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Murphy's Law 2.5

Aug

10

by
I had many questions going into yesterday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference?
I’ll try not to waste too much of the good reader’s time here because, like all my friends who said they’d come, my arresting officer didn’t bother to show up and the proceeding was postponed until August 25th. More accurately, I don’t really have any friends. And Officer Donna Donovan was too stupid to find the right courtroom.
After Fallon dealt with my case, he tended to another client in a room across the hall, which is where we found Donovan wandering around, picking her ruminant nose and looking generally befuddled. She attempted to show Fallon an email an her phone, which proved that she’d been deceived into standing in the wrong room, for an entire hour. No matter that is was the wrong judge. And she wasn’t on the list. Buffalo Police cannot be expected to absorb every little detail of their surroundings.
After Fallon approached her about her “error,” she nonetheless went across the hall—eschewing any eye contact with me—to get her bit of paper signed. Cops get four hours on the clock, at time-and-a-half, for every court appearance. Just because she was too incompetent to make that appearance doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get paid.
So it was a big waste of time. Geoff Kelly, editor of the local alt-weekly Artvoice, showed up to report on my case. And I suspect there’ll be more media interest once we publish the mostly-recovered video. In a previous post, I speculated we’d have that done in a 48-hour period. That was a week ago. My bad. As it turns out, recovering deleted camera footage is a pain in the ass.
So far everything’s been recovered save for one crucial piece of footage. For reasons I don’t understand, the first half of my arrest

The pre-pretrial conference

[Read the first & second part of this ongoing saga]

I had questions going into Monday’s pretrial conference: What are my odds of going to jail? How long is this bullshit going to take? Should I have shaved? Are they going to tattoo my alleged crime onto my back until I bleed to death? And what the hell is a pretrial conference?

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Melissa Harris-Perry would like more irrationality, please

Aug

03

by

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.”
-Voltaire

Melissa Harris-Perry, seen here being incredibly full of shit.

I like Rachel Maddow’s show. It’s one of the few I can stand on MSNBC. Sure, she slips into the “Defend the President and Party At All Costs” mode from time to time, but it’s nowhere near as egregious as some of her fellow hosts on the network. Also, her head is not a ginormous wonder to all surviving phrenologists, which is another plus.

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Atheist Group Sues Telephone Pole

Aug

02

by

“Looks like a cross,” say some

ROCHESTER, NY–The secular advocacy group North American Atheists has filed suit against a telephone pole on the grounds that it “violates the separation of church and state.” NAA President David Goldman says, “It looks a Christian cross and it’s on government property. Case closed.”

When asked why the atheist group decided to sue the pole itself rather than the telephone company or the state, he replied, “Grrrr! It will pay!”

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Murphy's Law II

Jul

31

by

The weird and weak legal case against me, the worst daily paper in Buffalo, destruction of evidence by police, and the brutal irony of the American Surveillance State.

[UPDATE: My estimate below of 48-hours to recover the lost footage was wildly optimistic. The program's been running since 7/29, and it's processed 953 files out of 1049 total as of 8/2. Sorry for jumping the gun.-IM]

AS I TYPE THESE WORDS, The BEAST’s pro-bono by contract scientists, previously employed by the Army Security Agency (ASA) and the Intelligence and Security Command (INSCOM), are utilizing advanced forensic data techniques to recover our camera footage which was so ineptly and illegally erased by the Buffalo Police Department.

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Kurt Vonnegut vs. the Bible

Jul

29

by

“Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones.”
-Psalms 137:9

The high school board of education for the city of Republic, Missouri last week voted unanimously (4-0) to ban Kurt Vonnegut’s classic antiwar novel Slaughterhouse-Five from the school’s library. The board was responding to public complaints by one Wesley Scroggins, who was outraged that the city would use his tax dollars to store books which teach “principles contrary to the Bible” for children to read.

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Murphy's Law

Jul

27

by

The true story of how I shot a cop and went to jail (and something about a dildo)

“They got me on some straight-up bullshit, son!” exclaimed the kid sitting next to me in the bullpen at the Erie County Holding Center. “What they get you on?”

“I shot a cop,” I growled, shooting him an icy stare. “And I’d do it again.”

“Son?!” His face froze in delighted dismay. “Real? That nigga dead?!”

“I really doubt it.”

“Jablaow!” he mimicked a gunshot, aiming his hand at the mucus-encrusted, blood-smeared brick wall. “What’d you use–a nine, forty-five…”

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Nuke the Debt

Jul

18

by

Fight the debt abroad, so we don’t have to fight it at home

It’s funny. Replace two little words in the above subtitle and you have an acceptable American trope. It’s a ridiculous one, of course, but if we had a nickle every time a Republican said, “We must fight the terrorists abroad, so we don’t have to fight them at home,” we wouldn’t have a national debt. And we certainly wouldn’t be having this dishonest “debate” about whether we should default. (We won’t, btw, this is a cheap Republican bargaining ploy.)

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