"Totally coup, yo."

Going Rogue in Rochester

Nov

30

by

A BEAST EXCLUSIVE!

Confessions of Sarah Palin’s would-be Egger
By “Mr. Egg-thrower”

When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. –George Carlin

Last night I was arrested, handcuffed and placed in the back of a squad car for the first time. My crime: I threw an egg at Sarah Palin’s book signing in Rochester, NY. Why had I gone rogue? I shall explain.

November 21, 2009, 9:00 pm—I am drinking beer, processing low-grade champagne and relaxing with the wife. I am preparing to immerse myself in the sweetly escapist World of Warcraft. The local news is playing in the background, and I’m not paying it much attention. Soon, however, I hear the names Palin and Henrietta Borders. My heart jumps when reporters reveal that Sarah Palin is in Rochester, signing her putrescent drivel, just 10 minutes from my home! They show a smiling throng of Palin supporters lined up to meet Caribou Barbie herself. One woman is dressed as a lookalike of Palin: Imagine Tina Fey, only older and not quite right. The reporter interviews this doppelganger, who mutters something incoherent (I suppose she was “in character”) and they move on to cover the anti-Palin protest. A lone shot of a handful of shivering hippies is dismissed with several words from our intrepid reporter.

My mind races. The event is slotted from 6-9 pm. Will it go over time? What can I do, and will my actions actually mean something? I think back to earlier in the day, when I read an article about Palin’s most recent lie about health care reform. It seems that on top of having “death panels” to kill Grams, Comrade Obama wants to imprison real Americans who refuse to buy insurance. I would have shrugged this off as so much political bologna if I had not been pondering a report in the American Journal of Public Health (Vol. 99, No. 12). This Harvard study linked lack of health insurance to 44,789 deaths per year. That is to say, in the last year, fifteen times as many Americans died due to lack of health insurance as died in the September 11th attacks. To make matters worse, America has over 8 million uninsured children. I’ve been fuming over this for months, and today I see her lies gaining ground, right here, where I live. In my mind, her demagoguery aimed at blocking health care reform may lead to thousands of preventable deaths. Sometimes a lie is more dangerous than a bullet.

Now the internal debate begins: Why didn’t you, uninformed, crappy citizen, hear about this sooner? Go get dressed and move your ass to the protest…but it’s probably over and I should stay here warm with wife, beer and Warcraft… Gah! But what if Palin is still here? This is potentially a crucial moment. What kind of a man are you!? What would your ancestors think? My mind pans to what I remember of American history— American colonists assembling to throw snowballs at British soldiers, an event that led to the Boston Massacre. What if those people had been too lazy and comfortable to get out in the cold to raise some hell? We’d probably already have universal health care like Canada and Australia. And slavery would have ended much sooner. Things might not be that bad, actually. But if the likes of Palin and Glenn Beck can wrap their stupidity in patriotism, then so can I, dammit! I throw on some clothes, kiss the missus and reach for the nearest projectile weapon: a free-range, organic egg. Like some half-assed, disheveled minute man, “musket” in hand, I shoot out to my car and gallop down the road to Borders Books.

I park behind an Uno’s Pizza joint and make my way on foot. Hmm… no deluded zealots, and no patchouli-soaked hippies. Am I too late? I march past the door. The place is a wretched mess. Many people are milling about, but it seems like the end. There’s a news van outside and a woman appears to be giving an interview. I ask a clerk what happened here. “Sarah Palin” was her response. I ask if she’s gone. “Yes.” I’m only minutes late. My hand goes for the egg in my pocket. “I’m sorry I missed her,” I say. In one motion, the egg is out and I’m pitching it full force at a pyramid of Palin books. In slow motion I see the oblong, white missile fly true towards its mark. The egg loudly smashes into Palin’s grinning, idiot face, and chicken menses  splatters the entire pyramid.

