Election Night Livebloggering with The BEAST
We have just returned from Carl Paladino’s VICTORY party. It was at the Hyatt here in downtown Buffalo. The gatekeepers repeatedly denied our demands for all access passes, so Murphy just strolled into the VIP room anyway. Bunting waited outside, expecting to see a team of security escorting Murphy to the curb outside, but he just left after wandering around and being bored. Free pizza/beer.
On our second round, Fox announced that Andrew Cuomo had defeated our hero by over a 3:1 proportion. Immediate after this flashed across the bottom of the giant screen of talking heads, a local Republican functionary announced that another local Republican functionary had won her race for some statewide office nobody gives a fuck about against her opponent, Nobody McNamelessman. We left because it was boring and returned and now we are HERE watching the election results.
Bunting just called Alvin Greene on Skype to find out what he was wearing. The candidate’s brother eventually got him on the line after a little badgering, but Greene hung up before we even got to the heavy breathing. Ted Angle did not pick up his cell phone, as he’s probably busy with something or other. We are on beer number 6.
Jon Stewart is on the teevee interviewing some guy and Alvine Greene is projected to lose, which is obviously a sign of voter fraud. Feingold is projected to lose and please don’t get me started. We will now again try to contact someone on our list of potential prank call candidates before Eric Cantor issues a subpoena to stop this liveblog immediately pending a Congressional investigation.
Beer # 12. Chuck Todd’s goatee is the Devil’s Playground, according to sources.
We called Ted Angle, again, but his voicemail picked up. We also called David Brooks. He didn’t pick up either. The Black Panthers are making us liveblog. We plan on suing Barack Hussein Obama.
If anyone wants to play along at home, Ted Angle’s phone number is 775-636-1491. Have fun! Beer #18.
It’s Josh again, you guys gotta help me. Murphy is forcing me to make fun of the elections at gunpoint. I’m hoping to get him drunk enough to let his guard down, but in case that doesn’t work please CALL THE POLICE.
Obama is now being evicted from the White House. Sarah Palin will be sworn in immediately and every American will be issued a free advance copy of George W Bush’s memoirs. Please read it FOR FREEDOM.
22 beers. You don’t know me.
It looks like Prop 19 will fail which is like totally weak, man. So did Denver’s extraterrestrial affairs commission. Have fun getting eaten by our future alien overlords, Broncos fans!
Carl Paladino is on the teevee threatening all of WNY with a baseball bat. Eugene Robinson is ready to send him to Gitmo for his terrorist concession speech.
A British woman is talking on CNBC. Where are all the teabaggers who will stop her from spreading pro-George III propaganda? The Redcoats are coming!
Joe Sestak: “There’s something…” He is now blaming his failure on his lazy staff. Soon he will feed each of them to a pit of rabid lions as an example, but not before his Indigo Child stops interrupting his concession speech.
Eugene Robinson sounds like he swallowed Fozzy Bear.
Beer number: Thorty.
It looks like Harry Reid managed to defeat a batfuck crazy challenger, so now it is time to commence with the Second Amendment Remedies (n.b. The Second Amendment Remedies is actually the name of the ska/punk band Harry Reid hired for his victory party).
Eugene Robinson: “Waka waka-waka!”
Bill Richardson will now deport Meg Whitman back to EBayistan, where her kind belongs.
Olbermann is hitting on Rachel Maddow. At least now maybe she’ll settle down with a nice human sportscaster guy.
Murphy is passed out on the floor, and I’ve been throwing tomatoes at him in honor of Eugene Robinson. It’s about time to end this madness. See you next time, and may God/the Republicans have mercy on your soul.