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Can David Gregory Predict Earthquakes?

Aug

26

by

For decades, scientists have tried to discover whether or not animals have an ability to predict earthquakes. And now thanks to David Gregory, host of Meet the Rise of the Planet of the Press, they may be one step closer to an answer.

MSNBC executives report that at least 10 seconds before the East Coast Earthquake struck last Monday, David Gregory abandoned his meal in the break room and climbed from his table to a nearby refrigerator, where he then jumped to a chandelier in the middle of the room.

“He was doing that ‘woo-hoo-hoo!’ thing he does when he gets excited by a guest dodging his questions,” said Sandy Miller, a producer at MSNBC who witnessed Gregory’s behavior firsthand. “By the time I could feel the earthquake, he was already throwing his feces all over the place.”

“I mean like everywhere… It was ugly,” Miller continued, her voice drifting away into a mumble as she stared at her shoes.

Unfortunately, the network’s closed-circuit television security system was only set to stream video of Gregory to a website for fans of his antics, not to record. Geologists skeptical of claims of animals predicting earthquakes claim that witnesses may have remembered the event in the way they preferred, not necessary as it actually happened.

“Gregory’s handlers naturally became attached to him, just by working with him on a day-to-day basis,” said Michael Blanpied of the US Geological Survey. “It’s emotionally appealing for people to imagine that  animals they live and work with are special.”

Blanpied also said that it was likely that the MSNBC employees  may have mistaken causation for correlation, and that Gregory’s outburst was unrelated to the earthquake. “He could have just been angry about the shortage of ripe bananas or the lack of coverage on Ron Paul, and the fact that it happened before a major earthquake was just a coincidence,” Blanpied explained.

When asked for a response, Miller only repeated, “So much feces…” over and over again.

  • Chris Riordan

    I just ate my poop.

  • sdfsdfsdf

    gregory really is a neandertal

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