The throng is silent. I scan the crowd with what I hope was a look of utter contempt. I turn and calmly walk away. About 20 yards out, I hear the clomping of feet. Three men are after me. “Hold on there!” one shouts. I stop. They identify themselves as police. I scan a badge and see that the cop is from some town out in the boonies. These were off-duty cops from Real America© who were volunteering to work crowd control. In fact, the place had been swarming with off-duty police.

After a short legal discussion about jurisdiction, local police are summoned. We wait in front of Borders. To their credit, my captors are gentlemen. Coming from the Bronx, I am prepared to be cursed and maybe roughed up a bit, but these are okay chaps. A reporter comes over to ask the coppers about the number of people attending the event and I draw his attention to the fact that I am being arrested for what I’m calling an act of patriotism. He shrugs and I see that the van reads “Fox News” on its side. Damn! He’s writing some nonsense about controlling the crowds and I tell him to put at the end, “one guy from the Bronx threw an egg.” He grins and humors me by scribbling something in his pad. I try to reach him with something impassioned, reminding him that people are suffering while Palin spreads insidious lies about health care. The comfortable, soft, pale, little fellow turns his back and walks away.

Next, a small herd of people gather around me. A black woman, whom I thought to be a reporter when I saw her in Borders, is front and center. Maybe she’ll take my story and turn this sad and ridiculous fiasco into something worthwhile. Wrong. Each of the crowd is holding Palin books, including my imagined African American savior. They are pissed Palin pals, and apparently, I’d gotten them with egg. The woman complains that she was up since 3 am for Sarah, and now she has to change her clothes. I receive multiple dirty looks and lectures. I graciously offer to pay their dry cleaning bills, but they represent the Party of No and predictably rebuff my generosity. I give them my reasons, and they warn me not to believe the “lame media” conspiracy against Sarah. To them, any facts are mere fabrications of a media conspiracy. We are no longer able to reason together, as they’ve discarded rational thought as a trapping of liberalism. I’m lucky Sarah’s not here, they vaguely threaten. I imagine a helicopter swooping out of the sky and a crazed, grinning Palin blasting me with a high-powered rifle, like so much helpless endangered wildlife.

Newsmax

Thankfully, officers from the county Sheriff arrive and the crowd disperses. I am cuffed, my belongings confiscated and I’m placed in the back of his squad car. The back of a squad car is very constricting and, I believe, designed to make you feel uncomfortable and under control. The funny thing is that I no longer care. Officers come to take info and we chat a bit. I give them my political spiel, and we chat about Rochester and my work here. They leave and I’m left to stew in the squad car. A station wagon sidles up, so that two old hags can judge me. I give them my million dollar smile and they drive away confused. The police officer returns and he gives me my medicine: I damaged over $800.00 worth of books and this is apparently serious. I think on it: forever to be branded as a criminal, possibly screwing up a hard-earned career, and all for something as trivial and pointless as defacing some books. I still don’t care. As ridiculous a gesture as hurling the egg was, I can still look at my face in the mirror with some degree of self-respect.

As it turns out, I am lucky not to have to face any legal consequences. The officer works it out with the Borders management so that I can pay for the damaged property and they’ll drop the charges. In tallying the cost of my deed, the policeman explains that in addition to most of the stock of Palin books, I also egged several copies of a biography by the late comedian George Carlin. This raises the event to the level of high comedy, and the kindly officer and I share quite a chuckle. I enter Borders, receive lectures from a manager about how Borders is “apolitical” and has a noble mission to “educate” the masses. She also lectures me on her disapproval of violence. Underneath it all, I think she is sympathetic, as she cuts me a 40% discount on the books and even smiles when I joke about not having a Borders Rewards card.

The final punishment comes from the Borders regional manager. I am now forbidden from all Borders stores and may be arrested if I enter one of their properties. The officer pats me on the back, saying “come on, Mr. Egg Thrower.” I leave the store broke, but not broken. We exchange a hearty handshake and I promise to continue promoting health care reform through legal channels. I drive home contemplating my front row seat in the freak show that I love and call home.

