"Totally coup, yo."

Can we just shoot some pigs already?




America’s cops should remember that their employers have the right to bear arms

I should preface this article by stating:
1) Despite my liberal use of the editorial “we,” I do not represent the 99% movement in any way, and the Occupiers have explicitly denounced violence, so there’s no point citing the following as another mythological example of OWS’s violent tendencies.
2) I also do not necessarily think that physical force is a smart tactic, in terms of goal-advancement, public relations, or general effectiveness, but I do think it’s important to put the fear of violent reprisal into the small, fascist minds of the thin blue slime, for it seems to be what they understand.
3) And, yes, I know: not all cops are overcompensating psychopathic needle-dicks; some of them are overcompensating needle-vaginas.

ICE-T MAKES ME SAD. Musically, he was never too impressive, but “Cop Killer” had a really good message that you could dance to. You could tell it was good because it upset Tipper Gore.

Awesome: “I know your family’s grieving…fuck ‘em! Cop killer! But tonight we get even!”

But now, as some sort of karmic penance, he plays a detective on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Although it does give me hope that one day I’ll land a lucrative role as a street-smart military chaplain on Marshall Law & Order: Show I just Made Up Unit.

Not so awesome: “Is Detective Munch in this one? I dunno.”

I can only see so many cops punching women in the face, breaking people’s skulls with tear gas canisters, indiscriminately beating students with batons, and pepper-spraying little old ladies, before I start considering whether or not smashing a few pigs in the face with a brick is a valid form of protest.

“Why are you bringing me into this? I was a good fictitious cop, goddamn it!”

It goes without saying that people like Jamie Dimon, Lloyd Blankfein, the Kochs, Michael Bloomberg, and all the legally untouchable hedge fund managers who ripped off the entire country, that is, the 1%, deserve a proper beheading. Revolutions are just better when heads roll. And we all know it. Blood of patriots and tyrants, and all that smooth jazz. But our response to the overwhelming police brutality has been charitable. On the streets and information superhighways, the 99% has taken a friendly, turn-the-other-cheek, we’re-all-on-the-same-side-here kind of approach.

“That street-smart military chaplain role is mine! Back the fuck up, son!”

This is the legacy of Martin Luther King and Gandhi. The basic principle of non-violent civil disobedience is to send your oppressor’s guard dogs on a guilt trip. As heinous as someone like Tony Bologna (the NYPD captain who crystallized the movement by needlessly pepper-spraying two young women — likely due to rage issues stemming from being mocked as a child, for being named Tony Bologna) is, you can only physically assault someone who isn’t fighting back so many times before you start to feel like a total asshole.

“First they ignore you. Then they ridicule you. Then they attack you. Then they realize you’re Ben Kingsley.”

And OWS stepped into that legacy. The idea is that by playing it cool, and presenting the authorities with clear evidence that they are, in fact, being huge assholes, that they’ll feel guilty and stop being assholes. This approach has worked in modern history, and it’s working here to some extent, as demonstrated by the resignation of Oakland Mayor Jean Quan’s legal advisor Dan Siegel. He saw that the peaceful protesters didn’t warrant violent attack, so he felt guilty about being part of a fascist regime, and he quit. And any time the police have crossed the line, the occupations have rebounded in both numbers and public support. Success.

But that’s part of the issue, isn’t it? The Law & Order profession attracts a certain personality type — like priests and college football coaches, but with less boy-rape. Cops tend to be the kind of people who love having power over people. They love the guns, the sticks, the cuffs, blowing red lights, and hassling skateboarding teens and minorities.

Take a look at this guy, and tell me he’s not having a great time:

“Yeah! Get some, bitches!”

Overflowing with glee, like a babe on Christmas morn.


Is that the exuberant expression of a man who’d tire of wailing on hippies, hippie-sympathizers, and the merely hippie-adjacent? No, I’m afraid that this man doesn’t deserve charity. What he deserves is an education he can more easily grasp — one administered, not with empathy and patience, but with a rusty chain and a spiked bat.

“Or, you know, shoot them in the face.”

Oh yeah! Second Amendment Remedy! As a liberal (a group I also do not represent in any way), I always forget about that one. Hot damn! I mean, Breitbart’s been goading the Left to take up arms, and I’m starting to see his point.

In times like these, it’s wise to note the order of our constitutional amendments. The First Amendment guarantees us the right to a free press and free expression, so it should only stand to reason that when that one fails you go to Plan B, which is our right to bear arms against enemies both foreign and domestic. And deer. Stupid deer.

And don’t fool yourself, our First Amendment is failing. The Department of Homeland Security has ordered Occupiers out of a public park in Tennessee, for one particularly disturbing example. Generally, however, municipalities have been infringing on our right to redress our exceedingly justified grievances in the public domain. This is only slightly less troubling than DHS and FBI collusion, which is now reported to be of a far-greater scope.

