After 8 years on the job, Pope Benedict And The Jets XVI decided to call it quits this week, presumably because covering up child molestation is grueling, tiresome work. This, of course, means there is a vacancy at the Pope position, and since I’m three months away from graduating from college, and I could really use a job, I thought I’d throw my hat into the ring.
What’s that you say? Pope is too tough of a job for a 22-year-old, perpetually drunk college student? I beg to differ. This seems like the easiest job on the planet. All I have to do is not cover up thousands of pederasts and I’ll be better than either of the last two guys to do it. Piece of cake!
Admittedly, I’m far from infallible; I picked the Super Bowl champion Ravens to lose in every round, but I was also never involved in the Hitler Youth, the Stalin youth, or the Dave Matthews Fan Club, so I think you can find people who are far more fallible than I could ever hope to be.
Ok, so, what would I do if I were to become Pope? Well, on my first day, I’d make a public declaration that gay people are fine and we should all leave them alone from now on. Then, I’d point out that Bible says absolutely nothing about abortion, and that Christians could likely find better usage of their time than standing outside a clinic calling women “whores” and “murderers” all day. Not to sound preachy, but those two are kind of obvious.
What else? Well, I was never much for the communion wafer. Too bland and flavorless. In a Hugar papacy, Christ’s body would by represented by Totino’s Pizza Rolls. But only triple pepperoni flavor. Anything else is heresy. Heresy, I say!
Wine would still be the blood of Christ, but only the Chillable Red flavor of Franzia, I’m not gonna be a pretentious Pope, drinking some overpriced French Jesus blood…
Also, just to do a favor to all the kids at school, Easter is now a week long, and if you do any calculus homework that time, God will bring down a great wrath upon you all. Also, you know the Futurama episode where Bender becomes God to a group of microscopic villagers living on his body? We’d watch it for all seven days of Easter. To celebrate its lesson of Christian charity….or something.
I realize that some of these concepts are a bit radical, some might even say crazy, but I say that’s just what the Catholic Church needs! Look, the Vatican has shot itself in the foot on a continuous basis for the past five or so decades now. After continuing to embrace policies that alienate women and gays, while covering the rapes of thousands of altar boys, Catholicism looks worse than ever. Could a sarcastic, agnostic 22-year-old Pope really make things any worse? I doubt it.