"Totally coup, yo."

Editorial


An open letter to Andrew C. White

Mar

24

by

Daily Kos Diarist (and Democratic Committee Chair) is Seriously Confused

a.white

Dear Andrew C. White,

I don’t know who you are, or why you’re trying to harsh my Congress buzz, but you’re doing it wrong.

Firstly, you give me grief for spelling my campaign website, MurphycanhasCongress.com, incorrectly. You think it should be “can haz”. While many people write it that way, one only need visit icanhascheezburger.com to see that it’s spelled “has”.

Fail, as the kids say.

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A follow-up for Scott Walker

Mar

01

by

HEY, ALL YOU SERIOUS JOURNALIST TYPES! Want to be useful? Here’s a question Scott Walker really needs to answer about Murphy’s astonishing “Koch’d up” conversation with him:

Who?

Surprisingly, Walker has already been asked repeatedly about his admission that “we thought about that” when Murphy suggest planting agents provocateurs among the Wisconsin protesters. Even more surprisingly, Walker has essentially fessed up to considering the idea, and dropping it because it was strategically a loser. While he has made weak statements that it would have been wrong, he made no such protestation to “Koch.” But there’s another aspect here that needs pursuing: In his responses Walker has implicated legislators (presumably Wisconsin Republican legislators) and his own staff in suggesting the wildly illegal tactic. Who are they?

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Murphy didn't mean it, baby

Feb

28

by

An open letter to Mika Brzezinski

Mika-love

Dearest Little Z-Big,
It broke my heart when I didn’t see you on “Morning Joe” last week. I was mortified when Scarborough said you were “horrified” by my “mean call.” Because I love you, baby. And Murphy didn’t mean to objectify your fine ass, which is damn fine. I mean, you’re no Willie Geist, but you got it going on. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even serial plagiarist Mike Barnicle has my back. As he explained, it’s typical for older, male viewers of “Morning Joe” to say something about you like, “Oh yeah…”

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African-American Jim

Jan

06

by

Twain classic whitewashed by PC thug

asdfsafasfa

One of the literary controversies that’s always left me the most befuddled is the reaction to Mark Twain’s portrayal of racism in The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Critics of Twain’s portrayal of racist characters as… well, racist, have for a long time been trying to either censor or water down some of the language used. And now it looks like they have to some extent succeeded. From Reuters:

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BEAST 2.0

Dec

02

by

A brief message from The BEAST IT department

rajneesh

by BEAST Webmaster
Rajneesh Shahi Korma

OK, ma’am, I’m going to ask you to go ahead and reboot your computer at this time. Please hold.

Oh, hello, BEAST readers. I didn’t see you there. I may as well be taking this opportunity—please hold, thank you—to guide you through the known issues with The BEAST—please hold— website redesign. Please hold.

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All About the Green

Sep

05

by

by BEAST Guest Editor
An Anthropomorphized Tree

When I was first approached by Allan Uthman with an offer to guest edit an issue of The BEAST my first thought was, what the heck is that?

He explained a bit about it: in the summer of 2002 an ex-Mongolian basketball pro by the name Taibbi moved from Moscow to Buffalo and started the ultimate, free biweekly with a wily lawyer named Fallon. He soon realized his terrible mistake and got better work.  The fledgling local paper persisted under the incompetent guidance of Fallon and a rogues gallery of semi-literate editors, until this Uthman came along in ’04 and failed to measure up to Taibbi at a slightly higher level.

I was unimpressed, offended. Matt Taibbi has been slaughtering my people for his “journalism” for far too long. No, Rolling Stone has never been friend to the earth. The ego! And despite this BEAST’s move to a monthly, pay format a few years ago, the human standing in my majestic shade has been responsible for the killing of scores of innocent trees, and distributing their pulverized corpses across the country with carbon-emitting automobiles. He is no friend of the earth!

Then this Uthman had the gall to try to impress me with the story that he’s an Iraqi born Kurd, whose father was once Saddam Hussein’s dentist. That’s how he got on Al Franken’s radio show, he said. How am I supposed to take this guy seriously?

“We’re going green,” he choked up, touching one of my knots. “It’s only online now. We’re, um, eliminating our carbon footprint or something.”

I could tell from the hurt in that Kurdish man’s weird-looking eyes that his tears were not brought on at all in the least, never, ever, never, at all by a vain desire to see his byline in print or by the magazine’s financial inviability in the face of both an economic depression and the demise of print media in the internet age.  He wept from remorse. I forgave him and we embraced.

It’s now my honor to call Uthman a friend, and it’s my duty to guest edit this 138th, very special online-only edition of The BEAST.

Now what will this mean for me, the reader, you may be asking? To all fellow travelers here on space ship earth this will mean all the fresh air you can breathe and all the unpolluted water you can drink! To the casual or avid internet reader this will mean you’re a trend setter! As a subscriber to the print edition, this will mean you’re probably not getting your magazine. Sucks to be you.


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A NEW or GENTLY used ECONOMY

Apr

06

by

ELEVEN COMMON SENSE WAYS TO BEAT THE RECESSION

BY IAN MURPHY

We all know the economy has taken a beating.1 But it seems like no one (including the – HA! – “economists”) has the slightest “idea” what to do about “it.”

In fact, from Tim Geithner to Larry Summers, the people in charge of fixing the problem are the very villains who helped make this mess! They’ve had every chance to redeem themselves, but their policies are proving as bankrupt as the US Treasury.

Well, America, it’s high time we grab the bull by the horns (you may want to put on gloves; you don’t know where they’ve been2) and steer the rampaging beast toward the red flag (not code for Communism3) of economic prosperity.

Ingenuity has always been our economic engine.4 And what we need now to overcome this recession is creativity – that can-do American spirit of invention! So here, I offer some new, practical ways to stimulate the economy:

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ONE LUMP OR TWO?

Apr

05

by

Fake Fascism, Phony Populism & False Outrage

BY ALLAN UTHMAN

I’m actually starting to feel sorry for conservatives. They’ve never made much sense, but the trouncing they took in November appears to have driven them completely insane.

I can’t think of a better word to describe people who meet up to protest taxes when taxes have not been raised, or who actually accuse the president who ended torture of being a fascist.

It seems fairly obvious, but if taxes and deficits were the issue, these same people would have been out in the streets for years now. The real issues, the true motives behind these paltry protests, are fairly simple: They lost, and there’s a black guy with a foreign-sounding name in the White House. Does anyone think a bunch of old white people would be out in the street shouting crazy shit about fascism if Hillary Clinton was president? Not a chance. They’d be mad, but not insane.

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Hampton Comes Alive!

Mar

15

by

THE BEAST ENLISTS THE GHOST OF SLAIN BLACK PANTHER LEADER FRED HAMPTON TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE LACK OF A FEBRUARY 2009 ISSUE

Like all y’all, I wanted to know why the hell my February 2009 issue of The Beast had not arrived. I dig that the January issue came out late. I accepted the fact that it takes time to put together such a righteously fine list of loathsome motherfuckers. The 50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2008 was worth waiting for, you know what I mean? Nevertheless, I didn’t expect to be waiting more than four weeks for the next issue to come out. Now they tell me that there ain’t gonna be no February issue and they’re gonna skip right on to March. So, because they’re a bunch of pussies, they asked me to apologize on their behalf and to kind of break down the why of it for y’all.

While I don’t actually have to pay for a subscription up here in heaven, I’ve been told that you motherfuckers that do pay for your subscriptions will still get the ones that are coming to you, that is the number you paid for. As for what’s up with this missing an issue shit it breaks down like this:

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