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Jan

24

by

Loathsome emails and Tweets from our adoring fans

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Email 0, Twitter 1

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Damon Lindelof

DamonLindelof Damon Lindelof

Bad news: I’m 33rd on the “50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2010″ list. Good news: Mel Gibson is 32nd. Whew. http://bit.ly/gcRESZ

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Dear Mr. Lindelof,

You have to understand that the “50 Most Loathsome Americans of 2010” was really written in an alternate universe…by a ghost…of a polar bear…in a fake beard…with six-years of perpetual five o’clock shadow…and incongruous philosophy references…and then heaven or something. So, really, it’s an honor—if you get it. And we think you do.

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We gets [sic] mail!

Dec

05

by

Human Energy

I’m a frequent blogger on Dot Earth, Realclimate, and Climate Progress. We’re all getting sick of the loony tune oil company paid climate change deniers. I want to write “10 most debunked global warming articles”, featuring assholes like Will and bad scientists like Lindzen. This will make Buffalobeast world famous, and your income will triple overnight. Plus, you will save the world. The format will be similar to 50 most loathsome Americans. How much will you pay?
Dear Mike,
If you triple our income, let’s see (carry the nothing), we’d have approximately zero monies. But sure, write the thing, and we’ll give you a cut of that. And don’t fudge the tree ring data!

More than zero

how much cash do you guys need to keep operating? is this shit done with?
i will contribute, i just don’t want my money getting spent on shrooms in 2 months when you decide the beast is truly dead.

my cousin will give you some money too!

-Jonathan

Dear Jonathan,
See above. Why can’t we buy shrooms? That, sir, is a deal breaker. We said good day!

Will he Wonk..uh & The Stupid Factory?

It certainly appears that the Republican Party did not learn a thing from the 2008 election. They continue to run candidates who openly embrace values in direct conflict with those traditionally held dear by the conservative voter. The end result is what we are seeing. Republican candidate Dede Scozzafava was forced out of New York’s 23rd Congressional district race early because voters were sick and tired of having the Republican Party tell them that those values were outdated and not in the best interest of the Party. It may be that the Republican Party will wake-up and realize that it is really about what the voter wants . . . not what the so-called leaders of the Party want. Even now, the National Republican Party is fragmented and being pulled apart by a bunch of wannabe leaders who disregard the voiced desires of the body of the Party because they believe the rhetoric put forth by the Democratic Party defining what the Country wants. Our politicians in general have come to believe that the individual voter no longer matters. People are disgusted with the wavering they see from the leadership (if you could honestly call it that). Both the Democratic and the Republican Parties are self-absorbed and that self-absorption is destroying our country. It resulted in the current administration gaining the Whitehouse in 2008 and now we are suffering with the insane levels of spending the Democrats have become infamous for.
The surest and most simple solution is to vote all incumbents out of office over the next three election cycles. If the American voter bands together to send a message to the corrupt scum currently holding elected seats, we may be able to win our country back. It really does not matter whether you replace a Republican with another Republican or a Democrat because either way, the winner will attempt to pick your pocket of the small change that may remain after the current administration spends us into hyperinflation.
Respectfully yours,

Robert M. Collinsworth

Dear Bobby,
Can we call you Bobby? ‘Cause you seem like a real swell guy, we’ll let you in on a little secret: you know that crazy Palin-wing of the Republican party? Their values are outdated. Dude, those values are SO ’93—1793. Zing!
Seriously, go kill yourself.

Um… right here!

WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE NEW ISSUES FOR CHRIST’S FUCKING SAKE

I love your magazine. Thank you.
-John Chester Howe Jesuston

Dear Mr. Jesuston,
Perhaps we haven’t made it clear, but sadly, The BEAST’s days in print are done. We’re now an online sensation, or something. OMG! ROFL! Expect more regular content. As for why we haven’t produced any new content  in a while: we overslept.

