All meine rowdy friends are here for the Third Reich
As a football fan, you put up with certain things. For example, I know football is the most popular sport, and therefore the most lucrative for advertisers, so I happily grin and bear the commercial cavalcade that comes flying at my brain every Sunday from 1 to 11:30. Additionally, I happily put up with the week before the Super Bowl when everyone uses the hype as an excuse to blame football for everything from capitalist greed to domestic violence to the sun going away at night. I do this because as a football fan, I truly believe the product being presented to me is worth all the bullshit that comes with it.
“Like, oh my God!”
With that said, the hardest cross football fans have to bear comes in the form of the three most loud, annoying, drunken, heroin addicted words on the planet: Hank Williams Junior. For years, I haven’t been able to sit down for a Monday night game without country music’s most fortunate son inanely caterwauling at me about all his rowdy friends are coming over for some type of “Monday night party,” which I assume means spending his dad’s money on drugs while complaining about black people.
Ok, maybe that last part came out of left field, but I’ll explain. See, after 22 years of Hank Jr’s pregame nonsense, he finally got fired. Why? Because he fell victim to same folly that traps so many privileged white southerners: comparing Obama to Hitler. Admittedly, this may have been the most lucid thing he said during the entire hopelessly awkward interview, in which he apparently believes that Hitler and Netanyahu walked the earth at the same time (they did not), and that Obama and Biden are three people (also not true), but the damage was done, and his rowdy friends won’t be interrupting my pre-game ritual anytime soon.
But rather than take Bocephus to task for his almost certainly racist views, I’d like to thank him for doing football fans a big favor: saving us from Hank Williams, Jr. See, it wasn’t just that his off-key, lazily rhymed nonsense was annoying to sit through, it made football a less credible sport. How am I supposed to defend football on an intellectual level with this neanderthal hick pandering to the lowest common denominator so blatantly that Larry The Cable Guy was looking more and more like Spalding Gray by the minute? It made football look sub-NASCAR, for crying out loud.
Admittedly, Monday Night Football still has its share of problems, like Jon Gruden professing his love for any quarterback who can play at a level above Trent Edwards, while Mike Tirico laughs incessantly at everything he says, like a robot with an odd infatuation with Bill Engvall-level humor.
But the biggest issue was always the spoiled rich drug addict making any football fan with an IQ over 60 cringe for three solid minutes. Now, that’s gone forever. And just think, it all happened because someone compared Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler. Say, maybe that tea party isn’t so bad after all. If a misspelled sign about illegal immigrants can take Faith Hill’s wretched Joan Jett cover off of NBC’s broadcast, I’ll be convinced.