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Op-ed


How Louis C.K. ruined Louis C.K. for me

Apr

06

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“Atheists are arrogant,” says half-bright comedian

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C.K. does his impression of Rick Santorum

Life in Buffalo is a relentless shit-show. Unless you’re excited by awful sports teams, there’s not a lot of quality entertainment around, so on the rare occasion a comedy genius rolls through town you go. You just go. And for two hours you get to forget you live in Buffalo. Sadly, not very long into his set, Louis C.K. did a bit that left me acutely aware of where I was, how much I overpaid for my ticket, and why our species is so utterly fucked.

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Blessed Are The Cheesemakers

Dec

20

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Stupid faitheists act all stupid, again

So it’s getting close to the end of 2011 and like every other group of dipshits in the known universe, science-religion accommodationists are releasing lists of people and things which have warmed their hearts over the past 12 months. Like this one in Religion Dispatches, for instance.

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Hindus and Hindon'ts

Dec

06

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War on Christmas News — Heathen Edition!

We’re getting to that time of year again when the snow starts falling and we all come together in the spirit of harmony and goodwill to wage War On Christmas. But as we get into the serious anti-Christmas fighting over the next few week, we might take a moment or two to consider the less fortunate among us who might not have a Christmas to wage war against. And by that, I mean Hindu and Buddhist fundamentalists.

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Chris Stedman Is Wrong On The Internet

Nov

20

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A billboard campaign rarely makes the news unless it’s either wildly provocative or sponsored by an atheist group. As far as billboards go, it’s all well and good to remind people of some dehumanizing catastrophe like a Celine Dione concert at the local casino; but if you suggest that Christianity’s a myth or that atheists exist, everyone will freak the fuck out.

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Manufactured National Nightmare Comes to End

Aug

01

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Moderate right-wing and extreme right-wing lawmakers reach historic compromise on thing that shouldn’t exist

Contrary to popular opinion, the debt-ceiling does not limit the amount the US government can borrow, it’s actually an arbitrarily set repayment cap on debts already incurred. Let that sink in for a second.

Nowhere but in our inept government would such a thing exist. In fact, it’s such a stupid idea that only one other country in the world has a debt-ceiling (Denmark) and they keep it artificially high, so they’ll never have to face the manufactured crisis we’ve just experienced, nor would their most malfeasant legislators ever have the opportunity to hijack Denmark’s economy.

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Those homos in the State Senate should pass the Marriage Equality bill already

Jun

22

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A BEAST Reader Opinion

billy-ray

by Billy Ray Bull

So here we are on the cusp of a major civil rights victory, right here in New York State. Sure, we’re not the first state to legalize gay marriage, but we’ll be the first with a large population. But instead of getting down to the important work of fighting for marriage equality for all, our State Senate is being all gay about it.

Each moderate Republicans has taken their share of the spotlight by publicly considering whether or not to support marriage equality. And then there are staunch Democrats and Republicans who have already made up their mind. This leaves the Senate as a whole institution straddling the fence. And they probably like that, being gay homos and all.

Hey, New York State Senator Mark Grisanti! If you like being indecisive so much, then why don’t you marry it? Oh, is it because indecisiveness is another dude, and it’s currently illegal for you to marry it? Then that’s your own fault, you fag!

OK guys, here’s the New York State Senate: “Oh Gregory, what ever should we do today?” “Well Robert, let’s start by stalling on the Marriage Equality bill by designating sweet corn as the state vegetable. Then we can get to the buttsecks because we are huge homos and we love the cock!”

Our elected officials should be representing their constituencies. That means all of them, not just the ones who share a common sexual and gender preference. Even serial killers and rapists are allowed to get married while they’re in prison. And they’re not even allowed to vote! It’s wrong and immoral for our elected officials to deny basic human rights to someone just because they love someone of the same sex. It’s also pretty fucking gay of them.

So let’s get moving, people! We’re on the verge of making history here, and if you’re a public figure, you should want to be on the right side of it. Take a break from feeling each other’s schlongs or whatever it is you guys do all day and pass the Marriage Equality bill already.


Paley's Watchmaker

Jun

17

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In crossing a heath, suppose I pitched my foot against a stone, and were asked how the stone came to be there; I might possibly answer, that, for anything I knew to the contrary, it had lain there forever: nor would it perhaps be very easy to show the absurdity of this answer. But suppose I had found a watch upon the ground, and it should be inquired how the watch happened to be in that place; I should hardly think of the answer I had before given, that for anything I knew, the watch might have always been there. (…) There must have existed, at some time, and at some place or other, an artificer or artificers, who formed [the watch] for the purpose which we find it actually to answer; who comprehended its construction, and designed its use. (…) Every indication of contrivance, every manifestation of design, which existed in the watch, exists in the works of nature; with the difference, on the side of nature, of being greater or more, and that in a degree which exceeds all computation.
–William Paley, Natural Theology (1802)

That’s how this teleological argument for the existence of God was most famously articulated. It’s also known as the argument from design. Like Pascal’s Wager, it’s one of those bits of theology that’s often repeated ad nauseum by laypersons, and usually ones who’ve never read the original citation above. And also like Pascal’s Wager, there are so many problems with it that it’s difficult to know where exactly to begin.

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Jesus was a reactionary douchebag

Jun

13

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Some really obnoxious and mindless cliches have been popping up from commenters in a previous article about how Jesus was really a swell guy who had such nice teachings, and if only his followers hadn’t distorted his message we’d all be living in some hippy’s fever dream conception of a socialist commune with free tofu for all and an open bar by the pool between three and five by now.

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Bring me the head of Ryan LeVin, please.

Jun

08

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Meet Ryan LeVin:

LeVin is the 36 year old millionaire jewelry heir who this past weekend got away with murder.

That’s not to say that he was found not guilty in court. He was found guilty of killing two people (they were British businessmen, but let’s not split hairs) and was sentenced to two years of unmonitored house arrest at his parents’ oceanside condo and ten years probation.

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