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Ghost-Enabling Landlords! Ted Nugent! Coked-Up Judges! And Why Astrologers Shouldn't Babysit!

Apr

20

by

So I’m back to doing a series of short news stories in this space. You should all just get used to there being no real consistent structure here. The best you can hope for is a focus on people doing and saying crazy things. So let’s get to it.

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Judge Downey Presiding

A Bolivian judge is defending his use of coca divination to guide his rulings. His defense is that he did not use this method to determine the precise sentences he gave out to guilty (maybe?) defendants. Apparently coca only helps to determine whether or not someone is guilty. When it comes time to dole out sentences, that’s the time to refer to reason and the rule of law.

Judge Gualberto Cusi didn’t exactly say that he ingested coca leaves – which would be a milder stimulant than the cocaine you’d buy from a dealer if you were into that sort of thing. He said he “consulted” them. Maybe there’s a translation issue here, but that sounds like something different from a judge drinking a cup of coffee to help them focus. But it also doesn’t sound like he’s doing rails in his chambers. It sounds more like how people would predict the future based on how a goat’s entrails splattered on a rock. Still, it’s not exactly clear just what this guy was doing when the coca was “guiding” him.

The BBC also reports that this Judge thinks coca helps him communicate with ”plants, animals, mountains and rivers.” Can you imagine serving time in a Bolivian prison because your judge was using coca leaves – we don’t know exactly how – to talk to rivers? What an asshole.

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If there’s one person who really should be thrown in prison by a coca-leaf divining judge, it’s Ted Nugent. No, not really. That was just a bad segue.

So The Nuge implied that he was gonna done shoot that there President Obammercare McBlackGuy if he won a second term. The Secret Service announced they would investigate the matter once Tra La La finished doing her thing in the back room. And then the mentally ill guy from Detroit did us all another favor and said this:

“I’m a Black Jew at a Nazi-Klan Rally.”

This is all very true, as long as you nix the part about him being a Black Jew. Can you think of anyone less Black and/or Jewish than Uncle-By-Marriage-Ted? And since he brings it up, how many people would look less out of place at a Nazi and/or Klan rally than Ted Nugent?

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A New Jersey couple is suing their landlord for renting them a house they claimed is possessed by demons. The landlord says that they are being dishonest and want to get out of their lease because they can’t afford the rent. But it could just as easily be that they’re just mistaken and gullible and maybe influenced a little by the fact that they’re living in the same town where the 1979 movie The Amityville Horror was filmed.

One disturbing trend I’ve noticed since I’ve started writing about this stuff regularly is how many people seem to be willing to take their beliefs about demons and ghosts and talking to plants into a court of law. But then I remember that most people who testify in court are under an oath they swear to some kind of deity that probably doesn’t even exist and it starts to make a little more sense.

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An astrologer in India advised a couple to bury their nine-day old infant in a pot under three feet of ground in order to give it a longer life. Somehow the baby lived. Probably some astrologer somewhere is saying that that proves they must have been on to something. Anyway, the parents and the astrologer are being charged with attempted murder.

This is a good one to remember to bring up the next time someone tries to tell you that Eastern religion and woo is all about peace and harmony. Sometimes when I start talking shit about astrology someone will try to refute my skepticism by saying that I was only criticizing western astrology and that the Indian model was just a different thing altogether. It looks like they’re right about that, just probably not in the way they intend.

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  • scooter

    Ted Nugent should have been arrested decades ago for being such a shitty guitar player. Thin weak tone, hackneyed cliche riffs, bubble gum composition and a general lack of imagination or skil. The Boy George of guitar bands. He didn’t have ballsy enough chops for a Michael Jackson duet.

    Now he’s dancing on the end of Big Brother’s dick, it’s the perfect end of a limp and soggy attempt at manhood.

    Thank you, sir. Can I have another!!!! Bwahahaha, what a puss.

  • JJ

    what’s a black jew?

  • http://vectorpress.blogspot.com Trevor

    @JJ,

    Sammy Davis, Jr.

  • JJ

    @Trever, Ted Nugent is a big dummy. Sammy Davis was pretty cool.

  • http://buffalobeast.com/?tag=caigoy-authors Mike C.

    Nuge is too busy being outrageously mediocre to notice that no one actually gives a fuck what he thinks about anything.

  • http://(none) Jimbob

    Ted Nugent had a song with good sentiment in “The Great White Buffalo”, but now he chooses to support the “white dogs who couldn’t see past their billfolds” in the Republican party. There are no Teddy Roosevelts running for the presidency today.

  • Jenny Elders

    Yeah, and how many Christian judges in the U.S. go back and “pray on” their sentencing decisions in their chambers?

    I’d be just as unhappy if they tripped their way to a verdict, but I’d understand it a little more.

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