Because I know I haven’t
The other day, I said to my maid, “Find my birth certificate or I’ll have you deported.” She looked puzzled. Maria can clean like no one’s business, but she can barely speak English, which can be very frustrating. And, although I am fluent, I refuse to speak Spanish because it’s a truly vulgar tongue. So I picked up my phone, pretended to dial and very slowly said, “I-N-S?” Of course, she understood that! Within minutes, she’d unearthed an old pocket watch I’d lost, an ivory comb I forgot I had, and a very dusty stack of Kenny Loggins albums.
Hours later, much to our mutual relief, she’d found the document in question and delivered it right into my eager mitts:
Now, I don’t know if the rumors surrounding Corwin’s illegal nanny are true. Nor do I know whether she was really born in America. But it couldn’t be easier to threaten your illegal nanny with deportation, wait several hours for her to figure out what you’re looking for, and then prove once and for all that you’re a verifiable, natural-born U.S. citizen.
It’s not that hard, Jane! Why are you hiding your birth certificate from the people of New York’s 26th district? I’m not alone in thinking that the voters have a right to know whether you were really born in the U.S., as you claim, or if you’re a sleeper agent from the Islamic Republic of Iran, as some suggest.
The longer we have to wait, the more suspicious it seems. I’ve provided my birth certificate for all to see, and I’m sure my other opponents, Kathy Hochul (D) and Jack Davis (Tea), will have no problem complying with the wishes of the people.
What do you have to hide, Jane? We’re waiting…