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Politics


Other Lies Fox Viewers Will Believe about #OWS

Oct

18

by

BY JOE DIXON

You have got people having sex on the street, walking around topless, smoking pot…
-Sean Hannity on the protestors in Zuccotti Park, 10/14/2011

While it’s true that there are few people dumber than a Fox News viewer, can that lie really work? Yes, a 33,000-square-foot park, surrounded by cops 24 hours a day, is full of flagrant law breakers. And law enforcement is, what, masturbating to it? Handing out the weed? Well, god knows, cops are holding. And they’ve been so cool with the protesters that I guess anything is possible.

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Obama, Republicans Reach Historic Compromise

Sep

08

by

Obama agrees to concede 2012 election, Republicans agree to have sex with the First Lady and kick First Daughters in the neck

BY JOE DIXON

obama-dixonObama hails the bipartisan victory, which will limit him to one term in office, allow Republicans to have sex wife his wife and kick his children in the neck

WASHINGTON — In what’s being hailed by the White House as a “victory for bipartisan cooperation,” President Barack Obama has conceded the 2012 presidential election to whomever the Republican nominee happens to be. The deal also lays the groundwork for the formation of a bipartisan, bicameral committee, which will be tasked with sexually violating the First Lady and kicking the President’s daughters, Sasha and Malia, in the throat.

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Let's beat up on Ron Paul

Aug

23

by

Ron Paul fans should be careful what they wish for


Last week on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart did a segment on how the media’s been conspicuously avoiding coverage of the Quixotic Presidential campaign of Ron Paul. His supporters loved it, probably hoping that more coverage of Paul would mean more people getting on board with his campaign. But more coverage means more coverage of his crazier positions too, and there are a lot of them.

During the 2008 Republican candidate “debates” (they’re kind of like debates in that people in suits stand at lecterns), the candidates were asked to raise their hands if they believed in evolution. Most of the candidates did so, including Ron Paul. Then John McCain said something goofy about how he helped Jesus dig the Grand Canyon, or something like that. Shortly afterwards, a video showed up on the internet of Paul telling a much smaller, conservative Christian audience that he doesn’t believe in evolution:

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Evolving Towards Marriage Equality

Jul

04

by

equalityshirt

Or: How I scored a gay t-shirt.

By Danny Michaels

In the last throes of the debate over New York’s Marriage Equality Act, the votes to pass the bill in the State Senate didn’t reflect the state’s popular attitude towards same-sex marriage. The senator representing Buffalo, Mark Grisanti, who’d been opposed to same-sex marriage during the campaign for his seat, was undecided on whether he would support the measure. So on the Saturday before the vote, I volunteered for the Human Rights Campaign’s (HRC) efforts to ask Buffalonians to fill out postcards expressing their support to Grisanti.

This experience – essentially asking people to sign a petition – seemed nearly pointless at the time. I couldn’t imagine that Senator Grisanti would walk into his office on the day of his vote and look at the pile of postcards from the supporters and the pile from the opponents and say to himself, “Well, looks like that pile is a little bigger so I guess I’ll go with those guys.” Unappreciative of the impact these postcards could potentially have with Senator Grisanti, I took my experience with the HRC as an opportunity to enjoy an afternoon in Buffalo.

When I showed-up, I was asked why I chose to volunteer. Slightly annoyed by this informal litmus test, which I felt was administered because my voice wasn’t as feminine sounding as some of the other guys, I responded, “Ya know, I’m actually not particularly supportive of same-sex marriage, but I really wanted a free t-shirt.” Throughout the day several people, assuming I wasn’t homosexual and wasn’t in favor of same-sex marriage for simply selfish reasons, asked why I supported the idea. I invariably used the joke above as a kickboard with follow-ups depending on my stereotypical view of the audience.

To an older white couple attending Shakespeare in the Park, I followed by saying, “…and the other side didn’t have my size.” To a middle-aged gay professional man in Allentown, I said, “…and the shirts for the side supporting the homosexuals are, unsurprisingly, more fashionable than those opposing.” To a group of uber-liberals sitting around a tree in Bidwell park, I added, “…Unfortunately, all of my ‘God Hates Fags’ shirts shrunk in the dryer.”

After making a variety of the same anti-marriage equality, pro-free t-shirt jokes, I switched the opener in response to a couple of muscular-looking guys playing basketball at Delaware Park. I told them that I wasn’t really interested in the same-sex marriage issue at all but I thought this experience would be a great way to meet some bisexual girls. This was actually closer to my wildest expectations of what I could take away from the experience anyway, but in the end, I just ended-up with the t-shirt. The girls I volunteered with were either too old, prudent, or out of my league to be interested in me. None of the guys were really my cup of tea either, given that I only drink coffee – to which one of the guys offered to buy me whiskey; assuming, I assume, that the liquor would distort my judgment on the matter.

