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Sports


Ozzie and Fidel: Bros for Life

Apr

16

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All offseason long, the Miami Marlins looked like a disaster waiting to happen. From their ultra-extravagant, ultra-expensive ballpark, to their roster that relies on a few star players, and not a great deal of depth, it seemed certain that things were going to blow up in their faces by the time July rolled around.

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All-Haiku Major League Baseball Preview!

Mar

30

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For that huge cross-section of baseball fans who like ancient Japanese poetry

Let’s face it, baseball is dull. To watch and to talk about. The only reason it’s so popular to begin with is because from June to September, it’s the only option. Then, football comes back, and we leave baseball behind, along with any harebrained idea that it’s still our “national pastime.” So, let’s spice things up a bit! Predicting baseball is sort of boring because it takes a while for a shitty team to become not shitty. As a result, we find ourselves with a lot of standings that look identical to the year before. How do we make that fun? With haiku! Of course. That’s right, it’s the 2012 All-Haiku MLB preview!

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The Passion of the Tebow

Mar

23

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God trades crappy players in mysterious ways

Our national nightmare is over. Peyton Manning has a new team, and Tim Tebow isn’t a starting quarterback anymore. Yes, the Denver Broncos gave Manning — who missed the entire 2011 season with a vagina neck injury — a massive 5-year $95 million contract, and sent the would-be messiah to the New York Jets to fill the role he was born to play: second fiddle to a quarterback who isn’t very good.

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Will Kobe Bryant Ever Die?!

Mar

20

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If you read the NBA preview I wrote around Christmastime, you know that things aren’t going very well for me. I was right about the Celtics and Mavs taking a step back, and wrong about… everything else. The Clippers aren’t a title contender — they have the players, but their coach is awful, Derrick Rose isn’t winning another MVP, and the Spurs are not going to miss the playoffs. Yeah, I was way off on that last one. Eh, blame it on post-lockout confusion. Please?

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Breaking News: Football Is Violent

Mar

08

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New Orleans Saints plan football version of Death Race 2000

Hey, did you know that football players get paid large sums of money to beat the shit out of each other? I know! I was shocked, too! Oh, and get this, apparently hockey players get paid to fire a cylindrical bit of rubber at a net! Barbaric, right?

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The Piss Cup Caper

Mar

07

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Baseball star’s steroid-filled pee tossed out by arbitrator 

In the early 2000s, we found out that nearly every relevant baseball player of the 80s and 90s was on steroids. America collectively agreed that they were irredeemable pieces of shit for jamming drugs in their asses so that baseball would be something approaching entertaining. Granted, this had more to do with the fact that sports writers make their living obsessing over things most people don’t care about beyond the age of twelve. But we listened to them anyway.

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Linterest Rates on Rise

Feb

25

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Asian basketball guy > GOP debate

When I got home the other night, and prepared to sit on my ass for another lazy evening of television viewing, there was one question that immediately crossed my mind: Would I rather watch a gaggle of assholes who have no chance whatsoever of becoming president argue about who hates women and gays the most for the ten trillionth time, or do I watch the most awesome sports story in about a decade?

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Capitalism! Overeating! Madonna! Oh, and football.

Feb

02

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The Beast Super Bowl preview!


Before I give you my take on this year’s Super Bowl, there’s one thing you should know: my opinions will be completely biased. I’m a diehard Patriots fan, and this Sunday there’s nothing I’d like to see more than the Pats ripping the Giants to shreds, while Eli Manning sobs on the sideline in disgrace like the over-hyped, less-talented sibling that he is, therefore making up for the crime against humanity that happened 4 years ago, when the Giants somehow managed to beat the Pats, which still stands as the single worst day of my life.

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Worst Basketball Team Ever?

Jan

18

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Washington Wizards cast powerful sucking spell

This past June, Washington Wizards fans had a fair amount to be excited about. They had a young potential superstar in John Wall, they were finally getting rid of the godawful uniforms that had plagued them for 15 years and were going back to the much cooler old school Bullets colors, and they had drafted Jan Vesely, a so-called “dunking ninja” from the Czech Republic who had tons of athleticism, and wasn’t exactly shy about PDA. Maybe they weren’t a playoff team, but they appeared to be well on the right track.

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In Which We Jump On the Tebow-Bashing Bandwagon

Jan

15

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There are lots of numbers associated with football games. But what do they mean?

A lot was made of Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow throwing for 316 yard in last week’s footsball game against the terminally unemployed steel-workers of Pittsburgh. You see, Tebow stood out from other quarterbacks for painting Bible verses on his face, a favorite of his being John 3:16. People imagined there was some connection between the number of yards Tebow threw for and the placement of one of the more important verses in Christianity within one of the later Gospels.

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