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The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.


“I want security, yeah
Without it I had a great loss, oh now
Security, yeah
And I want it at any cost, oh now”

-Otis Redding

July 16, 2008—“Are you guys crazy?” a fisherman screams to us across his bow. His larger, motorized vessel rocks precariously in the Lake Erie chop, fifty yards off our port. The wind is twenty if it’s a knot. The sea, she’s a daft wench this morn’.

“Yarrrrrr, matey!” Jones manages to answer, as a white-capped swell pitches our canoe like a child’s toy. The fiberglass prow hammers the deep trough and he bounces forward. “Yarrrrr!”

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Let there be retards




“THREE-O-NINE! THREE-O-NINE!” I crudely affected like an overgrown toddler, exuberantly waving the hotel room key card overhead, and cradling a small, foam-rubber Tyrannosaurus Rex. I adjusted the thick, foreign prescription bifocals strapped to my head, and steamrolled to the front of the line—purblind and unconcerned with normal etiquette. I wasn’t about to wait around in the Godforsaken lobby of a Cincinnati EconoLodge while the biggest story since creation started without us.

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