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Arts and Culture


@AndrewBreitbart: Bereave Yourself!

Mar

05

by
"Behaaave yourselves!!!"
I drew this crude sketch of Breitbart. Thirteen days later, he was dead. Because I am a fucking space warlock.

War has been described something like this: unbearable tedium, punctuated by short bursts of absolute terror. Which is a microcosm of life itself, if you think too hard about it. Both are at once unpredictable and tiresome, and both stir armchair assassins full of empty (laughable) bravado who wave their doughy fists at evils safely on other continents—men whom it would be an unpleasant chore to envision running more than ten feet without gasping like goldfish. All their energy is spent barking, their voices probing hoarsely where their pale, enfeebled bodies dare not. Through this phenomenon, we endured the sleaze, contrivance (and physical threats!) of an effeminate, sneering attack dog for corporate scum, who maintained the personality—and water retention—of an oppressed midwestern woman permanently on the rag. Occasionally, life throws us a bone. Or some bones—in this case, the skeleton of the marshmallow man himself, which will soon be supporting so much melted blubber.

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Muppets aren't the only Communists in children's entertainment

Dec

06

by

Thanks to the hyper-vigilant folks over at Fox News, we can now add The Muppets to the long list of children’s characters, like Sponge Bob, Grover from Sesame Street, and the Teletubbies, who’re subverting the minds of our nation’s youth. At least someone cares about the children. But did you know that most, if not all, children’s characters are super-communists? They are!

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The War On Nickelback

Nov

17

by

Thanksgiving uprising thwarted, but spirits still high

Nickelback isn’t just a shitty band, they’re the shitty band. When you think of plodding uninspired garbage that symbolizes the absolute death of modern rock music, they’re the band that first comes to mind. Sure, there’s plenty of other bands stinking up the joint, but Nickelback is the face of the movement, and the Hinders and Theory of a Deadmans of the world are merely their tepid co-conspirators.

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Did Last Night's South Park Have A Point?

Nov

03

by

Or was not having a point the point?

South Park isn’t exactly a model of consistency. Whereas Family Guy and The Simpsons can generally be divided into their respective “great”, “mediocre”, and “fucking awful” eras, South Park can land in any of those categories on a weekly basis. For every gem like the “Trapped In The Closet” episode (for which Tom Cruise sued them — just in case “What do South Park and The Beast have in common?” becomes a popular trivia question), we get a turd like “A Million Little Fibers”, where Matt and Trey apparently thought having Oprah’s vagina talk to her asshole would be funny for 22 minutes (if they had stopped at 5, they would’ve been right).

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Family Guy Should Go Away

Nov

01

by

We get it Seth, you like rape jokes

When it comes to TV comedies, I’m a pretty cheap date. Sure, I may prefer sophisticated material like classic Simpsons (which for me, is Seasons 2-9), or Community, but I’m more willing to slog my way through the monotonous mediocre muck of Two And A Half Men or Yes, Dear when I just need to go 30 minutes without thinking. As much as I like to pretend I have good taste in TV, I’ve probably kept a lot of shitty shows on the air over the years.

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Rage Face(book)

Jul

29

by

BEAST banned by fascist social network

[UPDATE: We're allowed to post BEAST links on Facebook again because you, dear readers, complained so very much. Thank you!]

You can share some pretty great things on Facebook–family photos, your moods and activities, your affinity for eating shit in a sexual context, and your Holocaust denial. You can even share awesome websites with your closest Aryan brothers just by pasting the url into your status update! We live in a truly open virtual society where all points of view, no matter how dumb or morally repugnant, are freely expressed. Heil Facebook!

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The Beasties: The Fighter

Feb

22

by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films — the penultimate edition.

***
First 2 Minutes: Christian Bale is high on crack, because it’s 1993 and meth isn’t awesome yet, and being interviewed about what a dick he is. He’s affecting a Southie accent and berating the crew about how they got in his line of sight. His brother Marky Mark sits down next to him and feels the vibrations. They watch home movies in their minds. These words appear on the screen: “Based on a true story, which makes white people feel like they can succeed at sports.”

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The Beasties: True Grit

Feb

17

by

Timestamped reviews of Oscar-nominated films—we’re doing all 10 nominated for Best Picture? Make it stop!
***

true-grit

***
First 9 Minutes: An old lesbian’s voice-over about how Dick Cheney shot her father in a hunting “accident” and then stole his horse, and how, as a little girl, she set about avenging him…which spoils the entire movie. The flashback begins: The young lesbian haggles over the price of her father’s coffin, and belittles her grown, male slave, setting the racist tone of the film. She stumbles upon a public hanging; some douche whines about dying; another guy is just like, “Whatever. Fuck you;” and they don’t let the Indian talk. The little lesbo talks to the sheriff about where to procure an unabridged thesaurus and legal dictionary to help track down Cheney. She then sleeps in a coffin because the Super 8 has bed bugs.

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We get spam

Jan

06

by

WordPress does a pretty good job of filtering out spam comments. We get lots of them at the BEAST, many of which are pretty funny because they’re awkwardly worded (“I very much enjoy this content, please continue,” etc.). But this one I took note of was weird in both its approach and the actual product/service it was trying to sell.

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