"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy


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MINDS, BRAINS AND SILLINESS

Apr

06

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A Conversation With Philosophy Giant John Searle

John R. Searle is the Slusser Professor of Philosophy at UC Berkeley and the author of over a dozen books on the philosophy of mind, language and society. He’s been the recipient of the Jean Nicod Prize, the National Humanities Medal, and now, the extremely prestigious BEAST Trophy of Awesomeness.

BEAST: Hi, Professor Searle?

John Searle: Yeah.

BEAST: This is Ian Murphy.

JS: Yeah. OK. I’m going to put you on the speaker phone if that’s OK.

BEAST: Sure.

JS: I have a broken wrist, so it’s easier to do it this way.

BEAST: Oh, I’m sorry. How did you do that?

JS: Oh, I had a fall. It’s the dumbest thing. You know, it’s not even an interesting injury. It’s just boring. The bone was broken in four places, so that was—

BEAST: Sorry to hear that.

JS: It required considerable surgery, but I seem to be mending. Anyway, let’s talk.

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GIVE ME IDIOCY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Apr

06

by

Tea Parties bring out the worst in the worst Americans

BY IAN MURPHY

This was the rabble. And they were being roused.

“I was asleep six months ago,” an angry Laurie Kostrzewski shouts into the mic. “I’m awake now!”

The crowd of roughly two hundred erupts in cheers. Kostrzewski was an organizer of Buffalo’s April 15th Tea Party. For some damn reason, they’ve decided to have another rally this weekend at the wistfully named Club W on Delaware Ave. What happened six months ago? What woke her up? What terrible thunderclap roused this cretin from her political slumber?

“I gotta get a gun now,” one denim and flag wrapped patriot tells me. “I got a friend in California sending me a rifle in three pieces—butt first.” What’s she so scared of? What unthinkable, earth-crumbling, paradigm shift has reaffirmed her 2nd amendment blood lust? Who is she going to shoot? Does she realize she’s dressed like that?

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THE IDIOT MACHINE

Mar

15

by
ANOTHER ABORTIVE ATTEMPT AT ACCOUNTABILITY

BY IAN MURPHY

It came to me in a crystalline vision. Like Tesla, but dimmer. I could see the device functioning flawlessly in my mind’s eye, silhouetted by autumn dusk. Its design was simple, elegant, radio-controlled. The distant controller triggered the motor, turning the winch, winding the string, squeezing the pneumatic garden sprayer handle—and POOP! My invention wouldn’t revolutionize the world as did Tesla’s alternating current, but it would shoot shit at Karl Rove.

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Domo Arigato, Mr. Ten Trillion Robotos!

Mar

15

by
INTERVIEW BY IAN MURPHY

Is Obama better than Jesus? Did Darwinism destroy our economy? Are people more than just meaty robots? If Chris Brown beats Rihanna in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound? Is Christopher Hitchens ever sober? The BEAST’s Ian Murphy asked world-renowned philosopher-genius Dr. Daniel Dennett these questions and more!

BEAST: Recently, Harris Interactive asked 2,600 Americans: “Who do you admire enough to call a hero?” Obama beat out Jesus for number one—

DENNETT: Oh, that’s good.

B: That’s change we can believe in?

D: I think so, yeah. I think that, actually, Jesus makes a fine hero. I’ve always thought that Gandhi was about right there. He says, I like your Jesus, it’s your Christians that I have trouble with. In fact, we had some discussion of forming a group called Atheists for Jesus. Although, I think it’s still problematic. Yeah, I think this is a good sign.

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GOD: STILL DEAD

Oct

10

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Long live PZ Myers!

INTERVIEW BY IAN MURPHY

PZ MYERThe “magnificent P-Zed Myers,” as he’s known by Richard Dawkins, is a fearless heathen. The tagline of his blog Pharyngula reads: “Evolution, development, and random biological ejaculations from a godless liberal.” He’s publicly desecrated the Eucharist and been chastised by the Catholic League’s Bill Donohue, bucked down libel suits, received countless death threats from religious kooks and he can kick God’s old, white ass with nothing but his mind. Myers teaches biology at the University of Minnesota, Morris. We decided to give him a call.

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GROOMING THE BEAST

Sep

10

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Primate Robin Dunbar talks language, politics, and cyborgs

INTERVIEW BY IAN MURPHY

dunbarEvolutionary anthropologist, biologist and psychologist Robin Dunbar is most famous for comparing primate brain mass and troupe size to find the social limits imposed by the human brain. Dunbar’s number (about 150) can be seen limiting the populations of indigenous tribes, army units, corporate offices and other social groups worldwide. Ian Murphy called Dunbar at his office at the Institute of Cognitive and Evolutionary Anthropology at the University of Oxford.

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TERROR ALERT!

Aug

10

by

The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.

BY IAN MURPHY

“I want security, yeah
Without it I had a great loss, oh now
Security, yeah
And I want it at any cost, oh now”

-Otis Redding

July 16, 2008—“Are you guys crazy?” a fisherman screams to us across his bow. His larger, motorized vessel rocks precariously in the Lake Erie chop, fifty yards off our port. The wind is twenty if it’s a knot. The sea, she’s a daft wench this morn’.

“Yarrrrrr, matey!” Jones manages to answer, as a white-capped swell pitches our canoe like a child’s toy. The fiberglass prow hammers the deep trough and he bounces forward. “Yarrrrr!”

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The Wrath of Con

Jun

10

by

khanEvangelical Dirtbag W.V. Grant Scams Tens of Thousands from City’s Poorest, Media Takes Nap

BY IAN MURPHY

“Can I hear ya say hallelujah?”

“Hallelujah!”

“Can I hear ya say debit ‘r credit?”

“Debit ‘r credit!”

“Hallelujah Lord!”

W.V.GrantJune 6, 2008, BUFFALO—Ex-con, con-man “faith healer” Rev. W.V. Grant hard-sells the flock of 150 at the One in Christ Temple. This humid night is his last working a five-week hustle on the city’s east side. Tomorrow, the “Miracle Crusade Revival” pulls up stakes to go bleed another town. As instructed, I hold hands with a Muslim convert from Sierra Leon.

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The BEAST ZINNTERVIEW!

Jun

10

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ZinnDESPITE IAN MURPHY’S IDIOTIC PITCH (“All the cool social activists are doing it. If you do not participate, it will be clear that Noam Chomsky is way cooler than you, and I’ll be forced to get a tattoo illustrating that theme. I’m thinking Noam could be jumping over you on a motorcycle”), the inimitable author and historian Howard Zinn took the time to answer our questions. He’s a cool dude.

Your antiwar position is well known. Why do you hate the troops?

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