"Totally coup, yo."

News


Comments Off

Know Your Vandersloots!

Feb

20

by

Frank VanderSloot is an Idaho billionaire, a national finance co-chair of Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign, and a major contributor to the pro-Romney Super PAC, Restore Our Future.


Joran Van der Sloot
is a sociopath, Dutch citizen, and former Aruba resident who was the main suspect in the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.


Frank VanderSloot is the Chairman & CEO of Melaleuca, Inc., a creepy pyramid scheme which offers home cleaning products, dietary supplements, mortgage readjustments, and even debt relief services — which you probably need if you’re pyramid selling.


Joran Van der Sloot pled guilty in Peru to the robbery and murder of Stephany Tatiana Flores Ramírez, who he killed 5 years to the day after Holloway went missing.


Frank VanderSloot is a devout Mormon who ostensibly believes that God is a magical flesh-and-blood man who lives on the planet Kolob, and that if he’s good on earth, he will become a similar God in the afterlife.


Joran Van der Sloot was caught on undercover video by the Dutch media admitting to have witnessed Halloway’s death.


Frank VanderSloot is virulently anti-gay, and his beard “wife” donated $100,000 to help promote California’s unconstitutional same-sex marriage ban Proposition 8.

 

Joran Van der Sloot attended the International School of Aruba, where he was an honors student, and considered to be a soccer and tennis star.

 

Frank VanderSloot is an overly litigiousness jerk who often threatens news outlets and blogs when they report about what an overly litigiousness jerk he is.

 

Joran Van der Sloot reportedly receives fan mail, marriage proposals, and sexually explicit offers from moronic women all over the world.

 

Frank VanderSloot‘s Melaleuca, Inc., was  warned by the FDA to stop pyramid-selling unapproved drugs and making unproven claims about their health benefits.

 

Joran Van der Sloot was ordered to pay the Flores family $75,000; he is currently serving a 28 year term in prison.

 

_______________________________

H/T to Glenn Greenwald & Nancy Grace

_____________________________


 


J.C. Penney offers hilarious response to "The Daily BEAST"

Feb

16

by

Sweatshop retailer funds anti-gay and pro-gay politicians, so it’s all good, says spokesperson

 

A few days ago The BEAST broke the story that J.C. Penney, despite a very public claim to “share values” with their openly gay spokesperson Ellen DeGeneres, contributes to anti-gay politicians through its PAC. Well, in response to a media inquiry, the folks over at J.C. Penney have offered us this bizarre statement:

Continue Reading



Koch Whores Attack!

Jan

18

by

Wisconsinites turn in 1.1 million signatures to recall Walker, Andrew Breitbart goes after The BEAST

My life is funny. By day — or whenever I wake up — I’m a mild mannered blogger. But by night — or whenever I get around to it — I’m engaged in an epic battle against evil billionaires, corrupt politicians and their craven media lapdogs, for the very soul of America. It sounds crazy. But that’s my life. It’s actually a lot of peoples’ lives these days. The sleeping giant is now awake and in the streets. 

Continue Reading


Recalling Walker

Jan

16

by

Nearly a million Wisconsinites sign recall petition, I shake some of their hands

[UPDATE 1/17/12: 1.1 million recall signatures turned in.]

So Santa Claus Steve flew me out to Wisconsin. He thought I should do a little tour and pump up petitioners during the last leg of the recall effort. And who am I to argue with Santa Claus Steve? People like me here. OK, most people like me here. In Milwaukee there were two women collecting recall signatures right in the airport. Santa Claus Steve introduced me as David Koch. I tried to make him stop doing that, but he wouldn’t.

The Capitol rotunda during the daily noon singalong

The recall petitions get turned in to Madison and officially tallied on January 17th (unfortunately, I have to be in Buffalo to fight for the Freedom of the Press – the WordPress, but still). I’m not privy to any official recall numbers, but between you and me, Wisconsin absolutely crushed this thing. 540,000 signatures are needed to trigger a recall election; I’d be surprised if the final number weren’t more in the 1 million neighborhood — each for Walker and Lieutenant Governor Rebecca Kleefisch. 

