Meet Ryan LeVin:
LeVin is the 36 year old millionaire jewelry heir who this past weekend got away with murder.
That’s not to say that he was found not guilty in court. He was found guilty of killing two people (they were British businessmen, but let’s not split hairs) and was sentenced to two years of unmonitored house arrest at his parents’ oceanside condo and ten years probation.
The reason LeVin didn’t go to prison like you would for two counts of vehicular homicide and another for leaving the scene of an accident is because he paid his victims’ widows an undisclosed sum of money. Justice might be blind, but it definitely takes personal checks.
Back in 2009, LeVin was out tooling around in his Porsche 911 Turbo at around 1AM after leaving a restaurant with a friend. Suddenly his car was on the sidewalk and yada yada yada, some British guys were dead. He later claimed his friend was behind the wheel, probably because he already had an impressive 50+ traffic violations since 1992 and a history of drug abuse. In fact this incident also violated his parole from when he ran over a Chicago cop and led police on a chase back in 2006.
Police somehow found out that it was LeVin behind the wheel, and so he would need a lawyer. In an amazing coincidence, he happened to hire as his defense attorney one David Bogenschutz. The judge of his case was Broward County Circuit Judge Barbara McCarthy. This is one of those judicial positions which is elected, not appointed. McCarthy was elected in 2010. Her deputy campaign manager was David Bogenschutz, who you’ll remember from earlier in this paragraph turned out to be LeVin’s lawyer.
And as if by some cruel cosmic joke, here is how this story appeared on someone’s Reddit. If you have an irrational fear of clicking on links, what it shows is the LeVin ‘no jail time for killing two people’ story just above another about a high school student named Tyell Morton who was just sentenced to 8 years in prison for a senior prank where he put a blow-up doll in the girls’ bathroom.
If you clicked on the links cited so far, you’ll notice that LeVin’s already been eviscerated in the press. The Chicago Sun-Times editorial called him a “suburban brat.” If only editorial boards across the country came out this strongly against, say, Goldman Sachs:
Let’s be clear: Prison is for poor people. Prison is not for rich people. Prison is for people who cannot buy their way out.
So there’s enough demands for LeVin to do prison time out there already. But like Broward County Circuit Judge Barbara McCarthy, I’m willing to overlook the normal rule of law in this case. If we’re going to go back to using some definition of justice which goes back to the Dark Ages, then that’s fine. So I am offering an undisclosed sum to the first person who is able to provide for me the decapitated head of Ryan LeVin. Please.
His house arrest is unmonitored, so that should cut down the risk factor. And if you happen to get caught cutting off LeVin’s head, you can just hire the judge’s lawyer friend and buy your way out of prison. We at the BEAST may not be millionaires, but now it can’t be said that we aren’t doing our part as “job creators.”