Sagittarius, I see tranny porn in your future. I also see it in your browser history.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You can quote Reinhold Niebuhr all you want, Capricorn, but eating the last slice of pizza was immoral.
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
At some point in the coming days Aquarius, you will recall this horoscope’s dead-on prediction.
Pisces (Feb 18 – Mar 20)
If you want to be a marine biologist, well, that’s your choice, Pisces. But I won’t tolerate your providing aid and comfort to the anemone.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
It’s great that as god’s earthy representative you’ve joined the fight against climate change, Aries, but instructing your benighted followers to never wear condoms is actually one of the most damaging things you could do to the environment. Plus, your god’s a joke, and those red shoes make you look like a fag-fucking cock-goblin.
Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Is McDonald’s better than cat food? There’s only one way to find out! Actually, there are two ways to find out, but your cat’s too smart to eat McDonald’s.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You know what’s dumb about “CSI: Miami,” Gemini? Everything. Absolutely everything.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You shouldn’t feel stupid for buying a Buick just because it turns out Tiger Woods really drives a Cadillac, Cancer; you should feel stupid for watching golf.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
Look, Leo, by definition it’s impossible to incorporate the nonviolent teachings of Gandhi and Dr. King into the ass-kicking teachings of Alexander the Great and Genghis Khan, but it sure does make a great speech!
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
Hey, Virgo, did you know that “The Golden Girls” had a spinoff called “The Golden Palace,” which was about Rose, Blanche and Sophia opening a hotel? Did you also know that Don Cheadle played the hotel manager and Cheech Marin played the cook? And did you know that my girlfriend makes me watch “The Golden Girls” and that she has an unhealthy obsession with Golden Girls trivia?
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)
You should really try getting into bonsai, Libra. The great thing about plants is they don’t scream when you cut them.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Dear Roland Emmerich,
Neutrinos do not “mutate”! And even if they did—somehow, impossibly—alter their physical makeup so that they could heat up the earth’s core like a “microwave,” said neutrinos would cook everything on the surface of the earth before moving on to cook the core. Think about it, Roland, because you obviously haven’t. And where’d you get the idea that your average, non-Navy-SEAL-human-being can hold their breath for two minutes? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? But, I will say that your nonsensical nature-is-chasing-the-protagonist scenes in 2012 were far more believable than they were in The Day After Tomorrow. The thing about the phenomenon known as cold, Roland, is that it’s the relative absence of molecular velocity. The colder an object, the slower its molecules are moving. The point is, Roland, that if air is cold enough to kill people it can’t also chase people down hallways. And if it somehow possessed the agency to chase anything, at any speed, which air does not, the very act of chasing would heat the air via an increase in its molecular velocity. Roland, baby, try making a movie about something plausible, like, oh, I don’t know… a mediocre film maker with the mysterious ability to steal hours away from people’s lives and IQ points from their brains by enticing them into theaters with John Cusack and explosions. They say write what you know. And I know that if there’s any justice in this world, you will be raped by a rhinoceros. That rhinoceros will be named “No.” And the more you scream and cry, the more he’ll think you love it!
Everyone who likes good movies