"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy


Murphy's Law VI

May

14

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BEAST Editor’s Trial Begins Wednesday, May 16th

The first thing I’m going to do in jail is break a dude’s face. Just wreck it. Savage dentistry. Picasso nose. Blood fountain. According to MSNBC’s horrific weekend programming, that’s what I need to do to gain respect. And it probably won’t hurt to constantly mumble to myself about wanting to “get my knife wet.” But prison won’t be all bad. Right? Many fine books have been written in the clink. Maybe I’ll finally quit smoking and get in shape. Or maybe I’ll get shived from behind and bleed out on the shower floor.

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VOTE REPUBLICAN!

Apr

12

by

Fake David Koch Endorses Real Republican in Wisconsin Governor Race

“I am a Republican, a black, dyed in the wool Republican, and I never intend to belong to any other party than the party of freedom and progress.”
-Frederick Douglass

Frederick Douglass would not recognize today’s Grand Old Party. The forward-thinking likes of Lincoln and La Follette have been usurped by backward psychopaths like Paul Ryan, Scott Walker, and [insert Republican here]. And if reanimated in the modern era, Zombie-Douglass would fight like hell to bring the Republican Party back to its progressive roots.

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The Feminazis Strike Back

Mar

10

by

Or Gloria Allred is a fascist moron

Just when you think the “professional left” got a hold of something they couldn’t possibly fuck up — that is, Rush Limbaugh doing, saying, imparting, intimating anything whatsoever — they do. Hard.

While this is not the case, overall, notorious “feminist” lawyer Gloria Allred has decided to do something incredibly stupid. She’s trying to get Rush Limbaugh prosecuted under an arcane Florida statute for calling Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute.”

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Green Party to ditch alt-med idiocy?

Mar

07

by

National Committee to vote on platform change

So a while back, my buddy Rebecca Watson was out in San Francisco doing her skeptical thang, and she bumped into a guy called Jesse Townley. He runs Alternative Tentacles Records, which is owned by Jello Biafra. And, though it’s slightly less awesome, he’s also an elected Green on Berkeley’s Rent Stabilization Board. So Watson mentioned me.

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Pig Journalism

Mar

05

by

My encounters with Andrew Breitbart, and why his death is both incredibly hilarious and a little sad

When I heard that talking colostomy bag Andrew Breitbart had died, I lol’d until I cried. I don’t need to explain why the image of him clutching his chest, lifelessly keeling over, and smashing his dumb face into the sidewalk is funny. But my tears of joy unexpectedly turned into tears of sadness. And that requires some explanation.

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Koch Whore, a year later

Feb

23

by

Reflections, ruminations, and several lengthy digressions

So it’s been a year since I pranked Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker posing as tea party sugar daddy David Koch. At the time, Koch told the New York Times, “I didn’t even know [Walker's] name before this brouhaha erupted.” That seemed improbable. Recently, Koch told the Palm Beach Post, “What Scott Walker is doing with the public unions in Wisconsin is critically important. He’s an impressive guy and he’s very courageous.” He also told the reporter, “We’ve spent a lot of money in Wisconsin. We’re going to spend more.” That’s more like it.

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J.C. Penney Winter Hypocrisy Sale!

Feb

13

by

Sweatshop retailer hires lesbian, donates thousands to homophobic politicians

According to my Facebook & Twitter feeds, I’m supposed to be inspired that J.C. Penney is forward-thinking enough to have an openly gay spokesperson in Ellen DeGeneres. It is kind of cool that the company didn’t capitulate to the puritanical zealots calling for her dismissal. And it wasn’t just a savvy business move to retain the popular talk show host and trendsetter, says J.C. Penney CEO Ron Johnson, “because she shares the same values that we do in our company.” 

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When Birchers Attack!

Jan

17

by

What took them so long?

I really should be working on our annual 50 Most Loathsome Americans list (it’s pretty late, I’m aware), or preparing for court later (I was arrested for filming a cop) or at least shaving…or ironing my sport coat…or showering, but the National Review posted a hit piece on me yesterday, so I’m going take a few minutes this morning to respond. These are minutes I could use appreciating the fleeting natural wonder that is life. Instead, I’m going to waste them entirely, rooting through the shit-end of Wisconsin politics.

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Recalling Walker

Jan

16

by

Nearly a million Wisconsinites sign recall petition, I shake some of their hands

[UPDATE 1/17/12: 1.1 million recall signatures turned in.]

So Santa Claus Steve flew me out to Wisconsin. He thought I should do a little tour and pump up petitioners during the last leg of the recall effort. And who am I to argue with Santa Claus Steve? People like me here. OK, most people like me here. In Milwaukee there were two women collecting recall signatures right in the airport. Santa Claus Steve introduced me as David Koch. I tried to make him stop doing that, but he wouldn’t.

The Capitol rotunda during the daily noon singalong

The recall petitions get turned in to Madison and officially tallied on January 17th (unfortunately, I have to be in Buffalo to fight for the Freedom of the Press – the WordPress, but still). I’m not privy to any official recall numbers, but between you and me, Wisconsin absolutely crushed this thing. 540,000 signatures are needed to trigger a recall election; I’d be surprised if the final number weren’t more in the 1 million neighborhood — each for Walker and Lieutenant Governor Rebecca Kleefisch. 

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