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Jun

11

by

Or: What I Learned at the Sex Convention

Dating Advice

Last weekend, I abused my “media credentials” to get into the Everything To Do With Sex Show at Scotiabank Convention Center in Niagara Falls (Canada Side). And though I tried desperately to find a Story, I have to shamefully admit that I got nothin’.  So, in order to justify the $40 or so bucks I shelled out for gas, tolls, parking, and overpriced convention beer, here is a quick rundown of Sex Convention snippets – followed by some free porn.

10) Sadly, “Sex Convention” does not mean “Filthy Den Full of Hookers and Debauchery.” Which was the only fucking reason I went.

9) “Sex Convention” actually means “A Bunch of Booths Selling Vibrators.”

8) There are probably a ton of people out there living with the shame of having slept with Sex Show MC and “Canadian Assman” Uncle D.

7) While I was nervous that I’d consumed alcohol before crossing the border, I learned that if you tell the Border Patrol Agent that you are attending a “Sex Convention” and the only things you are taking with you are “a notebook and, like, some other stuff,” they will let you through without hassling you or searching your vehicle. Smugglers, take heed.

6) The convention attendees weren’t a bunch of degenerate swingers (as I had anticipated). It was mostly middle aged couples trying to “rekindle the flame” and groups of 30-year-old provincial girls in designer jeans who probably think that they “get so crazy” when they go out with their “bitches” but the craziest thing they do is drink slightly too much vodka-cranberry and go home with the sucky, tribal-tattooed dudes who beat them at darts.

5) American Border Patrol Agents are about the same as their Canadian counterparts. Even if you tipsily blast through the stop sign before the booth, all they really do is give you sterner looks and take slightly longer before they stupidly let you through.

4) Given the amount of typos and grammatical errors in the press materials I received beforehand, I don’t think it was entirely out of line for me to assume that this convention would actually be a “Filthy Den Full of Hookers and Debauchery.”

3) I attended an informational seminar about “The Lifestyle” (Swinging). Turns out, modern Wife-Swapping came about amongst American Air Force pilots who forged deep interpersonal bonds in the face of high mortality rates during World War II. So yeah, you learn something new every day.

2) I’d probably name drop some of the vendors if I’d’ve gotten more free stuff. That’s journalism.

1) Up For Grabs: The event organizers were handing out promotional gift cards for various porn websites, and since I love you – The Reader – so much, I’m going to list the download codes below. You’re welcome. Just do me a favor and picture Ian Murphy’s face as you bring yourself to a gross, sweaty climax.

hotmovies.com/card

3887-4672-4992-8209

3887-4766-2525-5114

3887-4674-9980-9049

3887-4673-4482-3581

cam4.com/goldpromo

2865 / vj5pc

2866 / kufcy

2867 / nx7z4

2930 / phk1m
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  • http://youtu.be/KlKKHPpM1Cg joe dixon

    “picture Ian Murphy’s face as you bring yourself to a gross, sweaty climax.”

    So my usual fantasy then?

  • noooo

    All the codes for hotmovies.com have been used up! Probably by the same person! Fuck! How dare you dangle the porn carrot in front of our faces only to yank it away at the moment of sweet anticipation! I actually had some videos picked out and was ready to go! I demand Murphy come over and jerk me off himself for wasting my time and not wasting my sperm!

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