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Evil Twin City

Jun

20

by

Murphy buys O’Keefe dinner with ‘crack pipe’ money

“Make your enemy live up to their own book of rules.”
-Saul Alinsky

okeefe-me-beast

“Hey, Andrew, what’s up?”

“Just going for a walk.”

“Oh. Me too.”

That was the brief exchange I had with Andrew Breitbart, as we strode past each other on a Minneapolis sidewalk. It was a humid day. We both looked like sweaty hobos. But we had different missions. His was to “crash” Netroots Nation, the annual meetup of internet progressive types organized by Daily Kos peeps. Mine was to attend RightOnline, the Americans For Prosperity-funded conservative answer to internet organizing and citizen journalism, which sets up shop down the road from Netroots every year like some creepy stalker.

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Jews News!

Jun

15

by

Glennifer Beck is going to have one of his right-wing parties in Jerusalem soon to find out how many ways people can mis-spell angry slogans in Hebrew. So fans of his who happen to be Jewish are now trying out some subtle viral marketing techniques to help raise awareness of just how dumb and fanatical people can get to defend even one of the non-mainstream hipster religions. Anyway, here are some true facts I found from Stormfront dot org.

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Rick Perry and Bryan Fischer will pray five times facing Mecca on August 6, Insha'Allah

Jun

14

by

You’ve probably heard that Texas Governor/Imam Rick Perry has called for a day of prayer n’ fasting in order to call on his favorite deity, Jehovah 1, to reverse the disastrous course of President pro Tempore Barackhmed Husaini al-Nobamacare IV, Esq. He has also invited all foreign, non-Texan Governors to hang out with him for the day and talk about how awesome the sea Goddess Sedna is and maybe have a barbecue because the odors are pleasing to the Lord. But unfortunately only Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has RSVP’d so far.

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Ayn Rand vs. The Jesus

Jun

09

by

“Progressive” religious group frames fight against Paul Ryan budget around Ayn Rand’s atheism

It’s the Melee for America’s Morons!

The Duel of the Demagogues!

An Altercation of Alliteration!

rand-v-jesus

Tonight’s fight is authorized by the Nevada Framing Commission, promoted by the American Values Network, and brought to you by Jesus and Jesus Lite. Jesus and Jesus Lite: The King of Jews!™

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COLD CALL

May

23

by

Volunteering at the Corwin Phone Bank

cold-call

AMHERST–It was like any other day after the apocalypse. “This is the Sabbath!” an older woman shouts in my ear. “It’s supposed to be a day of rest!”

“I know, ma’am,” I say. “But–

“But nothing!” she yells. “I can’t believe you people are calling me again!”

“But there’s a very important election coming up this Tuesday and if you don’t vote for Jane Corwin horrible  things will happen to you and the people you love…she was a successful business fetus…hello?”

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The Great Osama Death Clichédown

May

06

by

clichedown

There was this dude named Osama bin Laden who got capped the other day. I don’t know, maybe you heard about it; it was sort of a big deal. Everyone in The News is talking about it – writers, anchors, bloggers, and all your social media buddies. But despite the event’s big-dealie-ness, there’s only so many ways to reword the phrase “Bad Guy Got Capped.” And in order to provide footing for those trekking warily through the Inundated Mediascape, we’ve run the most common Osama Death related clichés through the Beast’s Patented Hacknometer (patent pending).

hacknometer

THE ERA EPITAPH

The death of bin Laden is typically treated like a function – a play in three convenient acts: Sept. 11, 2001 > Patriot Act America > Osama Gets Capped. Though there might be some relevance to this narrative, it dangerously shifts discourse away from the decades and decades of Cause and Effect that precipitated in our current State of Terror.

What the commentator is trying to say: The death of Osama bin Laden changes things.

What the commentator is actually saying: I want to take credit for summarily defining an issue so hopelessly convoluted and complex that no one could actually ever wrap their head all the way around it.

Example: “For many young adults living in Western New York, their understanding of the modern world is now bookended by the 9/11 attacks and this week’s killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden” – Mark Popiolkowski, The Buffalo News

Hacknometer reading: “Too Easy”

THE “9/11 AFFECTED ME PERSONALLY” SPIEL

We were all there. Some planes hit buildings and you got to watch TV all day instead of working or schooling or beating your wife. You were sad or confused or angry. We were all there. And yeah, if you lost a family member on 9/11, that’s one thing, but for everyone else, it was the same generic sadness and confusion and anger. So now that a handful of voices are dredging their memory to meet their Word Counts, let’s just change the channel.

What the commentator is trying to say: I have something edifying to say about this.

What the commentator is actually saying: I don’t have anything edifying to say about this.

