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Feb

02

by

The Beast Super Bowl preview!


Before I give you my take on this year’s Super Bowl, there’s one thing you should know: my opinions will be completely biased. I’m a diehard Patriots fan, and this Sunday there’s nothing I’d like to see more than the Pats ripping the Giants to shreds, while Eli Manning sobs on the sideline in disgrace like the over-hyped, less-talented sibling that he is, therefore making up for the crime against humanity that happened 4 years ago, when the Giants somehow managed to beat the Pats, which still stands as the single worst day of my life.

That being said, the Super Bowl is hardly just about football. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the single least important facet of the day. Well, except for hockey. I’m pretty sure I’m the only one in the country who watches the “special” edition of Hockey Night in Canada the afternoon before the game. No, the Super Bowl is about commercials, commercialism, alcoholism, and eating food that will slowly kill you. In other words, everything that makes America great!

First off, let’s talk about the commercials. I will never, for the life of me understand why people make such a big deal about this. The rest of the year, we hate commercials, then when advertisers make it their duty to shove as much advertising down our throats as possible, suddenly that becomes something special. Is it because of the big budgets? Is it because ad companies allegedly get more creative when crafting a Super Bowl ad? Please, after Timothy Hutton’s idiotic-beyond-belief ad insulting Tibet last year, along with Danica Patrick making every feminist in America seriously contemplate suicide with another GoDaddy.com piece, it should be obvious that there’s nothing inherently special about these ads.

Now, onto the halftime show. After Janet Jackson’s tit destroyed western civilization in 2004, the Super Bowl fell into a fairly steady trend in this area: booking safe, old rock and roll performers who might not be too daring, but definitely wouldn’t corrupt America’s youth by displaying their junk. This led to a few good halftime shows (Prince, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty), and a few not-so-good ones (Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, both of whom seemed bland as hell despite an astonishing back catalog). Eventually, we got tired of this, however, so last year, The Black Eyed Peas showed up, playing their awful music, while Slash buried his legacy further into the ground. It was at that point that we learned to never to take old farts for granted.

Unfortunately, this year’s halftime show is going for the worst of both worlds, giving us Madonna, a performer well past her prime, who was never really all that good to begin with. If she busts out “Borderline” and “Who’s That Girl” — the only two Madonna songs I like — this could be salvageable. But I doubt it. We’ll probably hear some unnecessary garbage from her new album, before hearing “Music” and “Ray Of Light” for the ten trillionth time. Sheesh, why not just have the cast of Glee do their modern day Up With People bullshit routine. Oh wait, Fox doesn’t have it this year. Oh crap, we’re two years away from that.

Okay, onto the game itself. Well, despite a strong 13-3 record, the Pats come into this game as a relative underdog. Due to their weak defense, as well as a poor performance from Tom Brady in the AFC Championship game, many people are doubting if they can hold their own against the Giants, who, despite going just 9-7 in the regular season, have a surprisingly deep team.

The Pats offense is better than the Giants offense, but not by much. After Brady — who can make a legit claim for greatest QB of all-time if the Pats win (like I said, I’m super-biased) — the Pats have the terrifying tight end duo of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez, who combined for 171 receptions this season, as well as Wes Welker, who can catch 15-yard passes down the middle all-day, unless he’s double-teamed. And if the Giants do that, that will just leave the tight ends more open.

Unfortunately for the Pats, the Giants offense is pretty solid, too. They have three damn good receivers (Hakeem Nicks, Victor Cruz, and Mario Manningham), and as much as I hate to admit it, Eli Manning is playing the best football of his career right now. I still don’t think he’s on the same level as Brady, but the Giants should definitely be able to put some points on the board.

When it comes to defense, the Giants have a huge edge. Their defensive line features Jason Pierre-Paul, Justin Tuck, and Osi Umenyiora — all juggernauts who could make Brady’s day miserable if the Pats offensive line isn’t up to the task. Umenyiora and Tuck did just that four year ago, and the addition of Pierre-Paul (possibly the best defensive player in the league right now) only makes things scarier.

So, the Giants match up pretty well against the Pats, but they still might not be able to handle the scariest duo in the league – Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. With the possible exception of Bill Walsh and Joe Montana, there’s never been a QB-coach relationship that’s worked as well as this one. With the evil super genius calling the plays, and the league’s best QB making the perfect throws, the Pats are just about unstoppable.

With all of that in mind, I’m expecting an extremely close game, and possibly one of the best Super Bowls ever. These are two very good teams with a previous history, and that should lead to an amazing game. Either team could pull it out, but I’m going to talk myself into picking my favorite team just because the alternative would be too damn depressing.

The (probably biased) pick: Pats 24, Giants 21
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  • P

    Your second youtube ad link is the same as the first one!

  • John Hugar

    Well I was dead fucking wrong. And I nominate Welker for Most Loathsome 2012 for that fucking awful drop.

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