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Sports


Me Want Hockey

Sep

19

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With hockey season at risk, Canada threatens to release a new Simple Plan album.

Naturally, Tim Thomas blamed the lockout on Obama.

You know what’s been great about 2012? No ugly, prolonged lockouts. Unlike last year, all four major sports are going off without a hitch and we don’t have to concern ourselves with some endless, repetitive labor disp- wait, what? Really? You’re fucking kidding me! No hockey season, again?! God, I fucking hate Gary Bettman.

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My Rejected Fantasy Football Column!

Aug

30

by

Read The Article That A Subsidiary of ESPN Didn’t Think Was Good Enough!

 

A few weeks ago, Grantland began a contest to be their fantasy football writer. While I’m not much of a fantasy person (I won my league in 2010, but mostly because everyone else stopped paying attention), I thought I’d give it a try. Sadly, the results came in yesterday, of the 4000 entrants, I did not make the top 10. Thanks to the existence of alcohol, I’m not too broken up about this, but I figured since I did put some work into the column, why not put it out there and give people a chance to read it. If you’re unfamiliar with the rules, the instructions were to name your top 5 fantasy players and one sleeper. So, here’s my rejected entry into Grantland’s Fantasy Football Writer contest. Enjoy!

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Why Scab Refs Will Ruin Football Season

Aug

20

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For the first time ever, NFL referees actually are as bad as fans think they are.


The NFL may start letting actual zebras be referees.

If you’re a sports fan, you hate the refs. That’s pretty much a given. No matter which team you root for in whatever sport, you have thought on numerous occasions that referees were either the dumbest human beings on the face of the earth, or they had a deliberate bias against your team. When they lose a close playoff game, if any blame at all can be placed on the refs, that’s where you place it. And if your team somehow manages to win the title, you think they did it in spite of all the horrid officials who were trying to screw them over.

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Fuck The Lakers

Aug

13

by

Especially Kobe. But really, fuck all of them.


A rare moment of Howard not trying to get a coach fired

If we had to pick the most maddening team in all of the four major sports, I’m guessing it would come down to a virtual tie between the Yankees and the Lakers. Both teams win constantly, primarily because they spend money left and right, usually so they can take the best players from other, less fortunate teams. I can easily see hating either team, but I became a Yankees fan when I was 6, and there’s no turning back now. At least not until Jeter retires.

But the Lakers? They really burn my cannoli. After two “off” years in which they only made it to the second round of the playoffs, everyone’s least favorite NBA franchise reloaded in grand fashion this summer. First they added Steve Nash, who is somehow still one of the league’s best point guards despite being almost 40. Because turning the most likeable guy in the league over to the dark side wasn’t enough, the Lakers also added the league’s best center, Dwight Howard. Combining Nash and Howard with Kobe Bryant and Pau Gasol gives the Lakers an extremely potent stating lineup, and puts them among the favorites to win the title next season. Just like always.

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On Jerry Sandusky And Rape Jokes

Jun

26

by

Why we should drop the “dropping the soap” bit


Sandusky, in a rare non-molesting moment.

On Friday, America waited with bated breath to see what would happen to Jerry Sandusky, the former Penn State defensive coordinator accused of molesting dozens of young boys. We were all just about certain he was guilty, but since we’ve seen the legal system fuck up royally so many times before, nobody was quite sure what was going to happen.

Then, the verdict came in, and a burst of applause erupted outside the courtroom. Right then, we knew. That fucker was guilty. 45 out of 48 charges, never seeing the light of day again. For once, a rich old white dude wasn’t going to slip through the cracks. This was a glorious day indeed.

If only we didn’t go and fuck it up by making a bunch of ultra-hacky prison rape jokes.

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Ok, Lebron, I’ll Shut Up Now

Jun

22

by

NBA Finals Recap

So, first things first, I just can’t fucking win. I pick the Heat to win the title at the beginning of the year, then when they get to the finals, I go against them, and naturally, I end up looking like an idiot. Fuck me.

Okay, now that that ugly situation is over, let’s talk about the actual series. After an encouraging win by the upstart Thunder in Game 1, the Heat swept the next four, gradually looking more and more powerful as the series went on. Game 2 was a close one, where the Heat benefited heavily from a dubious no-call on Lebron James that might have sent the game into overtime. As the series went on, the games were still close, but the Heat were beginning to look more and more like the better team, and in game 5, they just straight-up obliterated the Thunder.

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Boxing: An Even Bigger Joke Than We Thought

Jun

10

by

At least the WWE admits that it’s fake…

 

I give zero fucks — flying or otherwise — about boxing. Every major fight, I try to get into it, but the whole thing just bores the hell out of me. Yes, this is coming from someone who will publicly admit to liking NASCAR. You can say all you want about how it’s an art or a science, but really it’s just two dudes punching the shit out of each other. And that can only be entertaining for so long.

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Hard Times For Baseball's One Percent

May

14

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As I mentioned in my haiku-themed MLB preview, baseball can often be nauseatingly predictable. We know what teams are going to win each year, and we know who’s going to suck. Admittedly, bad teams can eventually develop quality talent and become contenders, but that takes a while. Plus, they usually trade their best prospects to the Yankees or Red Sox before they can reach the playoffs anyway.

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The NBA's 5 Least Valuable Players

Apr

23

by

It’s a list. You like lists.

The NBA season is coming to an end, and this year’s MVP race is fairly boring. It’s basically between Lebron James and Kevin Durant, with the deciding factor being whether or not voters will overlook how much they personally hate Lebron and admit that he’s the best player in the league. But the race for the league’s worst player? That’s way more exciting! Tons of players were horrendous this year. This column honors them, the 5 most worthless players in the NBA.

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