On Monday night, not only did Bloomberg’s Stormtroopers forcibly deny U.S. citizens their constitution right to peaceably assemble  – under the flimiest pretext of maintaining public health & safety — they also infringed on the press. Josh Harkinson from Mother Jones was assaulted, many other accredited journalists were arrested or simply barred from doing their jobs, even the airspace over Lower Manhattan was restricted, so that news helicopters couldn’t get shots of the disgraceful nighttime raid.

Violence is just what the Founding Fathers intended. They owned slaves, for Romney’s sake, and they could likely not imagine that a revolution would succeed by linking arms and letting your oppressor’s henchmen beat the shit out of you. In theory, I’m legally allowed to call for the violent death of asshole cops and the mendacious oligarchs they serve — just as you’re legally allowed to be a racist jerk who writes that Obama “will have a 50 cal in the head soon” — because we have that First Amendment thing. And when we can’t go number one, we can go number two. That’s what makes America so great. We’re the land of opportunity. And potty humor.

“I’m what Ann Coulter imagines Occupy Wall Street is like.”

Because really, let’s face it, certain “news” outlets are trying their damnedest to frame OWS as a violent movement, anyway. And the powers-that-be have this thing so very twisted that they can no longer discern between violent and non-violent action. After last week’s terrible beatings at UC Berkeley, Chancellor Robert Birgeneau sent out an email to students and staff that contained this obtuse little gem:

It is unfortunate that some protesters chose to obstruct the police by linking arms and forming a human chain to prevent the police from gaining access to the tents. This is not non-violent civil disobedience.

I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to understand why the Tea Party was strapped at town hall meetings. This is a very similar situation, but instead of protecting ourselves from evil socialized medicine, we’d be protecting ourselves against a real thing that exists.

OWS should have a natural ally in the Tea Party; there’s nothing more Big Government than DHS crushing our constitutional rights. Right? As it turns out, they’re more interested in calling OWS mutants, losers, and rapists. Systemic corporate corruption and government malfeasance should be a bipartisan issue. However, your typical right-wing troll doesn’t blink when 700 people get arrested at once, or when cops illegally search people’s bags, confiscate books and guitars, or throw out people’s tents and other belongings. They actually seem to enjoy it. But if OWS had its guns confiscated, the Teabaggers would probably deploy their toothless militias and join the cause.

“Release the hounds.”

We’re a nation of laws, but those laws are completely arbitrary and bent in favor of wealthy criminals. You can tank the economy by trading knowingly toxic assets, but you can’t sleep in a public park. So maybe it’s time to take the law into our own hands, and start delivering justice through the barrel of a gun — we’re talking your Dimons, Blankfeins, etc., in addition to their gangs of vicious gatekeepers.

The NYPD, and many other departments across our great country, are on the wrong side of this class war. They’re dupes, rubes, willing fangs of a rich and heartless bitch. Short of popping a cap in their asses, or a more proportional pepper-spraying, club-beating approach, at the very least it’s worth reexamining the purportedly valiant nature of our ruminant class. They’re spineless swine, and this is more apparent than ever. Even white people are starting to get it.

Sure, non-violence will probably work here, but we should remember that we do have the option to physically subdue our adversaries by any means necessary. It’s a simple numbers game. We have them. Sometimes ant colonies swarm and ravage lions to the bone. We can do that, if we choose. We can also be more civilized and condemn the mad musings of this author.

It’s our choice to make, and the next time some cop’s on the verge of punching a woman in the face, he’d be well-served to remember that his physical well-being depends on the choices we make. We’re animals, you know, we dirty humans. Anything can happen.

So in summation, yes, this was a bit of a trollolololo, as the kids type. I preemptively apologize, for possibly providing ammunition to illiterate right-wing liars, and facetiously advocating violence against my fellow countrymen. Only a hardcore asshole would think that violence is a valid means to an end. What do you call people like that? Oh, yeah. They’re called cops.

  • admin

    Alternate ending:

    And like the profoundly dumb and dangerous wild primates they are, we should only shoot cops with cameras…and then everyone smiles, hugs, and starts dancing.


  • http://www.dailyraider.com Anthony

    you just gave Breitbart a rocking hard-on with this article. Great Job!

  • admin

    Yes, in that way, this article is very much akin to a mutilated African-American lesbian covered in cocaine and money. Thank you.

  • sullivan

    Not that we didn’t know the tea party was full of shit anyway, but that’s the first thing I said when the police busted up Oakland a few weeks ago. Where’s the tea party? If this isn’t government oppression, what is?

