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Sports


Coping With the Heat

Jan

03

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How to Deal With Miami Heat Dominance

We’re a week into this shortened NBA season, and already the Miami Heat look un-fucking-stoppable. After getting bloody revenge against the Mavericks on Christmas day (sidenote: that team looks awful), they plowed through a rapidly aging Celtics team, and just this past Sunday, they slaughtered the Bobcats by 39 points – and that was when Lebron was having an off day!

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5 Things To Expect From The NBA Season

Dec

22

by

It’s a sports list. You like lists. You like sports.

The NBA lockout is resolved, so much like Moe Syzlak, I can put off my holiday suicide for another year. But what about the season we’re going to get? Last year’s season was one of the most enjoyable seasons in NBA history. That it ended with Miami’s cabal of evil getting humiliated, while Lebron James froze in the headlights like a slightly more pathetic Bambi, was just the icing on the steak. It’s unknown if this season will be as fun, but here’s a few things to expect from the 2012 NBA season.

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It's Official: Everything About College Football Sucks

Nov

09

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Especially the “defensive coordinators fucking children” part

College football is easily the biggest trainwreck in sports. For one thing, it’s a system where rich, white Southern men get rich exploiting mostly black men who get no money for their services. It also has the godawful BCS system, ensuring the championship game will be picked by a computer, and the second a team loses one game, they’re season might as well be over. Also, it takes 4 goddamn hours to play a game because of that fucking stupid rule where the clock stops after a first down. To put it lightly, college football doesn’t have all that much going for it.

But hey, at least there’s never been a coach who went around fucking little kids or anything, right? Oh, wait….

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Dear Indianapolis Colts, Just Fucking Stop

Oct

25

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Seriously, this is getting sad.

In sports, there are routs, there are blowouts, there are beatdowns, there are even a few eviscerations. Then there was all-out curb-stomping that the New Orlenas Saints laid on the Indianapolis Colts this past Sunday. They won by a score of 62-7, while slaughtering the Colts so thoroughly it would’ve made Caligula blush. It was probably the most disturbing event in recent football history that didn’t include the words “Michael Vick,” “rape stand,” “Ben Roethlisberger,” or “hotel maid.”

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This World Series Is Gonna Suuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Oct

18

by

X-Factor is getting pre-empted for this shit?!

What’s the only thing less inspiring than an Obama-Romney election? Why, a Texas Rangers-St. Louis Cardinals World Series of course! Yes, that’s right; despite what watching ESPN may have led you to believe, there are baseball teams other than the Yankees and the Red Sox. There’s even something called the “National” league – where pitchers hit! What type of Bizarro world shit is that?!

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Let The Jesus Freak Play!

Oct

11

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Tim Tebow: wrong about abortion, right for the NFL

I get why so many people hate Tim Tebow. The laziest explanation would be to simply say that it’s because of his Christianity, but that only tells half the story. After all, a ton of football players are religious, and sometimes they even blame God when they drop the ball. No, the problem is that Tim Tebow is a super-duper-mega Christian who smiles all the damn the time, and can’t go a minute without reminding us just how awesome Jesus is. You get the feeling that if you sat down with the guy, it would take him about 10 seconds for him to ask if you’d been saved.

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Hank Williams, Jr. Saves Us From Hank Williams, Jr.

Oct

04

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All meine rowdy friends are here for the Third Reich

As a football fan, you put up with certain things. For example, I know football is the most popular sport, and therefore the most lucrative for advertisers, so I happily grin and bear the commercial cavalcade that comes flying at my brain every Sunday from 1 to 11:30. Additionally, I happily put up with the week before the Super Bowl when everyone uses the hype as an excuse to blame football for everything from capitalist greed to domestic violence to the sun going away at night. I do this because as a football fan, I truly believe the product being presented to me is worth all the bullshit that comes with it.

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Six Plate Appearances From Glory

Sep

29

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Adam Dunn Sucks So Much He Can’t Even Suck Properly

If you listen to ESPN, or Sports Illustrated or any other sanctimonious den of sports whining, they’ll probably tell you that baseball records don’t matter anymore. They’ll place those records into two categories: the unbreakable (DiMaggio’s hit streak, Cy Young 511 wins), or the ones that were “tainted” by steroids in the ’90s (i.e. everything related to home runs). This year, however, Adam Dunn proved them wrong.

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Me Want Basketball

Sep

26

by

Down with worker rights!

The NBA season is supposed to start in five weeks, and I can’t take this shit anymore. The lockout started three months ago, and both sides persist in not getting anything done, and caring more about looking the good guys than whether or not anything actually gets done. It’s becoming very clear to me that neither side really cares if the season starts on time, and as someone who really enjoys watching muscular black men dribble on wood and put balls through holes, that really gets on my nerves.

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