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Dear Indianapolis Colts, Just Fucking Stop

Oct

25

by

Seriously, this is getting sad.

In sports, there are routs, there are blowouts, there are beatdowns, there are even a few eviscerations. Then there was all-out curb-stomping that the New Orlenas Saints laid on the Indianapolis Colts this past Sunday. They won by a score of 62-7, while slaughtering the Colts so thoroughly it would’ve made Caligula blush. It was probably the most disturbing event in recent football history that didn’t include the words “Michael Vick,” “rape stand,” “Ben Roethlisberger,” or “hotel maid.”

But what put the Colts, a team who’s won at least 10 games every year for the past nine seasons (and is now 0-7, already disqualified from potentially reaching that mark this year) in such a predicament. Well, they tried to play without Peyton Manning. It’s pretty much that simple. For 13 years, Manning has been the Colts unquestioned leader, and the Colts did nothing but win. Of course, it was never enough. No matter how much success the Colts had, the media still took every shot at Manning they could. Calling him a choke artist because he only had one ring, and telling us he threw too many interceptions.

Oh what fools, they were! As it turns out, #18 was the only thing holding that team together. The Colts without Manning are like the Doors without Morrison, Garfunkel sans Simon, al-Qaeda without Bin Laden; a pale shadow of their former selves who no one in the right mind would take seriously.

The most embarassing moment waws when replacement QB Curtis Painter (whose hairdo would embarass Brian Bosworth) tried performing the Peyton Manning Specialty – the hurried up audible at the lineup scrimmage. When Manning does it , it’s a marvel to watch. Sure, to the untrained eye it looks a potentially epileptic millionaire shouting random things at a bunch other less wealthy, non-epilepctic millionaires, but it almost always leads to a touchdown. Watching Painter try to execute it was like watching Paul Rodgers pretend to be Freddie Mercury on Queen’s godawful “reuinion” tour six years. It was a sad excursion that shouldn’t have taken place under any circumstances.

So now, the Colts are 0-7 and have entered what is known as the “Suck For Luck” sweepstakes, because the sports media will always grab the lowest-hanging fruit when it comes to humor. What this means is that they’re trying to lose as many games as possible, in the hopes that they can grab the first pick of the draft and take Stanford QB Andrew Luck. Of course, they’d never admit this, but the wretched play on display this past Sunday makes it pretty hard to deny. Without Manning, this team is better off losing, and they know it.

Which is why I have a suggestion for them; why not just quit. Look, there’s no way you could possibly be enjoying the massive turd you produce every Sunday, and there’s NO ONE who enjoys watching it. So just stop. Forfeit the rest of your games. You’re probably going 0-16 anyway, so why bother with the formalities?

Look, we’ve put up with a lot of awful seasons in recent years, like the Lions infamous 0-16 campaign in 2008, or the Raiders 2-14 campaign in 2006, where Aaron Brooks and Andrew Walter were so bad at quarterback that Michael J. Fox would’ve been a likely improvement (but not Curtis Painter, he sucks). No one enjoyed watching those seasons, and what the Colts are doing now is even worse because the games are actually on TV. A lot. No one knew Manning would be gone this long, or that the Colts would suck this much without him, so we’re stuck watching them stagger their way through primetime game after worthless, unwatchable primetime game.

There’s only one solution: just stop playing. You came pretty close to a lockout anyway, why not hangout with your wives for a few weeks? Oh right, they saw how much you suck without Manning and divorced you. Well, maybe take a nice vacation to one of those countries that doesn’t care about football. That would narrow your selection down to just about every country besides America, so you should be able to make something work. Whatever you do, just don’t set foot on the field until you have Manning, or Luck, or someone who can throw a fucking football. Please. Think of the children.

THE CHILDREN!

______________________________

  • Drunk Paisa

    I wonder if Manning faked his injury so that they could lock up the number one pick, draft Luck, groom him to take Manning’s place in a few years. You’re welcome.

  • Ryan

    This idea gets thrown around (no pun intended) at the office quite a bit: Peyton Manning for MVP. Look, if the award goes the player who’s most important to his team, is there any more empirical evidence we need? Everyone loves to fellate Tom Brady, but when his stick got snapped a few years back and Matt Cassell had to play QB, they were still very good. Take Manning out, and his team becomes bad on a surreal level. Throw a fake neck brace on PM, and have him accept the hardware on national TV. Would undoubtedly be the greatest moment in the history of sport.

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