A rough majority of people I talked to throughout the day were supportive of the initiative, which isn’t surprising given that we canvassed the areas of Buffalo with a very high concentration of liberals. However, even in these areas, some individuals shared their concerns with allowing homosexuals to marry. When I asked, “Do you support marriage equality in NY?” some responded with a cold, “No.” Someone said, “No, it’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” and one opponent cleverly said, “No, I’m for marriage inequality,” which is like telling a Pro-Life activist that you’re Pro-Death.

One older man confided that he just couldn’t support the initiative because it says in the Bible that homosexuality is an abomination and he doesn’t think the government should be legitimizing it. This sentiment was echoed by Democratic Assemblyman, Dov Hikind. Waving a Torah on the floor of the Assembly during debate he said, “If you think we should redefine marriage, you wanna tell God, ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about, you got it all wrong,’ do it. But I [...] will [...] not [...] do anything like that…”

These arguments follow a line of logic that is persuasive to the religious at first glance. ‘If I am,’ one may ask, ‘religious, why would I condone something that my religion frowns upon?’ The reason is that there are different considerations that one must apply to political institutions than the standards applied to religious institutions. Groups can’t simply refer to purely religious reasons to justify their positions on any matter. Individuals shouldn’t be arrested if they fantasize about their neighbor’s wife or work on Sunday, even though these activities are outlawed by the Ten Commandments.

As Assemblyman Hikind said later in his speech, “I wish it wasn’t in the book, because if it wasn’t, I’d be standing right next to you over there pushing this, supporting it, because there would be no reason not to.” If it is kosher to use solely religious arguments to oppose or favor legislation, maybe it should be asked of the Assemblyman if he is in favor of outlawing all hot dogs that aren’t Hebrew National, given that they aren’t kosher. However, given that many New Yorkers (including myself) swear by that brand of beef franks, that legislation may actually be popular enough to pass, especially in the wake of all the Independence Day BBQ’s.

Assemblyman Hikind also said, “I gotta tell ya, I came close to maybe changing my point of view when I started looking at all the celebrities that were telling New Yorkers what the moral, what the right thing was… when Lady Gaga got involved and told us this, ya know, we should support gay marriage, I said, ‘ya know, Lady Gaga, ya know, she is my example of how I should lead my life and how I should behave.’” Hopefully for Hikind, The Fame Monster is also a moral monster that doesn’t support any of the basic values that his constituents hold.

HRCgaga

I hate to pick on Assemblyman Hikind so much but he makes it easy by opening his mouth. In the same speech quoted above he said, “By the way, talking about civil rights… 46% said yes, 45% no, that’s the minority community. [Sarcastically:] I assume they know nothing about civil rights in the black community.” Being black, I honestly did not know that we were the public arbiters of any civil rights issue. Was this one of the gains of the civil rights movement?

One of those in the black community that apparently knows more about history than me is former NY Giants Wide Receiver, David Tyree. In opposition to the same-sex marriage bill, he said, “How can marriage be marriage for thousands of years and now all of a sudden, because a minority – an influential minority – has a push or an agenda and totally reshapes something that was not founded in our country?” As Abraham Lincoln said in his speech in Cooper Union, to blindly follow the founders of this country in whatever they did “would be to discard all the lights of current experience – to reject all progress – all improvement.” Though if we were to do so in regards to marriage, David Tyree should frown upon the marriages of Derek Jeter’s and Barack Obama’s parents, because even Lincoln said, “…I am not nor ever have been in favor of…having [blacks] marry with white people.”

Luckily, these arguments weren’t as persuasive as they have been in the past. As Mayor Bloomberg said, “…the recognition that the lifelong commitment [homosexuals] have made to each other is not less than anyone else’s and not second-class in any way.” As Governor Cuomo said, “Their love is worth the same as your love. Their partnership is worth the same as your partnership.” It was very refreshing to see Senator Grisanti take up this argument and help the Senate approve same-sex marriage. Saying, “I cannot deny a person, a human being, a taxpayer, a worker, the people of my district and across this state, the State of New York, and those people who make this the great state that it is the same rights that I have with my wife.”

I must acknowledge here that I initially opposed same-sex marriage for a blatantly selfish and homophobic reason. As one of the more unlucky single guys, I didn’t want any more competition for the affection of girls than I already had. Allowing homosexuals to marry, I thought, might add some more legitimacy to homosexual relationships. This could lead more women to engage in relationships with other women, in turn decreasing my odds. Gay guys and straight women are people I don’t particularly understand. This is why I was homophobic, in the same sense that I am heterophobic, because like the xenophobic low-skilled laborer, I didn’t want some foreigner taking a job that I am lucky to have intermittently at best.