GOINGROGUE

  • Gina

    You’re making up crap about Palin’s writings (no direct quotations on the “imprisoning” bit, I notice), comparing yourself to the Minute Men, and throwing eggs, and you’re calling her supporters “deluded zealots”? Pot, say hello to kettle.

  • http://toddyarling.tumblr.com/ todd yarling

    Is this what they meant by ‘the worst are full of passionate intensity?’

  • Bosk

    Wow, you’re so brave! Throwing eggs at books written by a private citizen is so Boston tea-partyish.
    That’s it! You’re one of those tea-baggers we hear about on the news aren’t you?

  • Ziggy

    “We are no longer able to reason together, as they’ve discarded rational thought as a trapping of liberalism.”

    You chuck an egg as a means of expression and THEY ‘ve discarded rational thought????

    You parody yourself, Skippy. You parody yourself.

  • SUSAN

    I am personal friends with that African-American woman that got egg yolk all over her suit because of your immaturity.
    She was kind enough not to press charges against you, but you are too small of a human being to even feel any shame.
    Sir, I hope you know that your childish actions make Obama AND his supporters appear petty and shallow.

  • barracuda78

    Hey I was at the book signing with the Queen, I was with a bunch of protestors , you can go to themudflats.net and get involved in all the Alaskan goings on, this site will lead to others, be part of the action, don’tet miss quittypants get to ya…..barracuda78

  • laura g

    You are a real Patriot. Thank you. You made your statement, you didn’t hurt anyone, and you paid for the books.

    If Palin wasn’t trying to kill Americans by lying about healthcare, people wouldn’t be so enraged by her.

    She also let over 250 people die in her state, due to her mismanaging the state run Medicare Program, to the extent that the feds had to come in and shut it down. Over 250 elderly people died waiting for care due to Palin.

    When she spoke about death panels, I just assumed she was confessing.

    She spreads lies about the President and stirs up divisiveness and violence (Holocaust shooter was a big Palin fan, e.g.).

    Thank you for your service. Your wife must be proud:-)

    Laura

  • stace

    Mr. Eggthrower, you are deluded. You should know that the study you cite for the 44,789 number is bogus. It’s been debunked repeatedly. So your illegal vandalism and attempted assault was based on a false premise and has no excuse.

    http://www.americanthinker.com/2009/10/45000_uninsured_deaths_just_mo.html

    Even the studies authors admit they didn’t verify what the cause of death was, or even if the deceased had insurance at the time of death. You’re young, but you need to learn about the dangers of politicized studies and their poor methodologies.

  • Keirnan

    Dear Mr. Egg Thrower,

    Bravo! You are a real American in the best sense of the word. It’s so amusing that the folks who claim to be the REAL Amerikans are those who are determined to stifle free speech and expression unless it follows their limited ideology and false idol. As for the “lady” who was spattered by egg yolk, a laundry tip – just “Shout” it out and spare us the false outrage.

    Thank you dear sir. All rational beings thank you too.

  • Witness

    Hey, [name redacted] (aka Egg Thrower),

    Yeah, i know your WHOLE NAME and if you think your actions are justified, why are you so concerned about your “career”–why don’t you tell your bosses about your great, valiant act against an inanimate book? Can’t even PUT YOUR NAME down on your own work?? Such cowardice! I knew it, but even with that fact alone, Palin is so much better than you.

    I was there with that “group” of Palin supporters, and already I see a LIE in your story. I know for a fact that I was not carrying a Palin book, and most of us had put it away (mine were safe in my car) when it was signed. So no, not “each in the crowd” carried a book. Tsk, tsk, so loose with facts. Maybe a bunch of these so-called reasons for your action are lies, too. Maybe you’re just crazy and projecting your craziness incorrectly on those you’d categorize as crazy right-wingers, huh? When in reality you have mental issues.