FAQ

Will there be more issues?
Is the Beast dead?
What is the prognosis?
-Paul

Dear Paul,
The BEAST isn’t dead, it just smells funny.
Never mind. That’s just Uthman.

AHHHHH!

I am a former Buffalo native now living in Seattle since 1985. I was wondering when your new issue will appear on your website. It seems that this current issue has been on site for months now. I find your site highly amusing and being an old hippie from the 70′s, your work falls right into my interest .
Thanks,
Michael Harber

Dear Michael,
Right…now! Oh, well, hit the refresh button in your web browser—you know, the little circular arrow thing. There you go. BTW, Murphy used to live in Seattle, and he wants to know if the “Heroin Hotel” is still lowering  property values in the U district. Eh, you seem more like a Capital Hill sort of guy.

HOW DOES IT FEEL?

A SLAP IN THE FACE FOR
911 FAMILIES AND N.Y.
What is this president thinking, even better WHY?
Plus who will pay for this?
A number of Terrorists being brought to
American Soil to be tried under our Constitution
You are hereby notified, Mr. President
“Americans will not be responsible for this cost of these Trials”.
What happens if they get set FREE, what IF?

This President listens to ACLU, ACORN, CZARS, SEIU or any other Radical Group, but won’t listen or consider how the American People feel or want. This President could care less about America or its people. He’s put such a burden on us and our children in less than a year. How will it be paid back? Bringing these Terrorist to our country will give them all the constitutional rights Americans have. How is that possible? There not Americans, there Terrorist. They have no rights, PERIOD. They killed Americans thousands of them, so what gives them any rights?

THERE TERRORIST RADICAL TERRORIST. But Obama has sympathy for those people it seems. WHO WILL PAY FOR THIS? WHO WILL PAY FOR THERE DEFENSE? Not New Yorkers or the American People, we are saying NO.

What I think, I think your representatives, plus the Democrat Senators and Congress along with the President, should pay for there trial and there support. Not New Yorkers, or the American People. WE are saying NO, WHAT DO YOU THINK N.Y. Let your representatives know how you feel.

This is just one more issue, why Americans feel this Democratic Administration and this president, MUST BE FIRED IN 2010/2012. Come election time remember all that this administration is doing to the American People and America, when you go to VOTE.
-Carole Frazier

Dear Carole,
You’ve made a rebuttal rather redundant, but we’ll put this in terms you’ll understand: IF YOU DON’T LIKE THIS COUNTRY AND OUR LEGAL SYSTEM, WELL, YOU CAN GET OUT! GO BACK TO GABON! Just kidding, Carole. They don’t want you either.

WHY?

Good afternoon,
My name is Mary E. Kuebler, [address redacted]. Should you have any questions I may be reaced at the following numbers ([redacted] home; [redacted]  cell). I presently teach fourth grade in the Williamsville Central School District. I am using Hannah Stuart as my pen name. Hannah Stuart was my mother’s maiden name. I have adopted the name as a tribute to my mother.

Sincerely,
Mary E. Kuebler

Dear Mary,
That’s touching. Really. Your mother would be proud. And we were just thinking about “reacing” you, woman we’ve never heard of.

NEVER! NEVER! AND AGAIN, NEVER!

And now you’ve just quit?
-Adam

Dear Adam,
Uthman may have quit. It’s hard to say. He says he still works here, yet he hasn’t done anything in months. I mean, you got poor Rajneesh working his butt off on this here new website, Murphy’s been training the new BEAST mercenary squad (we’re coming for you!), Fallon’s been drinking heavily to inspire the whole BEAST team and Uthman’s just been playing Atari. He’s really into PONG right now. Weird.

It was just that one time!

I guess since I read it on your site, it must be real. YOU abuse puppies.

Dear You,
We believe you’re referring to our marketing campaign from several years ago: “Subscribe to The BEAST or we’ll [do something awful] to this puppy.” And yes, it was on the interwebs, so it must be true. Right?

