"Totally coup, yo."

Damn Right!




Salahis should face death penalty


Oak Forrest

Good evening, I’m Forrest Oak.

Am I the only one who gets how seriously this Salahi situation could have been? Oh, and it was a situation, folks. Let’s not kid ourselves. It could have been worse than 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich.

Here we had two totally unscreened individuals – we don’t know if they’re right in the head, we don’t know if they’ll go for a dinner fork and stab Joe Biden in the hand, we don’t if their cuff links shoot poison gas, we don’t know if they’re Ninja Assassins, directed by James McTeigue – with access, in proximity, and next to, the President and the Vice President of the United States. Sure, nothing “happened” this time, but next time it could make 9/11 look like a kitten’s asshole.

I know people are saying: “But the Salahis went through a metal detector! The Salahis had no more opportunity to harm President Obama than do thousands of other folks, who happen to be at Joe Biden’s favorite unscheduled hamburger pit stop!” Don’t buy the hype here, people. This is just more of that moderate-wing bunk coming out of Washington these days. I’m fed up to here with it! (I’m pointing to my deeply furrowed brow.)

You know, America, it makes me sicker than a dog that ate wino vomit to hear these Big Government apologists, well, apologize for a failure that could have resulted in something far worse than Armageddon, starring Bruce Willis. Picture the horror with me, America: President Barack Obama and the First Lady Michelle move down the greeting line with gracious aplomb, their hands extended, their smiles are broad and dignified. The “Salahis” rip off their latex masks to reveal that they are, in fact,  Osama bin Laden and Ayman Al Zawahiri in disguise! “Allahu Akbar!” shouts Zawahiri as he pans toward Michelle. Secret Service agents go for their weapons. Shots rings out. Agents quickly cover the president and the first lady. The attackers are dead. But it’s too late. The trained King Brown snakes that were coiled inside Zawahiri’s beard have already shot as arrows, biting both the president and the first lady on the cheek. It’s a minor wound, but the King Brown, also known as the Inland Taipan in Australia, is the most venomous snake in the world. The first couple will be dead in minutes. So much for your metal detectors, people.

No, it’s not hard to imagine what might have been: turmoil, rioting, race wars, marshal law and profound national sadness that would sour a generation.

Picture it: Americans demand revenge, and we retaliate by bombing Pakistan, for harboring the two notorious terrorists. That country, still a smoldering ruin, faces a power vacuum and the extremist Pashtun seize control of the government in an unpopular coup. It isn’t long before Pakistan and their regional adversary India are firing nukes at each other over the Himalayas. Sensing an opportunity, North Korean madman Kim Jung Il annihilates Seoul. We nuke North Korea. Iran nukes Israel. Israel nukes everyone. The French nuke themselves. Russia retaliates. And it’s good night, nurse! Game over, people. We lose. Nuclear winter.

Billions of people are dead and our species is barely extant, all because two thrill-seeking, party-crashers weren’t barred at the door by a competent Secret Service. It’s a shame, don’t you think? Letting the Salahis live is as ridiculous a notion as the idea that a court in New York City is equipped to try terrorists simply because it has successfully done so in the past. Ha!

What we need now is swift justice, because the next time it WILL be as I’ve described above. Am I the only one who gets this?

Forrest Oak talks to himself on the subway.

  • theliteralist

    Aren’t the Pashtun an entire ethnic group?

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