"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy



God Damn America

Sep

27

by

Thoughts on Troy Davis and American Morality

This post was originally published at Crooks & Liars.

“I will always err on the side of life.”
Rick Perry, signed off on 234 executions

Dearest Web Log,
This virtual space has, so far, been dedicated to my slapstick encounter with the American police state. But with the execution of Troy Davis, a few false charges and a potential year in jail seems like such a white thing to complain about. Like my socks and sandals don’t match my cargo shorts or something.

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Hey, hey, hey! It's a 9/11 Rerun!

Sep

05

by

The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Glenn Greenwald’s recent post about the insane military & homeland “security” spending since 9/11, called The Decade’s Biggest Scam, reminded me of a similar point I made a few years ago — by illegally canoeing from Buffalo, NY to Ft. Erie, Canada to test border security. The point was that these expenditures aren’t meant to keep us safe from terrorists. That threat is incredibly overblown. The point of it is for defense & security contractors to get paid. Big time.

Sorry for the rerun, BEAST fiends, but some of our new, post-Walker prank readers may have missed it. And, you know, I don’t feel like canoeing across the Niagara river again. The following report was originally published in the August, 2008 print edition of The BEAST.

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Smell no Evil

Aug

24

by

Lefties hone nose-holding in run-up to 2012

“It is better to vote for what you want and not get it than to vote for what you don’t want and get it.”
-Eugene Debs

“Oh, this guy’s quoting Eugene Debs; his opinion doesn’t matter.”
-Jay Carney

“Who is Eugene Debs?”
-You

There’s a pernicious meme going round these here internet tubes.

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Murphy's Law III

Aug

14

by

Mysterious “Cheap Throat” leaks sensitive police document to BEAST

THINGS ARE WEIRD. I was arrested for filming a cop. They confiscated the camera, erased the footage, and charged me with disorderly conduct, disruption of a religious service and some other bullshit. The complainant listed on the officially police report is “Sony”. Its race is unknown. And it lives at police headquarters, according to the report.

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Murphy's Law 2.5

Aug

10

by
I had many questions going into yesterday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference?
I’ll try not to waste too much of the good reader’s time here because, like all my friends who said they’d come, my arresting officer didn’t bother to show up and the proceeding was postponed until August 25th. More accurately, I don’t really have any friends. And Officer Donna Donovan was too stupid to find the right courtroom.
After Fallon dealt with my case, he tended to another client in a room across the hall, which is where we found Donovan wandering around, picking her ruminant nose and looking generally befuddled. She attempted to show Fallon an email an her phone, which proved that she’d been deceived into standing in the wrong room, for an entire hour. No matter that is was the wrong judge. And she wasn’t on the list. Buffalo Police cannot be expected to absorb every little detail of their surroundings.
After Fallon approached her about her “error,” she nonetheless went across the hall—eschewing any eye contact with me—to get her bit of paper signed. Cops get four hours on the clock, at time-and-a-half, for every court appearance. Just because she was too incompetent to make that appearance doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get paid.
So it was a big waste of time. Geoff Kelly, editor of the local alt-weekly Artvoice, showed up to report on my case. And I suspect there’ll be more media interest once we publish the mostly-recovered video. In a previous post, I speculated we’d have that done in a 48-hour period. That was a week ago. My bad. As it turns out, recovering deleted camera footage is a pain in the ass.
So far everything’s been recovered save for one crucial piece of footage. For reasons I don’t understand, the first half of my arrest

The pre-pretrial conference

[Read the first & second part of this ongoing saga]

I had questions going into Monday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference?

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Manufactured National Nightmare Comes to End

Aug

01

by

Moderate right-wing and extreme right-wing lawmakers reach historic compromise on thing that shouldn’t exist

Contrary to popular opinion, the debt-ceiling does not limit the amount the US government can borrow, it’s actually an arbitrarily set repayment cap on debts already incurred. Let that sink in for a second.

Nowhere but in our inept government would such a thing exist. In fact, it’s such a stupid idea that only one other country in the world has a debt-ceiling (Denmark) and they keep it artificially high, so they’ll never have to face the manufactured crisis we’ve just experienced, nor would their most malfeasant legislators ever have the opportunity to hijack Denmark’s economy.

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Murphy's Law II

Jul

31

by

The weird and weak legal case against me, the worst daily paper in Buffalo, destruction of evidence by police, and the brutal irony of the American Surveillance State.

[UPDATE: My estimate below of 48-hours to recover the lost footage was wildly optimistic. The program's been running since 7/29, and it's processed 953 files out of 1049 total as of 8/2. Sorry for jumping the gun.-IM]

AS I TYPE THESE WORDS, The BEAST’s pro-bono by contract scientists, previously employed by the Army Security Agency (ASA) and the Intelligence and Security Command (INSCOM), are utilizing advanced forensic data techniques to recover our camera footage which was so ineptly and illegally erased by the Buffalo Police Department.

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Rage Face(book)

Jul

29

by

BEAST banned by fascist social network

[UPDATE: We're allowed to post BEAST links on Facebook again because you, dear readers, complained so very much. Thank you!]

You can share some pretty great things on Facebook–family photos, your moods and activities, your affinity for eating shit in a sexual context, and your Holocaust denial. You can even share awesome websites with your closest Aryan brothers just by pasting the url into your status update! We live in a truly open virtual society where all points of view, no matter how dumb or morally repugnant, are freely expressed. Heil Facebook!

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