"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy


Gay Brands Are Gay

Jun

26

by

Homosexual Oreos Make Me Puke

It’s happened again. Another trusted American brand has threatened the sanctity of marriage. How dare you, Oreo cookies? And to think that I used to put you in my mouth!

The Supreme Court just upheld Citizens United and smacked down labor fundraising, and they’re likely to end the tyranny of health care on Thursday. It’s bad enough the Obamerment is forcing me to go on man-dates…et tu, Oreos?

This is truly disturbing. No, really. It represents the casual worst of corporate America and its liberal media cheerleaders. Slap a pandering rainbow on your product, or hire a lesbian comedienne as a spokesperson, and the American consuming public collectively agrees that you, like, really give a shit.

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Nick Judd: President of Technology

Jun

19

by

Personal Democracy and Our Brutally Stupid Meatspace

 

So Nick Judd, The One & True President of Technology Whom I’ve Never Heard of Before (PBUH), posted a response to my article about the Personal Democracy Forum last week called “Fake David Koch, #PDF12 and the New Gullibility“. I wasn’t going to respond to his response, but I heard you like critiques of your critiques, so here you go:

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See ALL The Evil!

Jun

14

by

Evil, Kittehs Abound at #PDF12

Evil shaves its head because it’s balding “gracefully.” Evil lacks principles. Evil tweets with a Mac. Evil is competent. Evil is well paid. Evil has a complexion like Edward James Olmos. Evil might even believe some of its own bullshit. Evil sat next to me during a panel on Wisconsin at the Personal Democracy Forum. Evil’s the online media strategist for the Republican Governors Association. Evil is named Matthew Gagnon.

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Murphy’s Law XII

May

31

by

The Verdict

We bump into four of the six jurors in the lobby of the courthouse. “So why’d you do it?” asks Fallon.

“We just couldn’t get over how that one guy was ‘disgusted,’” says the young UB cog sci major.¹ They never considered the NOM rally a “religious service.” They didn’t believe Donna Donovan. They didn’t believe Roland Cercone. They didn’t believe the Mount Olive security guard. And they didn’t believe Swanson. But they did believe Josh Bunting.

“But you don’t know what that guy thought!” Fallon marbled. “Maybe he liked it — he wasn’t here!”

They shrug.

“You know,” I say. “They originally charged me with filming the police — and they changed it, three months later, to obscenity after they found the dildo-phone pic online.”

They shrug.

“And they erased my camera.”

A glimmer of understanding comes over the foreman — a Born Again Skeletor look-a-like — and then he says, “So, you work at CFI, huh? I work near there.” He scowls. Or smiles. There’s literally no way to know.

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Murphy's Law XI

May

31

by

Closing Arguments, Conspiracy Theories, Hot Dogs & Heart Burn

1:00 PM — Fallon and I are sitting on a bench in downtown Buffalo. It’s an incestuous ghost town. There’s not many people on the streets, but they all seem to know each other. Most of them are wearing some bureaucratic lanyard or another. They’re all stakeholders in this repugnant perversion of justice. I eat a hot dog.

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Murphy's Law X

May

30

by

The Case of The Viking, The Post-Op Transsexual, and The Chinese McDonald’s

“May I remind you, Mr. Fallon, that your client is entitled to a speedy trial.”
-Judge Susan M. Eagan

“A ‘speedy trial’ means he was supposed to be entitled to a trial soon after being falsely accused! It doesn’t mean we should rush through this thing like it’s a goddamn Chinese McDonald’s!”
-Attorney Paul Fallon

Susan Eagan is a political appointee who breezed into incumbency. She knows who she works for. And she doesn’t know much else. She’s the former president of a Christian homeschooling association, for example. Before the jury comes out, she brings the lawyers back to her chambers to scold Fallon for rolling his eyes at her. That was his highly disciplined response to being told not to question witnesses so thoroughly.

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Murphy's Law IX

May

25

by

May His Noodly Appendage Land You in Jail (and other tragedies)

PREFACE: The following was written after midnight on Wednesday May 23, but I failed to post it…it gets a little crazy and spiteful, as you’ll see. Then I fell a few days behind in reporting the latest news because of family obligations. While I already know the ultimate outcome, I’m going to post this, and the final two installments of “Murphy’s Law” in chronological order. Due to no one giving a shit (thanks for coming to support me in court, assholes), I have a monopoly on this news, so deal with it. And if you do know the verdict, as a few of you out there do, I’d please ask you to refrain from mentioning it on social media or in the comments. Sorry, but I want people to read these essays, you know? Thanks.

***

WEDNESDAY, MAY 23, 2012, THE YEAR OF OUR LORD — So Judge Eagan says that if I’m sworn in over a can of spaghetti I’ll go to jail for contempt of court. Only real fake religions are allowed. That’s the bad news. The good news is that…there’s no good news.

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Murphy's Law VIII

May

21

by

Cop lies under oath, though says she arrested me for legal activities, and claims she thought our camera might have been a gun. Seriously. A gun!

“The straw that broke the camel’s back was that he called us ‘assholes.’”
-Arresting officer Donna Donovan

“Is that illegal?”
-My lawyer, Paul Fallon

“No.”
-Donovan

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