"Totally coup, yo."

Caigoy


@AndrewBreitbart: Bereave Yourself!

Mar

05

by
"Behaaave yourselves!!!"
I drew this crude sketch of Breitbart. Thirteen days later, he was dead. Because I am a fucking space warlock.

War has been described something like this: unbearable tedium, punctuated by short bursts of absolute terror. Which is a microcosm of life itself, if you think too hard about it. Both are at once unpredictable and tiresome, and both stir armchair assassins full of empty (laughable) bravado who wave their doughy fists at evils safely on other continents—men whom it would be an unpleasant chore to envision running more than ten feet without gasping like goldfish. All their energy is spent barking, their voices probing hoarsely where their pale, enfeebled bodies dare not. Through this phenomenon, we endured the sleaze, contrivance (and physical threats!) of an effeminate, sneering attack dog for corporate scum, who maintained the personality—and water retention—of an oppressed midwestern woman permanently on the rag. Occasionally, life throws us a bone. Or some bones—in this case, the skeleton of the marshmallow man himself, which will soon be supporting so much melted blubber.

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Caigoy Shrugs 9

Nov

09

by

BEAST reads Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to!

Read parts onetwothreefourfivesixseven & eight.

Ya get it? Ya get it?

It’s time for another riveting edition of As The Rotor Turns! I promise (lies) that you’ll be on the edge of your seat (and out the door, and retching at the curb). The fellas will thrill to freight loads of action packed monologues, the ladies will swoon to monotonous digressions about trivial bourgeois angst and scenes of gratuitous rape! People of indeterminate genders or conflicted sexual orientations will do combinations of things not definable without resorting to Latin, as indistinctly drawn characters expound on a philosophy of total apathy toward human suffering!

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Caigoy Shrugs 8

Sep

29

by

Dagny crashes plane, sadly not dead

The BEAST reads Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to!
Read parts onetwothreefourfivesix & seven.

Apart from illustrating the author’s homeliness, the dust jacket says the richest, and therefore most capable and worthy of life, are disappearing from a society that’s persecuting them through regulations and tax proposals so bizarre and surreal they’d make Nicolae Ceaușescu loose his bowels. All they want to do is make things, and drain the currency out of the country, but people keep insisting on maintaining a civilization. They’re unabashed in their controversial position that money is awesome, and that existence totally exists.

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Caigoy Shrugs 6

Sep

15

by

Rearden Metal lands contract to build world’s largest asshole

The BEAST reads Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to!
Read parts onetwothreefour and five.

I’ve seen the inside of a courthouse a lot lately. Mostly on traffic fines. Next time a cop asks if I know why he pulled me over, he’s gonna get, “Because the city is desperate? Because they don’t trust you with real police work?” I don’t think I’ve won many friends in the justice system, even in my scant participation. I’ve poisoned jury pools with doubts about law enforcement’s efficacy being such to justify the death penalty (watching my reasoning cascade, repeated by other soon-to-be-dismissed jurors was quite satisfying), made lawyers backpedal and request sidebars that immediately preceded my eager dismissal; I’ve chatted with fellow defendants on how and why they should fight every ticket they receive.

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Caigoy Shrugs 5

Sep

09

by

BEAST literary critic Michael Caigoy found alive, resumes review of Atlas Shrugged

(Read parts onetwothreefour)

EDITOR’S NOTE: Michael Caigoy was once a young and promising literary critic. And then in late December of last year, he decided to tackle Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. The project was abandoned in late January, 2011 with no explanation. I naturally presumed the worst — that he’d gone off to live on a Peter Thiel-created island of misfit libertarians to smoke deregulated, gold standard bong-hits and exploit the porpoise proletariat. As it turns out, he just really disliked reading Rand, and we weren’t paying him. But after much pestering on my part, he’s back to finish sloggin’ through one of the worst books ever written, so that you never have to. Please, enjoy responsibly.
-IM

***

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Social Media for Public Figures

Jun

20

by

Weiner has fallen, can Boehner be far behind?

If you’ve gotten anywhere in politics, chances are good you know little about anything else. Sure, it’s open to debate whether there’s inherent value in aggressive self-ingratiation, hyperactive networking, and public speaking when it’s in the service of promises as empty as your smile. But plenty of science has gone into perfecting vacuous things, and there’s an art to instilling in a hysterical public the improbable prospect that you’ve come far enough to be taken seriously, by seriously threatening the status quo.

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Caigoy Shrugs, Part IV

Jan

16

by

BEAST philosopher-at-large Michael Caigoy reads Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to


Part Four: Rand Vs. Nature

(read part one, two and three)

RANDMEN

It’s important in Atlas Shrugged to vilify Rearden’s wife, Lillian, so his betrayal can be rationalized. For an author like Rand, who has little interest in the pathos of female characters (Dagny hardly counts), shortcuts must be taken in undermining any sympathy the reader might develop. To this end, Rand picked through the literary trough and found frigidity — the gimmick wheeled out by Orwell to justify Winston’s separating from his wife, freeing him morally, to later bone Julia and brew coffee out in an old peeping-tom’s loft space.

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Caigoy Shrugs, Part III

Jan

05

by

BEAST philosopher-at-large Michael Caigoy reads Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to


Part Three: Ayn and the Ghost of Dead Prose
(read part one and part two)

sdfdsfdsfdsfdsfds
Courtesy of ideologically_abhorrent_tattoos.com


While it’s definitely not a favorite (it’s not even passable), Atlas Shrugged tops a few lists for me. It has the flattest, least engaging characters I’ve dealt with. It makes the Brave New World lineup seem dimensional in comparison — and that’s saying something. It’s also the most humorless, insistent, ridiculous manifesto I’ve encountered — and I’ve read plenty of those. Worst of all, this might be the longest book I’ve ever fucking read.

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Caigoy Shrugs, Part II

Jan

02

by

BEAST philosopher-at-large Michael Caigoy reads Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, so you don’t have to


Part Two: Ayn meets “Charlie’s Angels”
(read part one here)

OK. Fine. You asked for it.
The intellectual libertarian: outstanding in his field.


I’ll say one good thing about Objectivism and libertarianism’s true believers. Through some combination of their myopia, comical zealotry, self-absorption, belligerent certitude, and knee-jerk social contrarianism, they sometimes eschew breeding. Mercifully, Rand is exhibit A.

In ‘82, her heart went all Galt on her, refusing to beat, just to spite her parasitic circulatory system. It’d gotten a free ride for 77 irrational years. What’s in it for me? the organ complained. It made its point, and she died alone and childless, just over eight months after the final episode of her beloved “Charlie’s Angels” aired.

But without her inexplicable writing success and the worshipful hangers-on that followed, her conspicuous misanthropy might’ve otherwise afforded her a death under a stack of toppled newspapers. She’d have lent sustenance to her 16 reluctant cats, until the epic odor rousted her neighbors to heroic action!!!

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