"Totally coup, yo."

Frank Luntz's Top Ten Tips For Institutions Facing Sexual Abuse Scandals

Dec

06

by

SYRACUSE, NY — The National Collegiate Athletic Association met this weekend in New York to give college sports faculty and coaches a chance to coordinate, strategize, and molest young boys. But during a session on Saturday, one question kept coming up: How can they do a better job of talking to the public about how they routinely molest young boys?

The BEAST sat in on the session, and counted 10 do’s and don’ts from Luntz covering how college sports should fight back.

1. Don’t say ‘pedophile.’

“I’m trying to get that word removed and we’re replacing it with either ‘child-lover’ or ‘priestly individual,’ ” Luntz said. “The public . . . still prefers pedophiles to atheists, but they think pedophiles are probably atheists anyway. And if we’re seen as defenders of quote, Institutionalized Pedo Street, end quote, we’ve got a problem.”

2. Don’t say that the coach ‘rapes children.’ Instead, tell them that the coach ‘stands behind children.’

“If you talk about a coach that rapes children,” the public responds negatively, Luntz cautioned. “But if you talk about a coach that stands behind children, the public says OK. Raping, the public says no.”

3. Never say ‘National Collegiate Athletic Association.’
“Association contains the word ‘Ass’,” warned Luntz. “Make people think of ass,” they’ll remember how you bugger children. “Just say NCAA.” If they ask what that stands for shout, “Excellence!” and say you have a phone call.

4. Don’t talk about ‘forced sodomy.’ Talk about ‘a friend who’s totally got your back.’

“Everyone in this room talks about ‘forced sodomy,’” Luntz said. “Watch this.”

He then asked everyone to raise their hand if they want to be “forcibly sodomized.” Few hands went up. Then he asked who wants a “friend who’s totally got your back.” Almost every hand was raised.

“So why are we talking about forced sodomy?”

5. Never call Bob Costas.

“It’s not about ineptly defending yourself,” Luntz said, “which you apparently will.” It’s more that Bob Costas “looks very much like a small child and people might get the wrong idea.”

6. Don’t ever say you’re ‘The Roman Polanski’ of college sports.

“If you talk about being ‘the Roman Polanski of college sports,’ they’ll say you’re an overrated monster. You don’t want that. Replace that with ‘Steven Spielberg.’ It means the same thing. But ‘Spielberg’ only molests children’s minds.”

7. The three most important words you can say to silence a victim: ‘I get it.’

“First off, here are three words for you all: ‘I get it.’ . . . ‘I get that you’re ashamed. I get that you’re an immoral boy-slut. I get that by getting into that shower you were practically begging for it.’”

He then instructed, if you can’t shame the victims into silence, buy them flowers. “Flowers always work!”

8. Out: ‘Sexual Predator.’ In: ‘Misguided soul’
Use the phrases “man is a frail vessel” and “he’s a misguided soul” instead of “sexual predators” and “perverts.”

9. Don’t ever ask anyone to ‘fetch me a taught boy.’

“There isn’t an American today in November of 2011 who will ‘fetch you a taught boy’. If you tell them that, they’re going to be beat you senseless with clubs. You ask them to ‘bring in-need youth to your charity.’ They’ll drive you vulnerable kids by the busload.”

10. Always blame Hollywood.

Tell them, “You shouldn’t be mad at college sports, you should be mad at Hollywood. You should blame Lady Gaga because she did this!” If that doesn’t work, pondered Luntz, “Point and scream, ‘Look over there!’ and then run really fast the other way.”

  • Friza

    2 from behind jokes so far, and a random ” in #3.

    that was pretty much a super brief what not to say.
    not to mention the repetitiveness of the whole thing.

    D-

  • Big Bud

    Epic. On that “Fuck The Troops” level. Hope Luntz and the rest of the right throw a hissy fit over it.

  • http://chronicle.su Frank Mason

    I wish I could be this funny.

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