America’s cops should remember that their employers have the right to bear arms
I should preface this article by stating:
1) Despite my liberal use of the editorial “we,” I do not represent the 99% movement in any way, and the Occupiers have explicitly denounced violence, so there’s no point citing the following as another mythological example of OWS’s violent tendencies.
2) I also do not necessarily think that physical force is a smart tactic, in terms of goal-advancement, public relations, or general effectiveness, but I do think it’s important to put the fear of violent reprisal into the small, fascist minds of the thin blue slime, for it seems to be what they understand.
3) And, yes, I know: not all cops are overcompensating psychopathic needle-dicks; some of them are overcompensating needle-vaginas.
ICE-T MAKES ME SAD. Musically, he was never too impressive, but “Cop Killer” had a really good message that you could dance to. You could tell it was good because it upset Tipper Gore.
But now, as some sort of karmic penance, he plays a detective on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. Although it does give me hope that one day I’ll land a lucrative role as a street-smart military chaplain on Marshall Law & Order: Show I just Made Up Unit.
I can only see so many cops punching women in the face, breaking people’s skulls with tear gas canisters, indiscriminately beating students with batons, and pepper-spraying little old ladies, before I start considering whether or not smashing a few pigs in the face with a brick is a valid form of protest.
It goes without saying that people like Jamie Dimon, Lloyd Blankfein, the Kochs, Michael Bloomberg, and all the legally untouchable hedge fund managers who ripped off the entire country, that is, the 1%, deserve a proper beheading. Revolutions are just better when heads roll. And we all know it. Blood of patriots and tyrants, and all that smooth jazz. But our response to the overwhelming police brutality has been charitable. On the streets and information superhighways, the 99% has taken a friendly, turn-the-other-cheek, we’re-all-on-the-same-side-here kind of approach.
This is the legacy of Martin Luther King and Gandhi. The basic principle of non-violent civil disobedience is to send your oppressor’s guard dogs on a guilt trip. As heinous as someone like Tony Bologna (the NYPD captain who crystallized the movement by needlessly pepper-spraying two young women — likely due to rage issues stemming from being mocked as a child, for being named Tony Bologna) is, you can only physically assault someone who isn’t fighting back so many times before you start to feel like a total asshole.
And OWS stepped into that legacy. The idea is that by playing it cool, and presenting the authorities with clear evidence that they are, in fact, being huge assholes, that they’ll feel guilty and stop being assholes. This approach has worked in modern history, and it’s working here to some extent, as demonstrated by the resignation of Oakland Mayor Jean Quan’s legal advisor Dan Siegel. He saw that the peaceful protesters didn’t warrant violent attack, so he felt guilty about being part of a fascist regime, and he quit. And any time the police have crossed the line, the occupations have rebounded in both numbers and public support. Success.
But that’s part of the issue, isn’t it? The Law & Order profession attracts a certain personality type — like priests and college football coaches, but with less boy-rape. Cops tend to be the kind of people who love having power over people. They love the guns, the sticks, the cuffs, blowing red lights, and hassling skateboarding teens and minorities.
Take a look at this guy, and tell me he’s not having a great time:
Overflowing with glee, like a babe on Christmas morn.
Is that the exuberant expression of a man who’d tire of wailing on hippies, hippie-sympathizers, and the merely hippie-adjacent? No, I’m afraid that this man doesn’t deserve charity. What he deserves is an education he can more easily grasp — one administered, not with empathy and patience, but with a rusty chain and a spiked bat.
Oh yeah! Second Amendment Remedy! As a liberal (a group I also do not represent in any way), I always forget about that one. Hot damn! I mean, Breitbart’s been goading the Left to take up arms, and I’m starting to see his point.
In times like these, it’s wise to note the order of our constitutional amendments. The First Amendment guarantees us the right to a free press and free expression, so it should only stand to reason that when that one fails you go to Plan B, which is our right to bear arms against enemies both foreign and domestic. And deer. Stupid deer.