Gold Man’s Sack

Re: goldman sachs
“We looked into the Abyss.” There we saw Wall Street billionaires becoming millionaires. So goldman operatives (in and out of government) sacrificed virgins like the Ancients did when pacifying angry volcanos. This gang tossed in whole generations of virgin taxpayers, some as yet unborn, who will be handed the bail out bills.
-RT Carpenter

Dear RT,
What color beret are you wearing right now? Oh, that’s hot.

Egg on your face

Hi, I hope the Beast is still alive. I’ve been trying to submit a manuscript but no editor has a working email. I hope this gets to someone. If you are still publishing, please give me an address that works. If I don’t hear anything by the end of the day, I will submit elsewhere.
Thank you,
Nick Peters

Dear Nick,
Dude, your article is right here. What’s the problem? It was fairly amusing, too. Although we should point out that by publishing your piece we are in no way condoning your failed attempt to egg Sarah Palin. We wish you would have hit her.

Who?

I have to find Richard “Skippy” Mills now. It is urgent and you are the
only way I know to contact him.
Tell him it is L’l Momma and I need his help urgently.

Thank you. More thank yous if you find him for me.

Lyn M. Anton

Dear Lyn,
Try Craigslist Missed Connections or something. Seriously, how are you expecting us to help you? OK, OK! Does anyone out there know Skippy? Skippy! SKIPPY! SKIPPY! If you’re out there, L’l Momma needs you! Better?

You’re welcome

So nothing new has come out since mid-summer. Is it fair to say the Beast is all done? If so, you guys were the shit. Thanks for a lot of laughs and some great information.
-Brian

Dear Brian,
We’re still the shit. Tell your friends.


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BEAST MAIL!

Sep

23

by

monkey_typing

RESISTANCE IS FETAL

This article by Erich Schulte was logical and irrefutable; it will be ignored by pro-lifers, or as I prefer to call them angry god botherers.

The human logic that we should actively prevent murder, therefore, not preventing murder (abortion)is being complicit in murder, is wonderful; I shall use it in my contacts with chritianism types.

Erich, I don’t know if this is original but you may like to use it in your own dealings with anti-abortionists, if not I don’t care:

A.)”If every fetus is a human being as you claim I assume they also have a soul?”

B.) “Naturally”.

A.) “They are aborted and then join Jesus in heaven?”

B.) “Of course.”

A.) “When you die you’ll go to heaven?”

B.) “Without doubt.”

A.) “When you meet these millions of souls of the aborted fetuses, what exactly will you talk about? That is will you talk about your life on earth, and how will a three week fetus,or a four day zygote respond, you dumb fuck?”

Reality and religion are two different worlds, articles like this do spread; I intend to spread it,

Cheers Erich,

Rob.

Dear Rob,

Here’s the problem with your argument: Adults don’t have souls either. And there is no heaven. And if there were, the assertion that aborted fetuses would make terrible conversationalists isn’t much of an argument. Why not just pare it down to “you dumb fuck”?

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[sic]

Aug

06

by

BOZO BEATDOWN

Okay, the clown thing was fucking stupid. First of all, Ian Murphy deserved to get a serious beat-down, but it didn’t happen. Having his snide ass kicked by bible-thumpers would have at least been funny. If some weirdo waltzed into my local bar wearing a clown suit and making an ass out of himself while I was trying to enjoy a soothing, well-deserved beer, I can assure you that he’d find himself balls-up on the sidewalk trying to figure out why he had on that dumb-assed clown wig. Smarten up, Ian. Being a dick isn’t always hilarious.

Manuel Martinez

Dear Manuel,

So what you’re saying is, if you were at a bar, and a guy walked into the bar in a clown suit, you’d beat him up? That doesn’t seem very cool of you, Manuel. Why not say, “Hey, clown guy! Come have a drink and tell me your story”? It’s just a bar, Manuel, what’s the big deal? Sheesh. It’s not Murphy’s fault the churchies didn’t have the balls to beat him up.

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