race 2000

Hey, did you know that football players get paid large sums of money to beat the shit out of each other? I know! I was shocked, too! Oh, and get this, apparently hockey players get paid to fire a cylindrical bit of rubber at a net! Barbaric, right?

“I knew I should’ve been a CPA!”

Yes, last week it was revealed that the New Orleans saints had been running a “bounty” program in which defensive players would get paid extra money for knocking other players out of the game and, ever since, a massive epidemic of butthurt has overtaken the sports world. How could something so disgusting possibly happen? Well, let’s see: football players get paid to hit each other, these players received extra money for hitting players harder. What so many are calling “appalling,” I call “giving 110 percent.”

With this information out in the open, the Saints figure to receive a pretty steep penalty. Not because they deserve to, but because Roger Goodell would love to any chance to pretend that he actually gives a flying fuck about player safety. Anyone who knows Goodell knows this is not the case. This is the guy who wanted the league to have an 18-game special so these mighty warriors might have two extra games to give each other concussions. Goodell only gives a rat’s ass about safety when it means he gets to punish someone.

And, boy, did he hit the mother lode this time. The media is pretending to be horrified by this, and would love to see Goodell execute the entire Saints’ starting defense (and all of the coaches) by firing squad. No penalty he gives them will be deemed too harsh. See, it’s not that what the Saints did was really that bad, it’s that it’s the kind of thing the media loves to overreact to. Sportswriters love to pretend that professional sports are brimming with morals and ethics, but really we just watch them because they’re fun, and because deep down, we really do enjoy violence. Actually, if the popularity of MMA is any indication, we enjoy the fuck out of it.

But don’t tell that to a sports writer, and definitely don’t tell it to ESPN’s Gregg Easterbrook, who stated in his latest column that the bounty program was horrible because players were causing harm. Um, does this guy even watch football? Players harm each other on every play! Maybe they aren’t always actively trying to hurt a player, but they are knocking each other around, and serious injuries are inevitable.

Football is easily America’s biggest sport, and the violence may be a big reason for that, but now people want to deny what football is. It’s a bunch of large, muscular men running into each other at full speed. As a result, there’s some violence. I’m not saying what the Saints were doing is right, but in the context of football, it’s completely understandable. Nobody wants to admit they love a game where violence is not only inevitable, but encouraged as well, but that’s football. The sooner we come to terms with our secret enthusiasm for violence, the sooner we can get back to sitting on our asses, drinking a beer, and not having a care in the world about how much head trauma that guy on the Falcons just suffered.

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  • RobThomas

    If the game is always played violently, players are always trying to “take out” the opponent, so to speak, then why the need for bounties? Why would they actually pay players to do something they’re doing anyway? Is this merely an underhanded way of beating the salary cap? Something isn’t adding up.

  • RobThomas

    I remember reading a sports illustrated article in the ’90s where some anon player said the Chiefs would sign guys just to injure opponents. So it goes on in the NFL, too. Fuckwad Shottenheimer used to accuse the Raiders of being dirty. Chiefs were sending guys with turtlenecks right after opponents’ legs.

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