And don’t fool yourself, our First Amendment is failing. The Department of Homeland Security has ordered Occupiers out of a public park in Tennessee, for one particularly disturbing example. Generally, however, municipalities have been infringing on our right to redress our exceedingly justified grievances in the public domain. This is only slightly less troubling than DHS and FBI collusion, which is now reported to be of a far-greater scope.
On Monday night, not only did Bloomberg’s Stormtroopers forcibly deny U.S. citizens their constitution right to peaceably assemble – under the flimiest pretext of maintaining public health & safety — they also infringed on the press. Josh Harkinson from Mother Jones was assaulted, many other accredited journalists were arrested or simply barred from doing their jobs, even the airspace over Lower Manhattan was restricted, so that news helicopters couldn’t get shots of the disgraceful nighttime raid.
Violence is just what the Founding Fathers intended. They owned slaves, for Romney’s sake, and they could likely not imagine that a revolution would succeed by linking arms and letting your oppressor’s henchmen beat the shit out of you. In theory, I’m legally allowed to call for the violent death of asshole cops and the mendacious oligarchs they serve — just as you’re legally allowed to be a racist jerk who writes that Obama “will have a 50 cal in the head soon” — because we have that First Amendment thing. And when we can’t go number one, we can go number two. That’s what makes America so great. We’re the land of opportunity. And potty humor.
Because really, let’s face it, certain “news” outlets are trying their damnedest to frame OWS as a violent movement, anyway. And the powers-that-be have this thing so very twisted that they can no longer discern between violent and non-violent action. After last week’s terrible beatings at UC Berkeley, Chancellor Robert Birgeneau sent out an email to students and staff that contained this obtuse little gem:
It is unfortunate that some protesters chose to obstruct the police by linking arms and forming a human chain to prevent the police from gaining access to the tents. This is not non-violent civil disobedience.
I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to understand why the Tea Party was strapped at town hall meetings. This is a very similar situation, but instead of protecting ourselves from evil socialized medicine, we’d be protecting ourselves against a real thing that exists.
OWS should have a natural ally in the Tea Party; there’s nothing more Big Government than DHS crushing our constitutional rights. Right? As it turns out, they’re more interested in calling OWS mutants, losers, and rapists. Systemic corporate corruption and government malfeasance should be a bipartisan issue. However, your typical right-wing troll doesn’t blink when 700 people get arrested at once, or when cops illegally search people’s bags, confiscate books and guitars, or throw out people’s tents and other belongings. They actually seem to enjoy it. But if OWS had its guns confiscated, the Teabaggers would probably deploy their toothless militias and join the cause.
We’re a nation of laws, but those laws are completely arbitrary and bent in favor of wealthy criminals. You can tank the economy by trading knowingly toxic assets, but you can’t sleep in a public park. So maybe it’s time to take the law into our own hands, and start delivering justice through the barrel of a gun — we’re talking your Dimons, Blankfeins, etc., in addition to their gangs of vicious gatekeepers.
The NYPD, and many other departments across our great country, are on the wrong side of this class war. They’re dupes, rubes, willing fangs of a rich and heartless bitch. Short of popping a cap in their asses, or a more proportional pepper-spraying, club-beating approach, at the very least it’s worth reexamining the purportedly valiant nature of our ruminant class. They’re spineless swine, and this is more apparent than ever. Even white people are starting to get it.
Sure, non-violence will probably work here, but we should remember that we do have the option to physically subdue our adversaries by any means necessary. It’s a simple numbers game. We have them. Sometimes ant colonies swarm and ravage lions to the bone. We can do that, if we choose. We can also be more civilized and condemn the mad musings of this author.
It’s our choice to make, and the next time some cop’s on the verge of punching a woman in the face, he’d be well-served to remember that his physical well-being depends on the choices we make. We’re animals, you know, we dirty humans. Anything can happen.
So in summation, yes, this was a bit of a trollolololo, as the kids type. I preemptively apologize, for possibly providing ammunition to illiterate right-wing liars, and facetiously advocating violence against my fellow countrymen. Only a hardcore asshole would think that violence is a valid means to an end. What do you call people like that? Oh, yeah. They’re called cops.