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Never Forget 9/11…Hats

Sep

19

by
We were so damn close. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.
At least that’s how it looked.
Then, Bud Selig had to come along and fuck it up for everyone. If you don’t know, Bud Selig is the second worst commissioner sports, just behind Gary “Let’s Give Boca Raton A Hockey Team” Bettman. In addition to being the least powerful-looking powerful man in America (seriously, look at the guy – he’s your sad creepy uncle who doesn’t have enough self-confidence to molest you), Selig is the guy who looked the other way when every player in the league was turning into a mutant steroid monster (not that I’m judging – if you want shrink your balls so you can hit more home runs, more power to you), then suddenly started caring after every crybaby sports journalist started complaining about records being tainted.
This time, however, Selig is in the news because of hats. No seriously, hats! Specifically, the FDNY hats that the Mets wanted to wear during their 9/11 game. Apparently, Selig was trying to capitalize on sentimentality with his own special commemorative super-patriotic, America-fuck-yeah hat for the occasion (which costs 37 fucking dollars, by the way), and the Mets were totally screwing over his deal. First he banned the hats, then when somebody wore one in the dugout, he had his hired goons actually come and take them. Sheesh – dude is a Karl Rove level control freak. Especially since they’re just fucking hats!
Now, was this the wrong thing to do? Of course! The most important lesson of Good PR is Never Fuck Up Anything 9/11-related. If there’s one thing we Americans love, it’s sentimentality. If you tell a team they can’t wear their *sniff* hats to *sniff* commemorate the *sniff, wipe away tear* heroes who *blow mucus into tissue* fought and *starts completely bawling* died that day, you’re going to look like a moron.
More importantly, you’re going to give material to a ton of self-aggrandizing journalists who want to let everyone now just horrified, shocked, mortified, disgusted, whatever “I’m morally superior to this asshole”-type word you want to use, they are. Rather than just take this story for the goofy mini-freak show it is, everyone is making into the greatest injustice in the history of the world.
Take ESPN’s Matt Rubin who, evidently thinks the Mets should have said “hat chance” to the when the hats were taken away. Seriously, that’s what it says. Now, I’m writing this piece for free. If that guy gets a six-figure salary, I’ll fucking shoot myself. More importantly, he paints the Mets locker room as some type of war room. The decision of whether or not to wear the hat is treated like they were thinking about deciding if they should drop the A-bomb. Mets player rep Josh Thole is treated like he’s making Sophie’s Choice. The whole thing is ridiculous beyond belief and shows no perspective whatsoever.
Rubin also argues that the Mets should’ve just worn the hats anyway even after Selig threatened them. Why? Why should players lose money just to make a symbolic gesture than won’t bring anyone back to life? I’m not even saying it isn’t a nice gesture. Shit, if I was a firefighter I might think it was cool. But why give up thousands of dollars so just to wear a different itchy thing on your head for three hours?
This story is the all-too-common example of someone doing something stupid, and the other side looking even more stupid by how much they over-react to it. At the end of the day, a hat is nothing more than a hat. Selig was a being a control freak, and a dick, but the controversy as a whole was nothing to write home about. Frankly, it would be nice if we just did away with hats entirely. After, Men Without hats certainly believed that philosophy, and “Safety Dance” is more entertaining than the Mets have been all year.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig Launches Jihad Against America, Apple Pie, Your Mom

WE WERE SO DAMN CLOSE. Somehow, America had made it through the entire 9/11 anniversary weekend without any bullshit controversy working hack writers into a furious storm of fake outrage.

At least that’s how it looked.

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We Like Michael Vick Because He Runs Fast

Sep

12

by

And if Gaddafi could outrun a blitz, we’d like him too

BY JOHN HUGAR

After months of fretting that the NFL lockout would cancel football season, and cause the collapse of American civilization as we know it, it’s all been settled, and the 2011 regular season is under way. But while Bills fan are once again diluting themselves into thinking they actually have a shot at the playoffs, the rest of the pigskin world has a different concern; what to make of the Philadelphia Eagles’ herpes-ridden, dog-electrocuting, rape stand enthusiast Michael Vick.
The number of stories pointlessly pontificating about Vick has been ridiculous. From a glowing GQ profile that stopped just short of making him the second coming the Christ, and ESPN actually putting a white Michael Vick on their front page (which, even by their extreme publicity-whore standards, was moronic beyond belief), everyone wants to give the world their long, bloated opinion about Vick (including me, evidently).
Specifically, a ton of sportswriters want to let us know that it’s totally okay to like him now. He’s super-duper sorry about killing those dogs, and he double pinky swears he won’t do it again. Here’s the thing; I’m not judging those who want to root for Vick. With all the slaughtered animal carcasses I eat at McDonalds, I’d feel like a hypocrite if I did.
What bugs me all the useless attempts to moralize liking him. Look, we like the dude because he’s good at football. Period. The fact he can run fast is the only reason we’re even discussing this. I know this because when Vick first got out of the joint, he sucked beyond belief. He was useless even as a third-string quarterback, and he had all the mobility of Drew Bledsoe if he wore cement shoes. As a result, he existed quietly, and no one was writing bloated pieces letting us know just how tight Ron Mexico was with Jesus.
But now he’s playing well, and we want to enjoy it. The problem is, we feel bad about liking someone who brutally murders animals just because he’s good at his job. So we get these needless pieces about how Vick has changed. I’m not even saying he hasn’t. I don’t know the guy. I just don’t think it matters. Sports fans a long history of rooting for scumbags, why attempt to justify it now?
Just look at the Dallas Mavericks in this year’s NBA finals. Everyone was all-too-willing to forget that Jason Kidd, their washed-up starting point guard, is one of the most notorious wife beaters in sports. Why? Because everyone was too busy loathing the ultra-douchebaggery of Lebron James to remember or care.
The point is, if you’re a sports fan, and you want to root for a loathsome piece of shit, just do it. If you want to cheer for Vick, or Roethlisberger, or Kobe, or any other reviled sports villain, go ahead. Just don’t to justify it by telling me how different they are now. You’ll be a lot happier, and sports journalism will get a lot better.

After months of fretting that the NFL lockout would cancel football season, and cause the collapse of American civilization as we know it, it’s all been settled, and the 2011 regular season is under way. But while Bills fan are once again deluding themselves into thinking they actually have a shot at the playoffs, the rest of the pigskin world has a different concern: what to make of the Philadelphia Eagles’ herpes-ridden, dog-electrocuting, rape stand enthusiast Michael Vick.

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