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Gay Brands Are Gay

Jun

26

by

Homosexual Oreos Make Me Puke

It’s happened again. Another trusted American brand has threatened the sanctity of marriage. How dare you, Oreo cookies? And to think that I used to put you in my mouth!

The Supreme Court just upheld Citizens United and smacked down labor fundraising, and they’re likely to end the tyranny of health care on Thursday. It’s bad enough the Obamerment is forcing me to go on man-dates…et tu, Oreos?

This is truly disturbing. No, really. It represents the casual worst of corporate America and its liberal media cheerleaders. Slap a pandering rainbow on your product, or hire a lesbian comedienne as a spokesperson, and the American consuming public collectively agrees that you, like, really give a shit.

Well, as was the case with J.C. Penney, the most superficial research reveals that Kraft Foods, the hypocritical folks who make Oreos, donates quite a bit of money to backward Republican assholes who think that love requires a man with a penis and his vagina-having counterpart. But you shouldn’t say “vagina.” That’s gross.

The first anti-gay marriage dickwad who pops up as a recipient of Kraft’s largess is Bill Shuster (R-PA). He’s no friend to teh gays. In the current 2012 election cycle, Kraft has donated about $160,000 to federal candidates — roughly half of whom are the aforementioned backward Republican assholes. But just as J.C. Penney hilariously informed/threatened “The Daily Beast,” Kraft isn’t spending this money to directly oppress homosexuals. They’re spending money on all sorts of unrelated bottom-line interests — likely continuing corn subsidies, fighting GMO labeling, and reelecting politicians who smear Michelle Obama for planting an organic vegetable garden.

So, yeah. There’s corporate money. And then there’s the corporate mouth. They tend not to put their money where their mouth is. I wouldn’t either. You don’t know where that money’s been.

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  • Scooby

    Not sure what’s lamer… That people are angry about a rainbow cookie or that we look to cookies for political statements nowadays.

    P.S. Your a fucking cookie! GET IN MY BELLY!

    …And Kraft obviously knows that the obese southern demographic is dying from… Well oreos, so they have to switch to the more affluent gay community while holding steady with non bigots.

    And while it seems like a smart move it’s all so tiring……

  • http://www.facebook.com/siefertma Mark A. Siefert

    And to add to the hilarity, if you point out Penny’s and Kraft’s GOP contributions to other supposed “liberals,” you are shouted down as a everything from a “buzzkill” to not really caring about gay rights. Anyway, they seem to care more about a public pronouncement of tolerance from these tools than any actual private hypocricy.

    As much as a racist, slut-shaming, asshole Rush Limbaugh is, he may have been right about liberals ( or, rather, what laughably passes for a Left-wing in America) preferring “symbolism over substance.”

    • http://twitter.com/mdcaigoy Michael Caigoy

      As opposed to what, Mark? Rush makes bank pouring symbols, in the form of words, into the background noise of the culture, so he can guzzle Oxy and get the gayest musician to play his wedding. The common thread is ornamental ideology thrown onto crass opportunism like a horse blanket. There may be loons out there one could respect for their sincerity, but Rush ain’t one of them. In fact, most people aren’t. They just do whatever seems the prevailing trend, and is close enough to what their dumb-ass parents taught them that they don’t have to reconsider anything.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001143606981 Doc Noah

    Just what I wanted, the vision of hairy dykes and dicks buggering while having cookies and milk.

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