A few years ago, I abandoned this position and have come to embrace same-sex marriage. This has been the case for many New Yorkers. The change has been remarkable, considering how low on the radar this issue ranks in regards to other issues facing the polis. The issue of same-sex marriage has never been one of what Senator Stephen Douglas called “the leading political topics which now agitate the public mind.” Yet, on the night the Marriage Equality Act eventually passed, Buffalo gay rights activist Stacy Watson accurately summarized the shift in public sentiment saying, “Both gay and straight people alike have just gotten tired of inequality being acceptable; it’s just not acceptable any longer.”

My experience volunteering for HRC’s postcard campaign originally seemed a few tiles short of futile – a good opportunity to just joke around – but I was surprised to read in The New York Times that this is exactly what persuaded Senator Joseph Addabbo of Queens to support the measure. He was nicknamed ‘The Counter’ by gay rights advocates, because he told Governor Cuomo that his vote would hinge on the amount of individuals that petitioned his office. In early June, those constituents in Queens who petitioned his office in support of the measure totaled roughly 80%. “In the end, that is my vote,” Mr. Addabbo said.

In 2003, Mayor Michael Bloomberg had said, “I think I’ll stay out of the marriage business.” Yet in 2005 he came out of the closet to support gay marriage. Governor Andrew Cuomo hadn’t supported it until 2006. This June marked the first time a clear majority of New Yorkers (between 56-58%) supported it. On the night the same-sex marriage bill was signed into law, Christine Quinn, the first openly gay NYC Council Speaker, gushed, “To have it supported by 60% of the voters, this is a huge step forward.”

stefon

“…Okay, Seth, the best place in the city for gay couples to hold their parties this summer, is called, HEY YAAA!!! This bitchin’ sausage, egg, and cheese party was built by Governor Andrew Huomo in the Chinatown section of Little Italy. And this place really answers the question, ‘you really think you can squeeze that up there?’ This place has everything: Frank Sinatra impersonators, Abolitionists, an old woman dressed as the Incredible Hulk, and is that Derek Jeter who just walked in? Nope, it’s a Middle Eastern Swim instructor from the Jewish Community Center named Ahkmed…”

 

_________________________________________________________

When Danny Michaels lost his job recently, he was under the impression that unemployment would be like an extended version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. However, his life is more like a movie of a guy who watches “Days of Our Lives” and “The View” before taking his afternoon nap in order to be well-rested for an afternoon “Teen Mom” marathon. This schlemiel is frequently spotted around town at the Buffalo City Mission on “Taco Tuesdays”, the bi-weekly Sex Addicts Anonymous Ice Cream Social, and the JCC where he takes advanced Jazzercise classes.



The Great Osama Death Clichédown

May

06

by

clichedown

There was this dude named Osama bin Laden who got capped the other day. I don’t know, maybe you heard about it; it was sort of a big deal. Everyone in The News is talking about it – writers, anchors, bloggers, and all your social media buddies. But despite the event’s big-dealie-ness, there’s only so many ways to reword the phrase “Bad Guy Got Capped.” And in order to provide footing for those trekking warily through the Inundated Mediascape, we’ve run the most common Osama Death related clichés through the Beast’s Patented Hacknometer (patent pending).

hacknometer

THE ERA EPITAPH

The death of bin Laden is typically treated like a function – a play in three convenient acts: Sept. 11, 2001 > Patriot Act America > Osama Gets Capped. Though there might be some relevance to this narrative, it dangerously shifts discourse away from the decades and decades of Cause and Effect that precipitated in our current State of Terror.

What the commentator is trying to say: The death of Osama bin Laden changes things.

What the commentator is actually saying: I want to take credit for summarily defining an issue so hopelessly convoluted and complex that no one could actually ever wrap their head all the way around it.

Example: “For many young adults living in Western New York, their understanding of the modern world is now bookended by the 9/11 attacks and this week’s killing of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden” – Mark Popiolkowski, The Buffalo News

Hacknometer reading: “Too Easy”

THE “9/11 AFFECTED ME PERSONALLY” SPIEL

We were all there. Some planes hit buildings and you got to watch TV all day instead of working or schooling or beating your wife. You were sad or confused or angry. We were all there. And yeah, if you lost a family member on 9/11, that’s one thing, but for everyone else, it was the same generic sadness and confusion and anger. So now that a handful of voices are dredging their memory to meet their Word Counts, let’s just change the channel.