    But I did give you those reproachful looks because think about it…while Palin was productive and positive, you DESTROYED PROPERTY THAT WAS OWNED BY THE STORE. You can talk in a deluded manner as if your mission was a great act. But tell me, when you destroy a BOOKSTORE’S property and didn’t EVEN mention your reason for your protest (you only said “I’m sorry I missed her” to the few who were at the store and didn’t elaborate), what positive act (or educational moment, if your deluded mind would call it that) did you bring to the world? Nothing but something broken and rotten, like you are.

    So it was NOT any reasonable argument or protest that you did. No, you were no hero for your cause–you didn’t even have a message. Just a pathetic act of vandalism. Are you better than what you claim to protest? Nope, in that, you are the bad person. Your actions are the bad actions. You are the antithesis of Sarah Palin, and you’ve shown yourself and others like you to be the villains.

  • Gwen

    It’s nice to know such “dignified”, “rational” leftwing dingbats are on the East Coast. Please stay there. Conservative men have soooo much more manners, honor, dignity than you. You, Sparky, sound like a well-educated, reasonable man……yep…illmannered, third graderish idiots like you, Mr. Eggchucker got us in the political mess we are in now. Pelosci has often referred to the tea-party attendees as “Astroturf” and said she hasn’t seen anything like this violent since the LA riots. (Really diplomatic there, Nancy) I guess your little junior high antics would make you “Barnyard” and I haven’t seen anything that stupid since my cousin egged a roadsign in 4th grade. Bragging about it reflects your lack of intelligence, Sparky.

  • James

    so, this piece of shit brags about this…
    give us his name so this brave dolt can see if he is so willing to be egged himself…. but I guarantee you he is a chickenshit and will hide like the little pussy he is…

  • ella

    While I cannot condone throwing the egg, I totally understand your frustration. To hear the account at
    the Palin fan site (conservatives4palin), one would think you fired a bullet. Very dramatic
    account over there by Adriene Ross (Sarah’s token black supporter). May I also suggest that
    we just throw words at her – words of truth about her numerous lies and delusions. Andrew Sullivan
    did so brilliantly last night on the Joy Behar show.

  • Tom

    I applaud you ! However everytime she opens her mouth she has egg on her face .Check the Alaskan Blogs for the truth,its eye opening.

  • mari

    too bad you were too late……………..

  • Robert

    You sir are a MORON. there I said it. You have the Right to act like an idiot, and I have the Right to call you a MORON.

    Yes, I am proud to be a ” Deluded Zealot”

  • http://massbackwards.blogspot.com Bruce

    Let’s recap.

    You go to a book signing for the sole purpose of assaulting the book’s author with eggs.

    Disappointed to have missed your opportunity to do assault her in person, you throw eggs at the book she wrote and call her an idiot.

    You then assumes that an African American woman in the crowd will be on your “side” and rescue you from the herd of irrational neanderthals because, well, her skin is the same color as the president’s skin.

    This is followed by the implication that Sarah Palin hunts endangered species from helicopters.

    And, you’re going to lecture the world on how to think rationally??????????

    Wow.

    Just wow.

    You are a sad, little person.

  • http://massbackwards.blogspot.com Bruce

    “She spreads lies about the President and stirs up divisiveness and violence…”

    You need to stop breaking the pills in half.

    This is like saying that rape victims are the one’s out there “stirring up” violence against women.

    I note that, like so many other childlike Sarah Palin haters, your personal attacks on her include NO FACTS whatsoever to back up your assertions.

    It must be burning you up inside to see a strong, beautiful, independent woman being so successful in life. Your president is bankrupting our country and kowtowing to every third world Marxist who knocks on his door, and you can’t stop obsessing over this woman.

    I hope you people get the counseling you are so desperately in need of.

