04
"Hey, look! I found a copy of The Beast from 2006 in here!"
It’s been three years since “Futurama” returned to the airwaves, and I think we can safely say the show is still funny. Admittedly, there were some concerns at the beginning, like the highly dubious “Susan Boil” episode (I get shivers just thinking about that one), but for the most part, the show is producing just as much laughter as it did in its original run.
18
The 2012 election will be the sixth presidential election of my lifetime, and the third one I’ve actually given a shit about. In 1992, I was barely sentient, having absolutely no idea that Bush had just lost, or that his son would eventually bring the world just shy of complete destruction. In 1996, I wanted Clinton to win, but only because my mom said he was better than the other guy. It’s kind of like how she roots for the Memphis Grizzlies even though she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about basketball. She knows I like them, and that’s that. 2000 was pretty much the same. I knew that the monkey-faced Republican who stole the election was a bad dude, but I had no clue why. Those years, I was just too young.
09
03
The philosopher Daniel Dennett jokes that the job of the philosopher is to defend the indefensible. Sam Harris fits that definition pretty well. And often. His latest indefensible essay is called “In Defense of Profiling.”
21
There are many benefits to being a Pope. For example, you have the moral authority to call Jews “dirty ignoramuses,” or steal Jewish children from their parents. Your complicity in terminating Jews will be written off as a mere youthful indiscretion, and you can cover up the Catholic Church’s systemic child rape without getting in trouble. How wonderful is that?
10
A Disappoint BEAST Editorial
A couple of recent events have me disappointed in American Atheists. I agree with most of what they do, but being a skeptic means you have to call bullshit when you see it, even when it’s coming from friends.
07
As you’re no doubt aware, President Obama (known throughout my studio apartment as the Drone King for his excellent ability to kill people overseas while still maintaining massive support among liberals who use to hate that sort of thing when a Republican did it) picked up the phone to chat with a woman by the name of Sandra Fluke.
Ms. Fluke, a Georgetown University law student, was called a “slut” and “prostitute” by fat fuck-face Rush “Why Has He Not Joined Andrew Breibart Yet?” Limbaugh. Mr. Limbaugh, a right-wing blowhard radio host, who has since offered an “apology,” took to bashing Ms. Fluke because she went on the TeeVee and defended employer-provided insurance that covers birth control.
Yes, readers of the future, birth control is what people fought over in America in the beginning of the 21st Century. If you feel like looking down on we, your ancestors, you have every right. Have at it. We have earned your righteous contempt many times over.
Meanwhile, for those of us still here in the present I thought I’d whip up a nice little list of people and or groups that President Barack Obama DIDN’T call.
Obama didn’t call…
… the people of New Orleans to apologize for the Army Corps of Engineers drowning them.
… workers in Wisconsin to support their battle for collective bargaining.
… his supporters to explain his craven drug policy concerning pot.
… Iran so he could “talk to our enemies.”
… on cops to stop cracking down on Occupy protesters.
… environmentalist to let them know they could go fuck themselves.
Maybe he’ll phone when Limbaugh calls them sluts. Probably not.
______________________________
Follow Joe Dixon on Twitter, or check out his Youtube channel if you want to see him get drunk and read the bible.
______________________________
05
You know, I’m an odd guy. I mean odd beyond my sex acts with furries and constant need to chew my socks. I’m odd because I’m one of those assholes who think it’s kind of important if something is true or not, making me the total opposite of chrome-dome philosopher Alain De Botton.
02
A Pro-Life BEAST Editorial
Unless you were cloned in a lab, a series of highly improbable events led to your birth. Millions of sperm rushed to fertilize an egg inside your mother’s body. Only one of those would lead to your birth. And against all odds, fetal development continued until you were born. Unlike most pregnancies, your’s wasn’t terminated by natural causes, resulting in what we call a miscarriage. Just being able to take those first few breaths of air after birth is an opportunity so unlikely that it makes winning the lottery seem plausible. Me, I appreciate having beaten those odds. I embrace being alive.
Others don’t. Or at least, they can’t. They can’t because they’re dead. Dead like Andrew Breitbart.
26
Last October there was a Halloween parade in central Pennsylvania where a guy named Ernie Perce dressed up as Zombie Mohammed, as one does. Talaag Elbayomy, an outraged local Muslim attacked him and Perce reported to incident to police in the area. They then arrested Elbayomy for harassment. This is pretty much what one would expect to happen. It’s sad that Elbayomy reacted in the way he did, but at least justice was served in the end. Right?