  • Anthony

    In my opinion, this movement needs to orchestrate a general strike on a national level- or even a series of general strikes. They could set a date and spend the interval campaigning. The winter will probably drive most of the occupiers into hibernation soon anyway. They don’t even have to call it a general strike, they could call it a “day of patriotic reflection”- in the traditon of Gandhi. This would allow participants, businesses, and government offices who stand in solidarity with OWS time to prepare for the strike(s). It also would not obligate anyone to a protracted ocupation or protest. Anyone could participate. I know I’d participate. Violence is certainly one way to make a statement, but bringing the economy to a grinding halt is, I would argue, a more effective method.

  • Lynch Democrats

    Leftard tears sure taste good. You won’t do shit because deep down, you love the government too much.

    Why should we help you?

  • Cor

    We don’t want your “help,” loser. All teabaggers do is whine about shit somebody made up. . . how does that help us?

    We’ll call the tea party when our beds need wetting because somebody said “fuck” on TV, or a billionaire is in danger of being taxed fairly. Until then, stick to the passive-aggressive bumper stickers you cowards like so much.

  • Mike C.

    Everybody knows liberals hate guns.

    I definitely don’t own two of them. It’d be absurd to think my friends and I take Sig Sauer and Glock .40s, Beretta and Ruger 9mils, and my totally not-favorite, the Colt .45, to the indoor range to shoot $80 into the wall.

    And even if hypothetically, I, and a bunch of other liberals, went to the mountains of Santa Barbara to fire pistols and AKs into the hillside, there’s no possible way we could enjoy it. The kick on those dreadful things might sprain our wrists, and who knows how long it’d be before we could resume pressing lilies between the pages of Rimbaud.

    Ooh, but I’m so tempted to take up arms at such smarting pwnage by IRL troll, Breitbart. It’s extra insulting, our being dealt such a devastating blow by someone who clearly knows his blow.

  • Casper

    Yup,,, libbie here too. Military vet, 3 guns oiled & clean & sighted in dead tight. We don’t carry weapons to protests – but it’s not because we don’t have weapons, it’s becuase we’re intelligent. The myth of the unarmed wimp Liberal is just that, a myth.

  • Harold

    It can’t be that easy to trace bullets bought at wallmart to a random person without motive….

  • Harold

    ..and Mr. Democrats….did you ever think that fighting back cops beating the general pubic might be helping yourself?

  • Zoner

    OWS should buy a few dozen cans of pepper spray and let the cops have a taste. Or go the Black Panther route and just have some guys with guns standing by at every police action. There’s no law against openly carrying weapons in New York, right?

  • http://bit.ly/sdi4Tj Trevor

    It may be satisfying but slotting cops isn’t good long-term strategy. Just angers ‘em up more, gets the fascist twerps in the heartland voting for more draconian assholes and pretty soon you’ve got your very own OMON.

    Not to say we shouldn’t get violent. Peaceful protests rely on shaming the enemy and bankers clearly have no shame. Ya wanna put the fear into ‘em, with loud noises and stuff crashing. This one guy, McGuinness, did just that at another stock exchange place. He went long-term and, well, he got some good returns on that little investment…

  • oggy

    This article reads like a bad draft.

    “The basic principle of non-violent civil disobedience is to send your oppressor’s guard dogs on a guilt trip.”

    Really, Ian? You want to get trite with Gandhi’s legacy? Satyagraha means “Truth Force” and it’s goal is to turn the activist into a vessel of change. If you fight fire with fire then every 200 years you’ll have a religious/geo-political split or a military coup because fundamentally nothing changed. Furthermore, occupying a park isn’t contentious like sitting at the front of the bus, eating at a diner, paying taxes or burning ID cards.

    We get the government/law enforcement we deserve. The 18-35 set could put Hulk Hogan in the white house if we wanted to and votes, not bullets, would do the trick. Of course, public school doesn’t teach a sense of urgency about voting, but we could change that too. No chance the cops should be the first to be shot because they chose a secure career track. Lou Pai is on the top of that list.

    Money is the real weapon in America and that’s where any change will begin. Boycott Fox, Boycott Walmart, Boycott your landlord. Find a Bailey Building and Loan and put all your savings in it. Put all your efforts and money into tangible investments. Critical thinking and common sense are needed more than guns.

  • http://www.dailyraider.com Anthony

    Too bad people find it difficult to get to the last paragraph of this article.

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

    You say that as if you haven’t been obsessively clicking refresh on this website for the past 10 years.

  • matt

    oggy “We get the government/law enforcement we deserve. The 18-35 set could put Hulk Hogan in the white house if we wanted to and votes, not bullets, would do the trick.”

    WE don’t deserve it. The old fucks who sold out after the sixties did. But they’re getting old. Time is their enemy.

  • matt

    maybe you’ll get on Ratigan or something after Breitbart or O’Reilly or one of those guys throw a tantrum

  • http://www.buffalobeast.com/ Josh Bunting

    @”realchris” lol u mad.

  • RobThomas

    Brietbart would be a more pleasant person if he just came out of the closet and stopped lying to himself. “We have the guns”. Ha ha ha.

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