  • ginny

    I’m not really sure you accomplished anything, but all in all, it was pretty funny. At least you didn’t aim to hit anyone, like the idiot tomato-thrower in MN.
    And I was happy to read it was an organic egg. :-)

  • Nailin’ Palin

    That took guts…if Miss Wasilla can “hurl” her uneducated and fear-mongering rhetoric, it’s only fair game you can hurl back! Although an unconvential approach, Kudos to you for taking a stand!

  • James

    well, well….
    this brave, adventurous web site, with all the left wing wacko strength it has, wouldn’t post my earlier comment about this “new age” man…
    I see this half man was afraid to give his name…
    yes, this is a prime example of the new liberal man, a man you could describe as slightly less than a man, but still looks like one
    in the mold of an Andrew Sullivan… wanting to wear a dress but hampered by nature and therefore harboring a frustration, which is manifested in throwing things… and only succeeding in throwing like a girl (gee, maybe that was actually good feeling for him)
    anyway, throwing and hiding are attributes I would expect in a half-man so we shouldn’t be disappointed in “it”

  • phoebe

    Pitiful. Throwing eggs is juvenile and stupid. How many of those beers and champagne chasers did you have? Grow up. Find a productive outlet for your impotent rage.

  • http://www.myspace.com/porktamer A Feculent Rainbow

    Some of you folks should take note that The Beast is a Satirical publication. You should check out some of this stuff that some call ‘hyperbole’ and ‘sarcasm’ before you you apeshit yourselves regarding the patriot comparisons.

    Susan: what does any of this have to do with Obama? Do you think the author or Beast staff support Obama? Take a look around the archives.

    Stace: I love how providing one link from an obscure conservative website constitutes ‘repeated debunking.’ The article you cite compares geriatric deaths at “non-federal hospitals” with deaths of younger, uninsured folks. Sounds solid. He then claims that 92K deaths over 3 years are “about the same as the average estimate in the uninsured study.” Hint 92K divided by 3 is not “about the same as” 44K. Sounds like solid methodology to me. We should probably just get rid of Medicare: health care crisis solved!

    Gwen: yeah, but liberals have bigger penises. Excuse me: ‘much more penises.’

    Bruce: your Palin / Rape victim it just too precious. It must be burning you up inside to see a strong, beautiful, independent black man being so successful in life. Your media idol is bankrupting our country’s public debate and kowtowing to every closeted bigot who stumbles across her pretty-picture-substantial-content-devoid media blitz, and you can’t stop obsessing over this man.

    James: you sound like a real faggot. See how easy that was? It didn’t take me a whole – uh – paragraph to say the same thing as you. Internet tough guys for the win!

    That all being said, dear Beasty whom I suspect is Ian: this sounds like a waste of time and money. Oh, and beer. It made for a funny story though.

    Finally, I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU GUYS ARE BACK! Following the news cycle is just too depressing without your brand of hilarious vituperation to help wash it all down.

    • admin

      It wasn’t Murphy, although it fits his MO.

  • http://www.myspace.com/porktamer A Feculent Rainbow

    Yar… just read the [Sic]. I didn’t think Murphy was married.

  • Musing Lew

    This liberal retard is just lucky I wasn’t in the crowd. Obamazombies like this need their a**es jerked out of the frame. He’d have had to wait to get out of the hospital before bragging about how brave he was in throwing eggs at books. (big bad books….there!)
    What really pisses me off and what most of the pukes in here congratulating him seem to miss is that his intent was to assault someone who had never harmed him. Of course, he’d do that by throwing eggs, he didn’t have the balls to get close up and for real. Todd would have ripped his limbs off. I bet Sarah could whip his faggity lib tail. What a pathetic excuse for a human being…

  • John Chester Howe Jesuston

    Todd Yarling, what do you mean “they,” you illiterate basement-dweller? Yeats! The man’s name was YEATS!

  • I shall endure

    Egg Thrower:

    What you did was harmless, more or less. But I’m not eager to see anyone open the door to settling our political scores using violence.

