"Totally coup, yo."

Beast Reader Opinion


That's A Spicy Miscarriage-a of a-Justice!

Jul

27

by

A BEAST Reader Opinion

By Mario

Mario, seen here shaking his fist at the

injustice in the case of Amanda Knox

Bonjourno! I’m a-Mario and I’m an Italian-Americano and I do-a the plumbing! But today I’m-a here to tell you about how I’m ashamed of my-a country’s criminal justice system, specifically in the small town of a-Perugia. Perhaps we discuss it over a nice-a pizza pie! Mario knows just the right-a place!

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Those homos in the State Senate should pass the Marriage Equality bill already

Jun

22

by

A BEAST Reader Opinion

billy-ray

by Billy Ray Bull

So here we are on the cusp of a major civil rights victory, right here in New York State. Sure, we’re not the first state to legalize gay marriage, but we’ll be the first with a large population. But instead of getting down to the important work of fighting for marriage equality for all, our State Senate is being all gay about it.

Each moderate Republicans has taken their share of the spotlight by publicly considering whether or not to support marriage equality. And then there are staunch Democrats and Republicans who have already made up their mind. This leaves the Senate as a whole institution straddling the fence. And they probably like that, being gay homos and all.

Hey, New York State Senator Mark Grisanti! If you like being indecisive so much, then why don’t you marry it? Oh, is it because indecisiveness is another dude, and it’s currently illegal for you to marry it? Then that’s your own fault, you fag!

OK guys, here’s the New York State Senate: “Oh Gregory, what ever should we do today?” “Well Robert, let’s start by stalling on the Marriage Equality bill by designating sweet corn as the state vegetable. Then we can get to the buttsecks because we are huge homos and we love the cock!”

Our elected officials should be representing their constituencies. That means all of them, not just the ones who share a common sexual and gender preference. Even serial killers and rapists are allowed to get married while they’re in prison. And they’re not even allowed to vote! It’s wrong and immoral for our elected officials to deny basic human rights to someone just because they love someone of the same sex. It’s also pretty fucking gay of them.

So let’s get moving, people! We’re on the verge of making history here, and if you’re a public figure, you should want to be on the right side of it. Take a break from feeling each other’s schlongs or whatever it is you guys do all day and pass the Marriage Equality bill already.


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I'm Eatin' People Food Tonight

Sep

05

by

A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Jimmy Stinson

Brought to you by…

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You read me right, by Jiminy. I’m a eatin’ people food tonight! Hot dog! Well, not quite, but close.

The dish du jour for this monsieur is a barely dented can of Vienna sausages, thank you very much. Who would throw away such a fanciful delicacy, you ask? The Walgreens down on 5th. Itchy Dave dug ‘em out the dumpster. They was right on the top! But you know Itchy Dave. He ain’t want nothing to do with ‘em. Some people do not appreciate the finer things, mon aimees. Greasy, congealed pearls before swine.

Peggy and her new beau might be up under the 17th street overpass tonight. I saw her yesterday down near the mission and she said they might even get some hooch with the money they got from sellin’ plasma. Sausages and a cocktail, that would be somethin’, boy.

I generally stay away from the mission on account of the proselytizing, but sometimes you just have to accept Lord Jesus as your savior to get you some tube socks, you know? I don’t see any other reason to—except these here Vienna sausages, naturally. They better than any old water-walkin’ anyhow. I mean, what’s that ever done for anybody?

A guy I tramped with down Baltimore way used to say, “Jimmy, there’s two things you need to know about this here life: one, keep your feet elevated to reduce the swellin’ and two, a man will always trade Jesus for a good lookin’ woman!” And don’t you know he was right. Too bad so many of good ones freeze during the night.

Once Peggy was talkin’ how we should get down south. Now this was way before she done hooked up with that fella. Them fools is inseparable now, thicker’n thieves. But you know, she ain’t laid eyes on these here Vienna suasages. Ol’ Jimmy’s got a few trick up his sleeve.

A woman, some fine cuisine and the hair of the dog what bit me! Now that’d be the life, brother.

That’d be the life.


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