Continue Reading


Murphy's Law 5

Jan

13

by

The “I Can’t Believe This is Going to Trial” Edition

UPDATE, January 17th 11am: The City Hall security camera footage finally provided by the DA’s office conveniently will not play. While my lawyer and the DA talk to the company that owns the proprietary video software to figure it out, my trial has been postponed until May — with a hearing about the camera footage set for Feb 2. Seeing how the Buffalo Police Department erased my exonerating camera footage, I’d be incredibly surprised if the cameras under their control weren’t mysterious “broken” on the day in question. But we’ll see.

For those of you who’re unfamiliar with the ridiculous legal case against me, you can read Murphy’s Law parts 1, 2, 2.5, 3, 3.5, and 4. Or if you hate lengthy first-person accounts, you can read this succinct report at Raw Story. But, basically, I got arrested for filming a cop while covering a National Organization for Marriage “We Hate teh Gay” rally in Buffalo, New York. And, no, filming cops is not illegal in New York, so they fabricated a bunch of charges to justify my arrest. And then they erased my camera to cover their asses.

Anyway, before I go to court on January 17th, a little update seemed in order…

Continue Reading


This Week In Crackpottery #1: Witch Hunts, Psychics, AGW Deniers, & Hindu Nationalists

Jan

06

by

So I had originally thought of calling this regular column This Week In Fucked Up Religious Shit, but a few problems came to mind. For one thing, there are lots of non-religious infuriating, hilarious, or otherwise crazy shit I would have to ignore: psychics, alternative medicine, fringe politics, conspiracy theories, North Korea, and a lot more. Also, I’d eventually collide with the problem of trying to delineate between what does and does not qualify as a religion, which can be tricky at times. I’d rather leave that problem to the IRS.

Continue Reading


Frank Luntz's Top Ten Tips For Institutions Facing Sexual Abuse Scandals

Dec

06

by

SYRACUSE, NY — The National Collegiate Athletic Association met this weekend in New York to give college sports faculty and coaches a chance to coordinate, strategize, and molest young boys. But during a session on Saturday, one question kept coming up: How can they do a better job of talking to the public about how they routinely molest young boys?

The BEAST sat in on the session, and counted 10 do’s and don’ts from Luntz covering how college sports should fight back.

Continue Reading


More Than Newts The Eye

Nov

21

by

Newt Gingrich talks to “Michael Bay,” eagerly agrees to star in Transformers 4, defend Decepticons from EPA regulations

        ***     YES, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED!    ***          

A FEW MONTHS AGO, some anonymous BEAST reader forwarded me an email exchange he’d had with former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. He came across the presidential hopeful’s address buried deep in the Sarah Palin email dump and, inspired by my Walker jape, he decided to pose as Donald Trump and propose the two team up on a third-party ticket. Newt was surprisingly receptive, and passed along his cell number, so they could hammer out the details. Well, at this point, our anonymous source got a case of cold feet, and decided to call in a professional. And when he couldn’t find one, he contacted me.

Continue Reading


Gangsta Crap

Nov

10

by

Pigs drop beats @ #OccupyBerkeley

You know what’s terrifying? Asian women! Did you know that sometimes they can grow up to 5 feet tall, and weigh nearly 100 lbs? And sometimes they’ll just stand there. When they do that, you know they’re plotting your murder. Now that you have those facts, rewatch the above clip, and tell me you wouldn’t have done the same thing. TELL ME! OR I’LL SMASH YOU IN THE FUCKING STOMACH, YOU GODDAMN LIBERAL PUKE!

Sorry. I joke to hide the pain. Call me old fashioned, but it hurts watching defenseless people take a pretty serious beating. It hurts watching it happen in my country. There was absolutely no provocation there. Cops, in this case and many others we’ve seen during the Occupations, are just motherfuckers. Pure, deep-down motherfuckers.

I gotta give it to those kids. For real. It takes a lot of will power not to attack someone who is beating you with a club. The crowd could have easily swarmed those pigs, pinned them down, and gnawed at their goddamn throats until they all bled out onto the lawn like the worthless fucking shits they are. I guess it’s a good thing that that didn’t happen. Right?


  • Archives