    Activism is hard, because it takes work. But the alternatives are dreadful.

  • kanawa

    Grow up

  • Steve

    Weird. What the hell are all these Palin ‘tards doing reading and commenting on the Beast? Perhaps they just google “Sarah Palin” every morning and make sure they aren’t missing any articles about their spunky, brainless icon.

    The egg thing does seem a little pointless, shitty and worthless though your intended target most certainly is. You essentially bought a whole bunch of her ghostwritten ode to herself. As if her book sales weren’t high enough already.

  • Stacy

    First of all, what the hell are you protesting?
    Sarah Palin is not an elected official, nor has she ever made a decision that effected your life. She has never sent troops to war (unlike Obama) and she has never raised your taxes… You are protesting a private citizen and trying to infringe upon her freedom of speech and the freedom of speech of those at the book signing.
    She is not the “system”… You are!

    You said: “We are no longer able to reason together”
    Maybe throwing eggs at people had something to do with that.

  • Gary

    Nice work asshat!

    You hit a friend of mine with one of your eggs. A nice African American woman. You RUINED her jacket.

    Worthless liberal, racist scum.

    Why is it all of you filthy losers always resort to violent acts?

    Oh, that’s right, because you can’t compete in the marketplace of ideas!

  • Charlie

    Eggbert, your silly self-justification of an act of pubescent vandalism is pathetic. Have you any clue about what is going on in America and
    in the world right now? Or is it still all about you, like mommy said? Grow up.

  • Steve

    Gary on “racism”: If you throw an egg at books without ensuring that no nearby African-Americans will suffer ruined jackets, you are a racist. Well, that sounds pretty easy. I thought you had to have some sort of discriminatory or hateful animus toward the members of a race, but apparently, unintended egg shrapnel will do it.

    Gary on “the marketplace of ideas”: Those who can’t compete in it (unlike Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter), resort to “violent acts,” such as throwing an egg.

  • snowbunny

    Palin wouldn’t agree, but you are a brave Patriot. Thanks for taking a stand against the hate and lies spewed by Palin.

  • http://toddyarling.tumblr.com/ todd yarling

    DHS, where are you when we need you… oh yeah, off writing memos about tea-party types being violent terrorists

    Eternal Hatred is the Price of Tolerance!

  • D. Easthom

    You really need to check out this article.
    http://www.thegoldenreport.com
    I think you will find it very interesting.
    D.

  • Legion

    Ultimately, this just plays into the narrative. Sarah is the “pooor little me” candidate, after all. She goes about in pity for herself. Anything that let’s her play the victim card, whether it is my personal hero David Letterman mocking her or you throwing an egg just helps her pathetic loser supporters feel good about themselves. The Republicans should be happy.

    Although it will be interesting to see what happens to the Republicans if they don’t decide to run this low grade moron for President in a few years. They’ll need to deep six her, politically, before then if they don’t want the anger of the irrational, deluded moron brigade to turn on them. So in some ways, playing into the narrative is good strategy. I’m sure she’ll resign from being President if the going gets tough anyway, so even if she ends up winning it will be a wash for them. They have to know this by now.

    By the way, next time you should consider throwing shoes if you are throwing them at books. You’ll get the morons just as riled up, but you’ll do minimal damage (no one can make you pay for damages you don’t do). If you are concerned that you might hurt someone, I’m sure you can find fake shoes made of Styrofoam. Its also a good call back to that Iraqi patriot who tried to bean our former President.

    – “My name is Legion: for we are many.”

  • Dick

    Next time throw a bottle. Preferably filled with gasoline.

    Anybody standing close by deserves to get hit, too.

  • effis

    Who would have thought that one egg could do so much damage? Heck, a simple wipe and its call clean! Mind you, if I had paid for all those books I would have taken them all with me then held a book burning on the front steps. That to me would be much more significant a gesture. Rock on eggman!

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