"Totally coup, yo."

Murphy


Murphy's Law

Jul

27

by

The true story of how I shot a cop and went to jail (and something about a dildo)

“They got me on some straight-up bullshit, son!” exclaimed the kid sitting next to me in the bullpen at the Erie County Holding Center. “What they get you on?”

“I shot a cop,” I growled, shooting him an icy stare. “And I’d do it again.”

“Son?!” His face froze in delighted dismay. “Real? That nigga dead?!”

“I really doubt it.”

“Jablaow!” he mimicked a gunshot, aiming his hand at the mucus-encrusted, blood-smeared brick wall. “What’d you use–a nine, forty-five…”

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Nuke the Debt

Jul

18

by

Fight the debt abroad, so we don’t have to fight it at home

It’s funny. Replace two little words in the above subtitle and you have an acceptable American trope. It’s a ridiculous one, of course, but if we had a nickle every time a Republican said, “We must fight the terrorists abroad, so we don’t have to fight them at home,” we wouldn’t have a national debt. And we certainly wouldn’t be having this dishonest “debate” about whether we should default. (We won’t, btw, this is a cheap Republican bargaining ploy.)

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Evil Twin City

Jun

20

by

Murphy buys O’Keefe dinner with ‘crack pipe’ money

“Make your enemy live up to their own book of rules.”
-Saul Alinsky

okeefe-me-beast

“Hey, Andrew, what’s up?”

“Just going for a walk.”

“Oh. Me too.”

That was the brief exchange I had with Andrew Breitbart, as we strode past each other on a Minneapolis sidewalk. It was a humid day. We both looked like sweaty hobos. But we had different missions. His was to “crash” Netroots Nation, the annual meetup of internet progressive types organized by Daily Kos peeps. Mine was to attend RightOnline, the Americans For Prosperity-funded conservative answer to internet organizing and citizen journalism, which sets up shop down the road from Netroots every year like some creepy stalker.

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Ayn Rand vs. The Jesus

Jun

09

by

“Progressive” religious group frames fight against Paul Ryan budget around Ayn Rand’s atheism

It’s the Melee for America’s Morons!

The Duel of the Demagogues!

An Altercation of Alliteration!

rand-v-jesus

Tonight’s fight is authorized by the Nevada Framing Commission, promoted by the American Values Network, and brought to you by Jesus and Jesus Lite. Jesus and Jesus Lite: The King of Jews!™

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BEASTcast 10: Bunting/Murphy

May

30

by

BEASTcast episode 10: Bunting/Murphy (mp3)

In this Very Special BEASTcast, I talk to BEAST editor-in-chief Ian Murphy about his recent run for Congress to represent the 26th District of New York. We all know that it is illegal to make fun of thin-skinned local television personalities, but is it still illegal when an editor of a satirical website does it? Did Murphy break into his opponent’s phone bank in order to obtain incriminating evidence? And what’s up with escalating the war in Indochina to Cambodia and Laos? These questions and many more will be answered.

Music is by Pigface and is used with permission.

You can subscribe to the BEASTcast by using this link in iTunes or any other podcast subscription software.


COLD CALL

May

23

by

Volunteering at the Corwin Phone Bank

cold-call

AMHERST–It was like any other day after the apocalypse. “This is the Sabbath!” an older woman shouts in my ear. “It’s supposed to be a day of rest!”

“I know, ma’am,” I say. “But–

“But nothing!” she yells. “I can’t believe you people are calling me again!”

“But there’s a very important election coming up this Tuesday and if you don’t vote for Jane Corwin horrible  things will happen to you and the people you love…she was a successful business fetus…hello?”

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Trail of Tears

May

18

by

PBS violates my First Amendment Rights, mocks our Constitution

What rot. NBC wouldn’t let me into their “debate,” but they’re a private sector company and, therefor, can legally exclude any candidate they want on the flimsiest of pretexts–like one of the candidates hurt their feelings. But now the PBS station out of Rochester WXXI won’t let me into their debate. In fact, I “did not meet WXXI’s debate inclusion guidelines and was not invited to participate.”

wxxi-censored

I’ve been trying to find out all day what these guidelines are, but the people at WXXI won’t talk to me. They actually hung up on me several times before letting me leave a message. Maybe I’m not tall enough. Or rich enough. But a good guess is that the “guidelines” are either an arbitrary minimum number in the polls, or just complete bullshit. Either way, it’s complete bullshit. Not only is it a huge pile of steaming bullshit, it’s a violation of the Constitution of these here United States. Call the motherfucking TEA Party. Oh, right, republicans only pretend to give a shit about the Constitution.

PBS is partially funded by the government, and the government cannot legally silence a candidate who is on the ballot. It’s state censorship.

In ’98 the Supreme Court ruled “that a state-owned television station may exclude political candidates from a televised debate as long as the exclusion is reasonable and not based upon the speaker’s viewpoint.” Firstly, who is to decide what is “reasonable”? If I were in charge of PBS, I may want to exclude Jane Corwin because she’s a terrible liar who represents the very worst of humanity. That is reasonable to me. I may be tempted to exclude Jack Davis because he might just start riffing on why he hates the blacks. That seems like a reasonable fear. I may exclude Kathy Hochul because her deeply forced cringe would scare any children watching. Will no one think of the children?

Secondly, what would be a reasonable exclusion if it’s “not based upon the speaker’s viewpoint”? The speaker’s viewpoint seems like the only reasonable thing you could use to exclude someone from a debate. Age, race, sex, income level, etc. certainly isn’t a “reasonable” basis to exclude a candidate from taking part in a debate. So what else is left? The poll numbers? Really? That’s your reasonable exclusionary policy, WXXI? It would really help if they’d just answer the goddamn phone.

Well, what is a candidate’s poll number based on? Voter perception based on age, race, sex, physical attractiveness, height, wealth/advertising power and political viewpoints. None of these things could be used to legally exclude that candidate from participating in a debate, so how could one’s poll number be used to justify exclusion?

UPDATE: Someone from WXXI called me a few hours ago to explain their guidelines. His name was Chip, Chaz, or Cuntface. I don’t remember. It turns out that their “reasonable” exclusion policy is based on poll numbers, among other things. Hilariously, he told me one of the guidelines was that I haven’t gotten enough media attention…to get media attention. OK! CBS, HuffPo, Salon, The Young Turks, New York Magazine–just to name a few–do not count as media outlets. You get that, people who work at these places? You are not in the media. You are janitors or something.

I asked Chip or Chaz or Cuntface if he’s had a change of heart. He said no. I asked if he felt like a big ‘ol dickhead. He thought about it for a second then said no and hung up.

Anyway, I’m going to eat a bagel before this place in Rochester kicks me out for stealing their Wi-Fi.

________________


BEASTcast: Anonymous Cobra Commander Barrett Brown

May

05

by

BrownBarrett Brown calls himself the Cobra Commander for Anonymous. Others have called him the hacktivist group’s unofficial spokesperson. Some have called him a strategist in asymetrical digital warfare. Some people call him fag.

Can Anonymous have a spokesperson? What’s up with the U.S. military using fake online personas to spread propaganda? And what about AI auto-personas? Will the future war for public opinion be waged by sophisticated corporate algorithm trolls?

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