"Totally coup, yo."

Page 3

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DPName: Death Panel

Turn-ons: Death, dying, refusing life-extending treatment based on productivity levels, Nazi Germany, Pol Pot

Turn-offs: Extraordinary measures, The Schiavos, retards and old folks.

How we got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 DEATH PANEL: Well, they’re calling us “end of life counseling,” but Death Panel just sounds so cool! And besides, old people are just so annoying, don’t you think? They smell funny. They clog up our highways and shopping centers. They’re afraid of Barack Obama. They make us talk on the phone when we’d rather be playing video games. They complain about everything. Honestly, aren’t you tired of them? I know I am. When the elderly are euthanized, America is youth-enized!

Future plans: Well, once the bill gets passed, I’ll be knocking off the elderly and feeble-minded like tin cans in a shooting gallery. Request denied motherfuckers!

How we’d like to be remembered: As the one thing Sarah Palin got right. Well, you know, sort of. Okay, there’s no such thing as a Death Panel. Still, it sounds pretty cool though, right?

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The BEAST Page 3 “Suicide”




Name: Ibn al-Shaykh al-Libi

Turn-ons: Allah, the sweet release of death, prop comedy.

Turn-offs: Press blackouts, infidels, organ failure.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 5 “Suicide”: Well, I ran a Jihadi training camp in Afghanistan, but I’m best known as the source for the bogus “Saddam trained Al Qaeda in chemical weapons” story that made its way into Colin Powell’s infamous UN speech. But hey, it wasn’t my fault! I was renditioned to Egypt by the CIA, so they could get medieval on my ass. I told those assholes that there wasn’t any link to Saddam, but then they put me in a coffin for 17 hours. When they finally pulled me out, they beat me mercilessly. Well, after that, I was all “Saddam this” and “Osama that” and “chemical weapons whatever,” as you can imagine. Anyway, later on the CIA sent me to Libya, where I was sentenced to life in prison. Then, just a few weeks ago, it came out that Cheney micromanaged my torture, and specifically requested that Saddam-Iraq lie. That is to say, he had me tortured with the specific intent of producing false evidence. So they had me killed, of course. Hell, the report of my “suicide” didn’t even specify when or how I died.

Future Plans: These 72 virgins are total uggos, so I’ve been spending a lot of time drinking from the rivers of wine around here. No, seriously, I’m in hell, of course. But the funny thing is, I’m so used to being tortured, they just gave up on me. Now I just hang out in my room and watch reruns of “Yes, Dear.” It’s the only show we get down here.

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