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BEAST Contributors


ROEDER THE MAYBE KILLER

Aug

05

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NOBODY REALLY THINKS ABORTION IS MURDER

By ERICH SCHULTE

Every few years a wingnut murders a doctor who performs abortions or bombs an abortion clinic. The most recent victim is Dr. George Tiller, a late-term abortion specialist who had already endured another attempted murder several years ago and whose clinic had been bombed in the past. The suspect taken into custody is named Scott Roeder.

To those of us who don’t hate women for having sex, Roeder is a clear villain, someone we wouldn’t mind seeing drowned in a slurry of discarded fetuses.

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TWITTERS RULES!

Aug

05

by

by GRAND AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENEI

SupremeK Hello my friends! This is your Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei! I am very happy to be using this wonderful new technology, twitter. God wi

SupremeK What happened? Hmm. I guess they haven’t gotten all the bugs out yet. Kind of like Iran’s election process! Ha! But seriously, I want to rea

SupremeK I don’t get this. It keeps cutting me off after just a few words. That can’t possibly be how it’s supposed to work, can it? Hmm. Because tha

SupremeK This is worse than a telegram. How on earth is this the cool new thing? It’s like a blog, but way worse! Stupid infidel technology.

SupremeK Ha! I said something that time! I guess the trick is just to keep it short. I am not used to being cut off, being the holy ruler of my count

SupremeK Dammit!! That is so annoying! No wonder the protesters are so angry! LOL! Anyway, I just wanted to let my people know that there’s no way

SupremeK The election couldn’t have been stolen, because we, like, counted the votes. I know it was awful quick, but that’s because I use a method I lik

SupremeK e to call “Holy counting”, which basically involves me waving my hands around and then Allah beams the numbers into my head. He’s Allah, he

SupremeK wouldn’t jerk me around. Besides, I am inerrant, so even if I just took a guess it would be right. PWND! I agree it’s a bit odd–well, seems

SupremeK odd–that the vote count in 50 or so cities is actually higher than the population, but again, it’s only by a few million, so be cool, people

SupremeK Hey @Mousavi you need to chill out dude Mahmoud won get over it. You getting peeps killed so CHILL BRO!

SupremeK I think I’m getting used to this.Hey Americans leave Iran alone why not get off your butts and play some soccer? Lard butts LOL PWND!

SupremeK BTW did any1 see Meghan McCain on Bill Maher? What a bimbo! Begala destroyed her without even trying! Slut should cover herself!

SupremeK Oh yeah you can’t watch that here we shut down all media, speaking of which I saw some cell phone vids of people dancing NO DANCING

SupremeK Dancing and singing is not cool people. Listen to me, I’m telling you it only leads to more sins against Allah. No dancing and no protest

SupremeK Stop blowing up the Basij, they are nice guys you would like them when they’re not shooting your chest LOL

SupremeK LOL Fred Thompson’s on Meet the Press—betcha wish you’d stayed at the Manhattan DA’s office numbnuts. Dissing Obama so I guess he’s cool now

SupremeK Hey, @Schwarzenegger: I’ve got an idea for your money probs: drill baby drill! ROFL just kidding, we have all the oil too bad ;..(

SupremeK OK that was mean, sorry. This twitter thing is gay like the protesters. Ya heard? Protester are teh gay!!

SupremeK Remember, the election results can’t be rigged because then I will have been wrong when I said they weren’t, and I can’t be wrong

SupremeK What’s the big deal anyway? It’s not like Mousavi is going to let you dance! Only I may dance!

SupremeK LOL keyboard cat is hilarious! Turn the volume down, it’s not religious music. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J—aiyznGQ

SupremeK Hey @Neda, sorry but you should have been home cooking rice, no one gets shot making rice! Unless my thugs invade their home LOL

SupremeK Am I the only one who misses Bush? LMAO

SupremeK CNN is so lame they don’t even broadcast my tweets! I swear that black guy is a robot

SupremeK how many Jews can you fit on one soundstage? Ask Wolf Blitzer LOL

SupremeK That whore Christiane Amanpour is showing her hair again! WHORE!

SupremeK You see people, if you continue to sow dissent women will walk around with their hair out

SupremeK That’s it people! Next time no election! Now going to get some fried eggplant YUMMY!


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Hampton Comes Alive!

Mar

15

by

THE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE

Like all y’all, I wanted to know why the hell my February 2009 issue of The Beast had not arrived. I dig that the January issue came out late. I accepted the fact that it takes time to put together such a righteously fine list of loathsome motherfuckers. The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008 was worth waiting for, you know what I mean? Nevertheless, I didn’t expect to be waiting more than four weeks for the next issue to come out. Now they tell me that there ain’t gonna be no February issue and they’re gonna skip right on to March. So, because they’re a bunch of pussies, they asked me to apologize on their behalf and to kind of break down the why of it for y’all.

While I don’t actually have to pay for a subscription up here in heaven, I’ve been told that you motherfuckers that do pay for your subscriptions will still get the ones that are coming to you, that is the number you paid for. As for what’s up with this missing an issue shit it breaks down like this:

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