What the commentator is trying to say: I have something edifying to say about this.

What the commentator is actually saying: I don’t have anything edifying to say about this.

Example: “Over nine and a half years later and a continent away, [my son] raced downstairs from his bedroom to watch Obama’s speech ‘so psyched’ that he couldn’t go to sleep until we processed the implications of the killing of a man who defined our family’s life in ways he still cannot begin to imagine. A few tears dripped from my eyes as I recalled the sadness that enveloped the lives of all New Yorkers in the days and weeks after the attacks.” – Mark LeVine, Al Jazeera

Hacknometer reading: “Boring!”

THE TRUTHER TURN

Obama, what the fuck were you thinking dumping bin Laden’s body in the ocean and refusing to release pictures? After the National Socialists destroyed all the evidence of Hitler’s death, there were decades and decades of crackpot theories arguing that the dictator had simply sailed off to South America to… relax quietly and not accomplish anything? Obviously, you’re going to have doubters suggesting that all this Capping business is a rouse; that bin Laden is still caving it up somewhere in south-central Asia.

Eh, whatever. Obviously, the President isn’t about to go running his mouth about offing the nation’s Most Wanted Man unless he was absolutely confident that we wouldn’t be hearing from the goon ever again. You know? Get some sleep.

What the commentator is trying to say: I’m the only sane one!

What the commentator is actually saying: I’m batshit fucking insane!

Example: “Did Obama really kill Osama bin Laden? No (90%, 22,052 votes), Yes (10%, 2,479 votes)” – Poll on Alex Jones’ Infowars.com

Hacknometer reading: “Get Some Sleep.”

THE PACIFIST CITATION

After hearing that Terrorist Number One had been killed, my first inclination was to take shots with my American Homies. That’s not saying much, considering that I’d poured the shots before I even heard the news. But yeah, with news of Osama’s death came a brief, brief era of celebration for many. And this celebration, as usual, came with a backlash of castigation. You had a couple of people who got all “we shouldn’t revel in the death of an enemy” and forgot to remember our Greatest American Prerogative: any excuse to party is still an excuse to party.

What the commentator is trying to say: I’m better than you.

What the commentator is actually saying: I want to look like I’m better than you.

Example: “‘Returning hate for hate multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.’ – MLK jr” – Your most PC friend’s status on Facebook

Hacknometer reading: Someone needs to get laid, know’m’sayin’, Dawg?”

THE MISC. NICHE

A Monday morning editorial meeting at one of the Big Outlets:

Managing Editor: Alright, this Osama thing is a big deal. How do we turn one story into ten?

Reporter 1: Perspective from 9/11 Families?

Reporter 2: Perspective from bin Laden’s Family?

Reporter 3: How are kids reacting?

Reporter 4: How are grandparents reacting?

Reporter 5: What does this mean for Obama’s poll numbers?

Reporter 6: What does this mean for the world of economics?

Reporter 7: What does this mean for the world of sports?

Reporter 8: What does this mean for the world of religion?

Reporter 9: Will Osama go to heaven?

Reporter 10: Will any of us go to heaven?

All: Whoaaaaaaaaa!

Managing Editor: …Gentlemen. We’ve got a long week ahead of us.

What the commentator is trying to say: I bet you never thought about it like that.

What the commentator is actually saying: …for good reason.

Example: Type “bin laden death” into Google and just skip ahead to page 10

Hacknometer reading: Journalism!
______________________________________


KOCH KILLS

Feb

14

by

Billionaire Bashing in Rancho Mirage, CA

by Mike Roddy

sfdsfsdfdsf

We came dressed for battle at Rancho Las Palmas Hotel. Gail Zawacki and I had matching tuxedo shirts, top hats, ghoul masks, and the best sign ever: KOCH KILLS, on an eight by two foot banner, painted in dripping red by Gail. We’d been planning it for weeks, and came from New Jersey and Seattle, respectively, for this important event.
***
And we’re not talking about whatever the gathering inside the hotel met for—no mystery there: “How can we evade paying taxes? When can we destroy Social Security? Those pesky pollution and climate change rules are cutting into our bottom lines; who should we bribe?”

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Obama's Temper Finally Broken By Daughter's Glass Of Spilled Juice

Jul

07

by

Originally posted at The Enduring Vision

Sources inside the White House say that President Barack Obama, infamous for his cool temper, finally “flipped out” yesterday when his eight-year-old daughter Sasha spilled a glass of grape juice all over the living room floor.

“God damnit, Sasha,” Obama reportedly shouted, abruptly standing up from his easy chair and throwing down his newspaper in anger. “Watch what you’re doing once in a god damn while.”

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