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Murphy



Murphy’s Law: “Get out of jail free” edition

Mar

13

by

Murphy-motion-appeal

“Hey, boss! I didn’t get any toilet paper.” The 2:30 – 3:30 lockdown is imminent. And so is potentially explosive mud-butt.

“Hold your horses,” says the guard, bolting through Echo block. “I’ll get you some.”

“Thanks! The booklet says…” I trail off. He’s gone. The booklet also says I should have a pillow. Nope.

“Lockdown!” he shouts. That’s our cue to gtfo of the common area–a little hallway between a long set of bars and our individual cells. The block’s split in half, with 10 or 12 cells on each side. There’s only 3 other dudes in my half.  I welcome the solitude. The two older dudes are chill, but the younger dude thinks he’s hard, or maybe he is hard. He keeps looking me up and down, wearing an indiscernible expression between “let’s fuck” and “let’s fight.” Maybe it’s both. Maybe I’m just hyper-aware of my asshole because I’ve been damning a river of shit for hours. He’s just trying to size me up, in all likelihood. I cut my own hair last night. Hopefully, it gives off that dangerous-mental-patient vibe I was going for. And Judge Joe Brown does the rest.

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The 50 Most Loathsome Americans

Feb

12

by

NOW WITH 90% MORE COPY-EDITING!

50) Aaron Sorkin
Charges: Won’t stop writing like Aaron Sorkin. More Sorkin with each Sorkin. Like that scene in Being John Malkovich, every Sorkin character is a Sorkin-headed Sorkin shrieking, “Sorkin!” in coked-up, Asperger-esque Sorkinese–speed-walking through saccharine, ahistoric morality plays in which triangulation evokes lofty scores, social change is effected solely by limousine liberals, and hackneyed drama is typically measured in rainfall.
Smoking Gun: “The Newsroom.”
Sentence: His fresh cup of Chris Matthews’s spittle secretly replaced with Folgers crystals. Will he Sorkin the Sorkin?!

49) Jim Lehrer
Charges: The PBS Punching Bag, the Denver Dodderer, the Moderating Mute came out of semi-retirement only to spare Obama the title of “most incompetent performance in a debate,” and play Rihanna to Romney’s Chris Brown. The king of NewsHour’s horrendous phony balance coverage, it’s no surprise that his toughest question was meant to determine if the candidates were, in fact, two different people.
Smoking Gun: “…”
Sentence: An eternity of brunches with Charlie Rose.

48) Chris Brown
Charges: Aggravated assault. The Todd Akin of pop stars. Twitter, Halloween, Frank Ocean, something, something. I just can’t bring myself to care about this half-talented jerk.
Smoking Gun: Battered woman neck tattoo.
Sentence: A fatal case of Bieber Fever.

47) Rihanna
Charges: Guuuuuuuuuurl?! Worst role model for girls since Batter-Me-Barbie. Not technically American.
Smoking Gun: See above.
Sentence: Stockholm Syndrome, apparently.

46) Peggy Noonan
Charges: As the Journal‘s postmenopausal Carrie Bradshaw, the full depth of her political analysis is that “America doesn’t date losers.” Tied to Romney big-money advisor Paul Singer (who pushed Ryan onto the ticket) through the Manhattan Institute, her call for a campaign “intervention” was but a brief, self-serving departure from being wrong about everything, always. Terrible writer. Unbearably pretentious.
Smoking Gun: “The GOP still practices primogeniture, but much else has changed in politics.”
Sentence: Chief speechwriter for Clint Eastwood’s Barcalounger.

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Breaking: men want to fuck teenage girls

Oct

21

by

Reddit, perverts, free speech, privacy, toughtcrime, misogytrolling™, and my own personal ignorance all wrapped up in an article that’s way too long for anyone to read…which is probably for the best

 

Let’s start with one of my favorite tunes. “Smut” by Tom Lehrer:

Okay then. Time to make myself a moral pariah. Again.

Interesting exposé by Gawker’s Adrian Chen is interesting. Since you’re on Internet, I presume you’ve read it. But, anyway, it’s about one Michael Brutsch. He lives in Texas. Has Had some shitty job. Just a normal guy who likes to anonymously propagate jack-off pics — up-skirts, ripped Facebook bikini shots, etc. — of unwitting underage girls on the Reddit. He’s also into “Niggerjailbait” and “rapebait” stuff. He’s the Internet’s most prolific peddler of taboo. Well, he used to be, before Chen outed him.

Now we’re left with a truly interesting debate on exploitation, smut, free speech, sexuality, anonymity…heavy ethical shit.

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1st rule of debate club: don’t bring notes to debate club

Oct

05

by

You’re not allowed to bring notes to a debate, but Mitt Romney does what Mitt Romney wants:

And that’s why he’d be an excellent president.

UPDATE: People are saying that it’s a handkerchief, but it looks pretty damn stiff to me, and there’s no definitive proof one way or the other.

<!–more–>

UPDATE-UPDATE: The mystery object in question was, in fact, neither a handkerchief, nor a cheat-sheet; it was Obama’s Kenyan ghost father! We sincerely regret the error.

I’m on the Twitter

 


WaPo Hack Terrorizes Washington!

Sep

29

by

Cillizza, seen here, destroying decency

The Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza has a problem. He’s the type who unironically referred to Bush’s plan to let Wall Street pillage Social Security as “reform.” He now says that Paul Ryan’s mission to replace Medicare with coupons-of-lesser-value is a “plan to reinvigorate” the program. On MSNBC, he said the probably-won’t-be Veep’s now-infamous slew of RNC lies were merely facts “out of context.” All the tragic, familiar signs are there. Hell, even his blog is called The Fix. Like so many poor souls of his lost journalistic generation, Chris Cillizza is addicted to bullshit. 

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I’m not dead & I drew a picture of my cat

Sep

27

by

So I’ve been missing in action. Yeah. Gone. Mentally. Out to brunch. Living under a frock. Head buried in the flan. And other things. Sorry about that. But there was good reason. Well, there were reasons.

I’ve been depressed, dejected, and generally horrified. What can I say? I’m weak. And ashamed about it, too. Paralyzed by nihilism. Probably a little lazy. And the drugs don’t help. They may not hurt, but they do not help. I don’t know, exactly, but I’ve been in an existential funk, haunted by imminent futility—mine, yours, political, journalistic, comedic, artistic, humanistic. Is that a word? I don’t care. That’s a good sign. I think.

But…cat!

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Open Letter to Torture Apologist Sam Harris

Aug

10

by

Harris, seen here, working on his next book

Dear Torture Apologist Sam Harris,

You rarely cease to amaze. For a man who coldly advocates the brutal physical and psychological torture of others, you demonstrate a remarkable level of cowardice when confronted with the slightest written criticism. As if fully incapable of sensing irony, you describe my critique of your pro-torture stance as “poisonous,” and ramble on for over 2,200 words, hiding behind this disingenuous excuse and that, about why you don’t have the time to effectively respond to such “attacks.” Impressive.

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What’s The Mehta With Atheists?

Aug

07

by

Stalin: a great atheist, but a crap skeptic

Last week, I wrote a piece for AlterNet/Salon in which I railed against five prominent atheists (Penn Jillette, Sam Harris, Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Bill Maher, and S.E. Cupp), for their respective irrational beliefs in matters nonreligious. Criticism of my article ranged from absurd AlterNet comments like:

This article is nothing but B.S. spouted by a Christian zealot. It looks like we’re the l;ast nation on earth with missionaries

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