"Totally coup, yo."

Emails from idiots

Jun

01

by

Pulp dreams

i love you. i even had a subscription when you were still into murdering trees (pussies!). please never stop. also, murphy, write a book or something!
<3333 always,
Evan

Murphy responds:

Dear Evan,
Thanks, but I’ve written two books, and I’m currently working on my third. I burned the first, because all the fictional details (character names, places, situations) kept coming eerily true in my real life. The second, a nonfiction work comprised of my BEAST adventures, was rejected by every publisher you can imagine. I’m sure with your support, Evan, that the third will be wildly successful.

You ignorant thwart!

You guys are full of shit and junk, for including MJ in your list for 3 different years. First off, he was not a pedophile and anyone who has done their research would know that. But I guess you are conceited enough to think you know more than the 12 jurors and the FBI. There was Jesus Juice but if you knew anything you would know that is how MJ drank wine on planes to keep his children from knowing he was drinking alcohol and the Arvizos obviously had been on his private jet with him. Knowing that MJ was not a pedo, I hope all that you have accused him of happens to you all and I hope no one gives you the benefit of the doubt. I also hope you get inflicted with vitiligo and lupus like he had. And what happened to Polanski and Elvis oh I forgot that they gets a pass from you simple on the basis that they are white. May the God that you dared to insult in one of your blogs punish you for all of this and show you that he really does exist.

And that line about MJ going to Africa because they are cheaper is just a low blow. You ignorant thwarts should educate yourself and do some research before spewing lies and venom about him and if you care so much about children why are you attacking him? After all the only victims now are MJ’s innocent children who will one day prove you wrong.

-Ibinabo Mubaka

Dear Ibinabo,
Way to stick up for the pedos. It takes a Pope’s integrity. Did Elvis diddle kids? Hmm. He did molest “Hound Dog” pretty thoroughly, so we already despise that  worm-eaten bacon depository. I mean, a couple of the ballads are OK, but if you can honestly listen to “Big Mama” Thorton’s original recording and then listen to Presley’s without wanting to dig him up and piss on him, as he did that song’s artistic integrity, then you’re probably an emotionless robot. But he’s been dead for a long while. Your boy-stroking, moon-walking and currently composting pill box was fresh meat, and American. Polanski’s a pedo, but he’s not that. And, you know, the white race can do no wrong or something.

FUN FACT: God’s fiction and children are cheaper in Africa!*


Genny Cream Ass

So I read your article on Genesee Cream Ale.  Many people outside the pathetic dying city of Buffalo actually like this beer as well as other beers produced at the brewery: Genesee, Genny Light, Gennese Bock, Gennesee Ice, Honey Brown, Dundee Craft beers.

Also, just so you know, Koch’s Golden Anniversary was actually acquired by Genesee after a Dunkirk NY (Buffalo metro) brewery went out of business.  So this was a beer that was contracted by the Rochester brewery and not an in-house beer.

If anyone in Buffalo had any sense they would actually support American Breweries an businesses.

Cheers,
Genesee Cream Ale

GeneseeCreamAle.com


Dear Mr. Cream Ale,
Your product gives people diarrhea. We blame it on the cream. Your product tastes like the chilled piss of a monkey, who drank the piss of a man, who drank a skunked Coors, which was pissed in at the bottling plant, per Coors quality assurance protocol.  The American consumer, quite reasonably, would rather buy a foreign brew that won’t make them Genny cream their pants. Nationalism has its limits, Mr. Ale.


50 – Love

Hi.  I live in the UK and have just stumbled across your website by accident while looking for some online stuff about Bill O’Reilly, the man with two arseholes.  Love the site, love the ’50 most loathsome’ list though I don’t get all the references, but I’m puzzled as to why Bill O doesn’t make it every year and why he’s not higher up the lists he features in.  I can only guess it’s the stiff competition!  Limbaugh, Coulter, and my personal favourite, Fred Phelps to name but a few.

I’ve just added your site to my bookmarks – keep up the good work!

-Ian Flanagan

Dear Mr. Flanagan,
Are you the Ian Flanagan who upset Mark Philippoussis in the first round of the ’04 Stella Artois Championship at the Queen’s Club? If you are, it really makes the title for this. Anyways, O’Reilly and all the other usual suspects just bore us at this point. He probably should have been on there this year but, you know, it gets tiresome saying a demagogic shit-stain stinks of lies. Let us just add that Fred Phelps is a homosexual.


From the department of too few complaints

It would be nice to see a comments section in some of your controversial articles.  Having a half-baked idiot like Ian Murphy writing for you, I think I know why you do not. Freedom of speech for your writers, not your readers.  Makes for a way that your child molested children of writers can vent their rages against humanity with no responce.. Nice move
Tdgeddes@gmail.com


Murphy responds:

Dear Tdgeddes@gmail.com ,
Yes it would be. Life’s just not fair. You have no freedom of speech. None.

And yes, it’s true, I am a child and, yes, I was recently molested by children. Thanks for opening those horrible wounds.

I mean, is this all we get emails about anymore? You people have something on your mind? These letters have more projection than a movie shown on John Goodman’s neck. [Take that, John Goodman's neck!] Seriously, though, you people have some disturbing urges you need to talk to someone about? The police? The FBI? Chris Hansen? Good, I just sent them all your letters.

Anyway, that shit is old news. It predates our clunky web redesign and, therefor, our comments section. Meaning, I’d have to copy it from the old html format into a new css post thingy, which would take a good six minutes. That’s six minutes of my life right there. Besides, I’ve done that with some of the older stuff, but if I leave the comments active all we get is links to boner pills that read “Love your take on this!” and “I have also been having these thoughts also.” Most blogs cut comments sections off after a couple weeks, because of spam, and I did the same. Conveniently, it also silences morons like you, who can’t understand the concept of freedom of speech.

In our past paper format, we gave all my critics a voice in our letter to the editor section called [sic]. In our current bloggy format, we’ve retained this section to occasionally berate our detractors and delight our international fan-base. Next time I write something moronic and controversial, you’ll be free to fart through your keyboard with the other post-normal scientists out there, for about three weeks. So there’s your freedom of speech.

However, as editor of this here BEAST, I retain the right to censor your comments at any time. It’s our website, man. What don’t you people get about this? Maybe you post something containing an al Qaeda strike code, or worse:


Socialist trashtopia

Hello
I enjoyed your article on dumpster diving. I especially enjoyed the canadian angle as I reside in Edmonton, AB Canada.  I was wondering where you go to get your best finds, and what your legal $1000 dumpster find was. I was thinking about starting to dive and was looking for good places to do it for profit.
Thanks very much.
Will Dixon
Please email me back.

Thanks!


Dear Will,
No.


Another unsatisfied customer

Seriously.  Where is The Beast?  How hard is it to update what is essentially a blog?  My little sister has a blog more frequently updated than this.  I NEED my Beast.

Yeah, but your sister’s blog blows. She’s always censoring her readers!


BEASTalgia

Hi I enjoyed your paper when i used to see it, at news stands.  I have not seen it in some time, is it only available online or is it still available in print?
-Lee Spengler

Dear Lee,
First, buy a printer. Now, we are in print.


* Not as cheap as Southeast Asia, but still a bargain.

[We received a ton of emails since last posting, but between a girlfriend-caused computer crash and a server issue, most were lost forever : ( ]

  • Peter

    I’m baffled that Piels “beer” was not included in the article concerning shit beer. Piels is possibly the worst tasting horrid swill I’ve ever had the misfortune of drinking…Pabst Blue Ribbon is up there as well …as disgusting as Miller High Life may be it’s like Guiness draft compared to these two concoctions

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