"Totally coup, yo."

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BEAST HERO of the WEAK

Dec

16

by

Florida School Board Shooting Edition

***
No, we’re not talking about the Purse Lady. She’s an embarrassment. Her actions were both profoundly irresponsible and ineffective. She starts out good, hitting Clay Duke’s gun arm with her purse, but when it doesn’t work she immediately starts crying and falls to the ground in a pathetic heap. Sad, really.

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GOD HATES BILLS

Nov

29

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Super slow-mo video reveals God’s hand in Stevie Johnson’s last-second drop during the Bills heartbreaking loss to the Steelers.

Johnson responds:

JohnsonTweet

And a nervous nation awaits an end to the supernatural feud.

JOHNSON-GOD-TITLE



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Get-Mo!

Aug

05

by

The BEAST endures the awful ‘Get Motivated” seminar in Buffalo, NY. Speakers included Steve Forbes, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Montana and Colin Powell. In between the big names and God-talk, ass-hats tried to sell the crowd a $3,200 investment software package — you know, to get motivated!



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THE LORD CLOWN IS RISEN

Apr

20

by

A Beaster Miracle

BY IAN MURPHY

beaster***
N
o, it’s not immoral,” she hemmed. “But…”

“But, what?” I wondered, pinning my bright red fedora to the curly afro-wig. I checked my face paint in the side mirror and smiled.

“But,” she reflected, steering the wheel, “it is sort of mean.”

“Like teaching a small child that they’re going to hell?” I shot back. “Straighten up and fly right, Little Jimmy, or it’s Satan’s pitchfork—right in your ass—for all motherfucking eternity!” I illustrated by repeatedly stabbing the dashboard with my balloon-animal fish.

“OK!” she relented. “But what’s the point?”

I slapped my forehead and said, “It’s not that cryptic! What these people believe is a fucking joke. I’m dressed as a clown. What—what—what’s not to get?”

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