Example: “Over nine and a half years later and a continent away, [my son] raced downstairs from his bedroom to watch Obama’s speech ‘so psyched’ that he couldn’t go to sleep until we processed the implications of the killing of a man who defined our family’s life in ways he still cannot begin to imagine. A few tears dripped from my eyes as I recalled the sadness that enveloped the lives of all New Yorkers in the days and weeks after the attacks.” – Mark LeVine, Al Jazeera

Hacknometer reading: “Boring!”

THE TRUTHER TURN

Obama, what the fuck were you thinking dumping bin Laden’s body in the ocean and refusing to release pictures? After the National Socialists destroyed all the evidence of Hitler’s death, there were decades and decades of crackpot theories arguing that the dictator had simply sailed off to South America to… relax quietly and not accomplish anything? Obviously, you’re going to have doubters suggesting that all this Capping business is a rouse; that bin Laden is still caving it up somewhere in south-central Asia.

Eh, whatever. Obviously, the President isn’t about to go running his mouth about offing the nation’s Most Wanted Man unless he was absolutely confident that we wouldn’t be hearing from the goon ever again. You know? Get some sleep.

What the commentator is trying to say: I’m the only sane one!

What the commentator is actually saying: I’m batshit fucking insane!

Example: “Did Obama really kill Osama bin Laden? No (90%, 22,052 votes), Yes (10%, 2,479 votes)” – Poll on Alex Jones’ Infowars.com

Hacknometer reading: “Get Some Sleep.”

THE PACIFIST CITATION

After hearing that Terrorist Number One had been killed, my first inclination was to take shots with my American Homies. That’s not saying much, considering that I’d poured the shots before I even heard the news. But yeah, with news of Osama’s death came a brief, brief era of celebration for many. And this celebration, as usual, came with a backlash of castigation. You had a couple of people who got all “we shouldn’t revel in the death of an enemy” and forgot to remember our Greatest American Prerogative: any excuse to party is still an excuse to party.

What the commentator is trying to say: I’m better than you.

What the commentator is actually saying: I want to look like I’m better than you.

Example: “‘Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.’ – MLK jr” – Your most PC friend’s status on Facebook

Hacknometer reading: Someone needs to get laid, know’m’sayin’, Dawg?”

THE MISC. NICHE

A Monday morning editorial meeting at one of the Big Outlets:

Managing Editor: Alright, this Osama thing is a big deal. How do we turn one story into ten?

Reporter 1: Perspective from 9/11 Families?

Reporter 2: Perspective from bin Laden’s Family?

Reporter 3: How are kids reacting?

Reporter 4: How are grandparents reacting?

Reporter 5: What does this mean for Obama’s poll numbers?

Reporter 6: What does this mean for the world of economics?

Reporter 7: What does this mean for the world of sports?

Reporter 8: What does this mean for the world of religion?

Reporter 9: Will Osama go to heaven?

Reporter 10: Will any of us go to heaven?

All: Whoaaaaaaaaa!

Managing Editor: …Gentlemen. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.

What the commentator is trying to say: I bet you never thought about it like that.

What the commentator is actually saying: …for good reason.

Example: Type “bin laden death” into Google and just skip ahead to page 10

Hacknometer reading: Journalism!
______________________________________


Not On Your Side

May

04

by

Channel 2 WGRZ-TV un-vites me from debate because I write satire

I got another letter today from local NBC affiliate WGRZ–this time it was unopened, in the mailbox.  It reads:

As you are aware, WGRZ-TV and the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle invited the candidates for the 26th congressional district to a debate at the WGRZ-TV studios on May 12th. In fact, after a certified letter to your business, the Buffalo Beast, was returned to our station, we sent Scott Levin to your home to personally make sure you were given every opportunity to respond and participate.

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The BEAST last minute tax guide

Apr

14

by

Not paying your taxes has never been easier!

(click on image to view full size)
tax

WARNING: The BEAST Last Minute Tax Guide & Civil Disobedience Primer is purely satire and not meant to inspire area TEA Baggers/tax cheats.

_____________________


Murphy calls for execution of so-called “Peace Activist”

Apr

14

by

We got this press release from Murphy and if we don’t run it he’ll beat us

**For immediate release**

Ian Murphy calls for the swift execution of so-called “Peace Activist” Nate Buckley, who was pepper-sprayed and arrested following last Friday’s “peace march.”

According to Artvoice’s Geoff Kelly:

“Last Friday’s peace march in downtown Buffalo ended in tears for activist Nate Buckley, courtesy of a dose of pepper spray administered directly into his eyes. Bruises, too, courtesy of the officer’s nightstick.

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